Fit In at School

Everyone has struggled with fitting in at school. You may be shy or going to a new school. There are different ways to meet people and find your place at your school. If one method does not work, you can always try something different. Be confident and patient; fitting in takes time.

Steps

Communicating with Others

  1. Prepare some conversation starters. Starting a conversation with someone that you do not know is difficult. Prepare yourself by thinking of some conversation starters. Some easy ways to start a conversation are to introduce yourself, give a compliment, or ask a question.[1] Knowing what you are going to say already will stop you from being as nervous or freezing up.
    • Introduce yourself by saying something like, "Hi, my name is John. You're in my class/your locker is next to mine..."
    • You can also compliment someone's clothing, hair, or anything else that you notice about them.
    • Ask someone in your class about an assignment or about taking notes. Even if you already know what the assignment is, it's still ok to ask just to get the conversation started.
    • If you are not ready to have a full on conversation with someone, simply smile and say hello. Try smiling and saying hello to one new person each day. Then you can build up to asking a question or giving a compliment.[2]
    • If you are joining a conversation that has already started, listen to understand what the conversation is about. When no one else is talking, make a short comment that relates to the ongoing conversation.[3]
  2. Practice a conversation before it happens. Try writing down what you plan to say or saying it out loud in front of the mirror. You can also practice with another person in your family. The conversation you actually have does not have to go exactly as you planned it, but it is still good to practice and build your confidence.[1]
    • If you try something out and it does not work as you planned, try a different approach next time. Don't beat yourself up because things don't go as planned; no one is perfect.
  3. Put yourself out there. You are not the only the person that is trying to fit in at school. Sometimes you have to be a little assertive to get the process started.[4] Try talking to a person that is alone. It's less intimidating to talk to one person instead of a group of people. A person that's alone may also be in the same situation you are in.[5]
    • If you see someone is sitting alone, observe the person for a second. Are they reading a book? Do you like their outfit, shoes, or hair? You can then introduce yourself and comment on something you observed about them. You may say, "Hi, how is the book you're reading?" or "Hey, I really like your shirt. My name is..."
  4. Start with the people in your class. Having a class with someone is a quick way to establish common ground.[6] You will be more comfortable talking to someone that you are sitting next to than going up to a random person in the cafeteria. Simply introduce yourself to the people that you sit next to. If you cannot think of anything to talk about, you can always talk about the class you all have together.
  5. Be approachable. You don't always have to start the conversation. Other people may want to talk to you if you look approachable. Smile at people as they walk by. Don't walk around with headphones or with your arms crossed.[5] Be the type of person that you wouldn't mind going up to yourself.
  6. Pick up on social cues. You can learn a lot by observing the body language, facial expressions of others, and voice tone. People often speak without saying anything. Understanding what people are saying can help you identify if someone is in a good or bad mood, if someone is annoyed or upset, or is someone is happy. This will help you respond in an appropriate way.
    • Raised eyebrows can signal that someone is surprised or questioning something.[7]
    • A smile indicates that someone is happy. While a frown shows that someone is upset.
    • Slumped shoulders show that someone is tired.
    • If someone has crossed arms and a mean look on their face, it would not be a good time to approach and start a conversation.
    • Foot tapping and fidgeting indicates that the person may be nervous or irritated.
    • Fast talking shows that someone is excited or trying to get an important point across.[7]
  7. Listen to other people. Listening is an important communication skill that can help you at school. Always look at the other person when he or she is speaking to you and wait until the person is finished speaking before you say something. While the other person is talking, try not to fidget, look around, laugh, or do anything that shows you are not paying attention.[3]
    • You can nod while the other person is talking to show that you understand what is being said. You can also say "ok," or "I understand" to show that you are listening as well.
  8. Resolve conflicts. Having the ability to resolve conflicts will help you be accepted by your peers and make friends.[8] If you are involved in a conflict, try to be a leader and help get everything sorted out. Suggest to everyone involved that all of you should work together and be peaceful (e.g. no name calling, blaming, or yelling). Then let everyone tell their perspective on the issue. Once all perspectives are on the table, find the common thread in everyone's perspective. Lastly, brainstorm about ways to resolve the conflict and come to an agreement.
    • Respect other people's feelings and ideas during the conflict.
    • Conflict happens in all types of relationships and is completely normal.

