Break Up with Someone You Love

Breaking up with someone you love is never easy. This article can show you how to do this, but make sure that this is what you really want first.

10 Second Summary

1. Choose the right time and place for the conversation.
2. Use "I" statements and avoid "you" statements.
3. Be honest, but not harsh.
4. Suggest staying friends.
5. Learn how to move on in a healthy way.

Steps

Getting Yourself Ready

  1. Be sure that you really want to permanently end the relationship. Never break up with somebody unless you are okay with the possibility that you may never get back together.[1] Even if you do change your mind after the breakup and agree to get back together, you will have created lasting damage to the relationship that may be irreparable.
  2. Prepare for the possibility that this person might be too hurt to stay with friends, at least initially. Breaking up can be very emotional for everyone involved. Do not expect to be fast friends immediately after the breakup.
  3. Avoid breaking up for the wrong reasons. You must decide whether your relationship is worth ending.[2]You have to think about the future for not only yourself, but also your partner.
    • Never avoid breaking up with somebody because you are afraid of being single. The only way you can find the right person for you is to get out there and be on your own.
    • Never avoid breaking up with somebody because you are afraid of hurting his or her feelings. Breaking up may seem cruel, but continuing to be with somebody you are not in love with anymore is even worse.[3]
    • Don't suggest a "break." Breaks are usually just a segue into a full-on breakup; if you feel that you need a break from the person you're with, then chances are that you actually want to break up but are too afraid of being alone. Rather than asking for a break, wait until you're ready to fully end the relationship and then do it.
  4. Make the necessary arrangements. If you live together, then decide on who will move out and who will stay (of course, you may want to leave this open to discussion). If you expect your partner to move out, you will need to allow ample time for him/her to find other living arrangements, and should find somewhere else to stay during that time.
    • Ask your parents or close friends whether you can stay with them for a few days, or rent a room at a hotel for a couple of nights.
    • If you don't live together but see each other daily at either work or school, then you will need to consider whether it's worth re-adjusting your schedule/circumstances. If you think that seeing each other on a regular basis is going to make moving on difficult, then consider changing jobs or rearranging your class schedule to avoid having to constantly interact with this person.

Breaking the News

  1. Choose the right time. There's never going to be a perfect time to break up with the person you love, but there are definitely certain situations that you should avoid. Among them are the following:
    • When your partner is dealing with a personal crisis like a death in the family, diagnosis of an illness, or loss of a job. If he or she is in the middle of a crisis, allow some time to pass before you break up to avoid adding on extra pain.
    • In the middle of a fight. Never end a relationship in the heat of the moment; you may end up saying things that you don't really mean, and come to regret your decision once the argument is over.
    • In front of other people. If you choose to break up with him or her in public, be sure to at least find a quiet table or corner to have the conversation. Remember that one or both of you may become very emotional and need some privacy.
    • Over text, e-mail, or the telephone. If you really love this person, then you owe it to him or her to have the discussion face-to-face.
      • The only exception to this rule is if you are in a long-distance relationship and seeing each other in person is impractical. Even then, try to do it over Skype or the telephone rather than the more impersonal venues of text or email.
  2. Prepare your partner for the conversation. In other words, don't surprise this person with the news by blurting it out in the middle of a conversation or while he or she is busy doing something else.
    • Pull your partner aside and say "I want to talk to you about something," or "I think that we should talk."
    • You may want to send an e-mail or text message to your partner asking to talk prior to getting together. This will give him or her ample time to emotionally prepare for a serious conversation. You do not want to break up with the person through text, but let him or her know a serious conversation will happen in near future.
  3. Use “I” statements. These statements more effectively deflect feelings of judgement, and concisely get your point across. For example, you may say something like:
    • "I really feel like kids are not part of my plan." This might be a better way of saying: "You want kids and I don’t."
    • "I think I need to spend more time on my own right now." This might be a better way of saying: "You want to spend too much time together."
    • "I need to think about my future." This might be a better way of saying "We are not going anywhere."
  4. Be honest, but not unnecessarily harsh. Everybody deserves to be told the truth, but at the same time, there are certain things that will only hurt your partner's feelings without serving any constructive purpose.
    • If there is something explicitly wrong with the relationship, like having incompatible interests, then you should tell your partner that.[4] Being honest and eliminating some of the mystery may help the person move on more quickly rather than constantly wondering why you ended the relationship and what he or she could have done differently. This might be something like: "I know you are really into going out all the time, but I just don't enjoy it. I don't think we'll continue to be happy with this incompatibility."
    • Find a nice way to phrase your criticisms. If you love the person, then you should make an effort to protect his or her self-esteem. For example, instead of saying "I don't find you attractive anymore," say something like "I no longer feel that there's any chemistry between us."
    • Reassure your partner that you still love and genuinely care for him or her. This will help ease some of the feelings associated with being rejected. You might say something like: “I think you’re a really great person. You’re very smart and have a lot of ambitions. I just think my ambitions are different.”
  5. Suggest staying friends. If you genuinely want to stay friends with this person, then you should express the sentiment at the end of the breakup. Again, be prepared for the possibility that he or she will be too hurt to stay friends with you, at least initially. Respect your partner's needs and give him or her space if needed.
    • Don't continue to call or text your ex on a regular basis once the breakup is over. This will send mixed signals and make moving on impossible. Even if you have decided to stay friends, you should take some time apart just after the breakup during which you don't see or speak to each other.
    • After some time has passed after the breakup and the feelings are not quite as raw, consider opening up to your ex. This might be a group outing (it might be best to avoid a one-on-one outing to avoid sending mixed signals.) You might want to try and say something like: “Hey, some friends and I are going to watch that new movie. Do you want to come?”

Moving on After the Break Up

  1. Avoid talking to your ex, at least initially. Though it may seem impossible to totally cut off contact with somebody you love, staying in contact constantly will actually make things a great deal more painful. If you feel tempted, block your partner’s number from your phone. Block his or her username from social media sites. This will help with the temptation.[5]
  2. Do not feel guilty for feeling bad. Even if you were the one to initiate the breakup, you may still feel hurt or loss. These are normal feelings and should be acknowledged to help heal.
  3. Take some time for yourself. Love can be complicated. After a breakup with someone that you loved, you may feel a loss. This might be an indication that you should take some time to get to know yourself and to readjust to being single before jumping into a new relationship.
  4. Rely on friends and family. Do not be afraid to seek out emotional support from those in your life. This might include your close friends and family. Chances are, they will empathize with what you are going through and will offer support or advice.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://spr.sagepub.com/content/1/1/49.abstract
  2. ↑ http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/01/13/376804930/breaking-up-is-hard-to-do-but-science-can-help
  3. ↑ http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/j.1540-4560.1976.tb02485.x/abstract
  4. ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/dating-basics/should-we-break-up/
  5. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201012/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups?collection=65090

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