Being Yourself

  1. Build self-confidence. Everyone likes to be around confident people. It is important that you have positive thoughts, feelings, and beliefs about yourself. We are often hard on ourselves when we make mistakes or compare ourselves to others. While these negative thoughts are normal, you can replace them with more positive things.[9]
    • Focus on the positive instead of the negative. Everyday write down three good things about yourself or three things that went well because of something you did.[9] Did you give someone a compliment today? Did you help your mom with dinner? Did you answer a question correctly in class today? All of these things matter.
    • Mistakes are a part of life. Instead of beating yourself up about them, think about them as a learning opportunity instead. If you did poorly on a test, tell yourself that you will study harder next time to improve your score.
    • If you are very critical of yourself and think harsh thoughts, combat those thoughts with positive self-talk. Ask yourself, "Would I speak to my friend like this?"[9] You would never tell your friend that he or she wasn't smart or funny or a loser. You would encourage your friend and talk about all of their good qualities.
    • Don't be afraid to try new things. It's perfectly fine to not do everything perfectly or be good at everything that you do. Just give yourself credit for trying and doing your best.[9]
  2. Develop your interests and talents. Everyone is interested in different things (e.g. music, sports, art, theater, anime, science, board games, etc.). It is important that you explore and find what interests you and what you are good at. If you are good at drawing or playing the piano, try to do those things to the best of your ability. Go to art class or music class. Being good at something will help be more confident as well.[10]
    • Never change your interests based on what you think is popular or what other people like.
    • It may take time to identify your talents and gifts. If you are not sure what you are good at, ask some people that know you well. Your family, friends, and teachers may have an idea. Ask them and see what they say.
  3. Start your own group. You may feel like no one else is interested in the same things you are, but you are wrong. There will be people at your school who like the same things you like. You should never pretend to like something or be someone else to fit in. Go where people are that share your interests. Sometimes you have to be assertive and take some action.
    • Observe other people at school to help identify what they are interested in. Pay attention to the books and magazines they read, graphics on their t-shirts, or just any conversations that you may hear.
    • If you are interested in something and would like to start a school club around the interest, talk to one of your teachers about starting the process. They will be able to point you in the right direction.[11]
  4. Be optimistic. Having a positive outlook on life will make you happier and more successful.[12] Try to identify all the good things in your life and believe that you can make good tings happen for yourself. If things don't go your way,find a positive takeaway instead of blaming yourself. When things go right or you do something well, be proud of yourself.[12]
    • Tell yourself positive things. "If I study hard, I will do well on my test." or "If I join that club at school, I will meet some new friends."
    • Instead of saying, "I don't fit in because I'm a loser." say, "I haven't found my niche yet, but I'm going to say hi to 2 people I don't know tomorrow."

Finding your group

  1. Join a club or organization. It is easier to bond with someone when you all have similar interests. Join a club or an organization at your school that aligns with your interests. This is a great way to meet people who like the same things that you like. You will always have things to talk about with people who like the same things that you do. Joining a club will also give you an opportunity to talk to people outside of normal school hours.[13]
    • If you are not sure about the different organizations at your school, ask a teacher or a guidance counselor. They will be able to point you in the right direction.
  2. Observe the school dynamics. Become familiar with your classmates and other people in your school. Take the time to identify the different cliques and which students seem to be friendly. Are there students who seem rude or make fun of other people? Are you drawn to certain groups of people or particular students? Once you understand the school better, you identify where you would like to fit in.[14]
    • Take your time figuring out your place. It can be hard to change groups once start hanging out with a particular group.
  3. Try sitting at different groups during lunchtime. When you have sat with each group you are interested in becoming a part of, choose a group that you most enjoy being around. Not all groups will accept you; sit near a group and they may invite you to sit with them. If they don't, go up and introduce yourself. If they don't seem to like you, or are mean or negative towards you, they're not worth making friends with and you can find better people to be around.
    • If you walk by a table and see an empty seat, you can say, "Hi, is anyone sitting here?" or "Do you mind if I sit next to you?"
    • Bring your lunch to school to make things a little easier. You can avoid waiting in line or walking around trying to find somewhere to sit. If you bring your lunch, you can immediately sit down when you walk into the cafeteria.[14]
  4. Do not be afraid to float. There may not be only one group for you. Many people hang out with different groups at school or only hang out with a couple of people. Figure out what you are most comfortable with. You may eat lunch with one group and talk to different people in the hallway or after school. It is important for you to be happy and have a sense of belonging at your school. So associate with all the people that you want to.
  5. Introduce yourself to your teachers. Your teachers are a great resource at your school. They know the school and students better than you do. Your teachers can suggest some students that you can talk to or even introduce you to some people you can be friends with. Get to class early or stay a little later to introduce yourself to your teacher.[14]
    • Your teachers can also help you deal with conflicts that you may have with other people at school.
    • Having a good relationship with your teachers will help you to have a more positive experience at your school.[15]
  6. Invite people to your house. After a few weeks of getting to know these people, invite a few of them over to your house to hangout or do homework. Spending time outside of class can help you develop deeper friendships and really get to know people.[13] Having real friends will make fitting in at school much easier.
  7. Be a good friend. The best way to make new friends is to be a good friend yourself. Be loyal, honest, and fun to be around.[16] Think of all the qualities that you look for in a friend and the things that attract you to certain people.[4] Well, those are the same things that will help you fit in with people at your school.
    • Show genuine interest in other people. Ask someone how their day is going or what did they do over the weekend. Ask questions that will require more than just a yes or a no. For example, say "How was your weekend?" instead of "Did you have a good weekend?"
    • Share with other people. If you have some food, ask your friend if he or she would like some.
    • Help other people. If you see someone trying to carry something and open a door, go hold the door for them.

Tips

  • Choose people that make you feel good about yourself. If you feel bad when you are around them, they are not the group for you.
  • It takes time to find your place in school. Remember that it is a process and try not to get frustrated.
  • Do not feel pressured to do things (e.g. drugs, bullying others, fighting, violence) you do not want to do just to fit in.
  • Be yourself, they're not going to want to be friends with someone who will fake a personality
  • Look for someone with the same interests or hobbies as you.
  • Always remember that you may not be able to just go there and suddenly be really popular here, it will take time for you to get used to your surroundings and for others around you to get used to you being there.
  • Do not try to hard to push your way into a group, if you do not think it would be the right group for you then you might want to look at fitting into a different group of people.
  • If you're trying to fit in, it's usually best to look at the groups that have desires and tastes similar to yours. You shouldn't have to change yourself to fit in.
  • If your new group is pressuring you into things that you don't want to do, either stand up for yourself or find other people who share your values.
  • To be honest, fitting in is easy if you don't think too much about it. Just relax and don't tense up! Join in whatever conversation a group is talking about and laugh along and besides being different in a group is totally cool! You don't need to create a new group to be with people like you.
  • Ask and answer the questions your teacher asks. Don't answer all of them, or others can't participate. Be social and polite to your classmates and teachers; consider joining clubs.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/shy_tips.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle#cat20439
  2. ↑ http://www.greatschools.org/parenting/social-skills/slideshows/2732-friendship-skills-3rd-through-5th-grade.gs?page=4
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://www.omaha.com/momaha/social-skills-your-teen-can-practice-at-thanksgiving-other-family/article_39b061cc-9219-11e5-83e5-ab0c7b6c985c.html
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://blogs.psychcentral.com/teenagers/2010/12/07/part-iii-developing-satisfactory-peer-relationships/
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://young.scot/information/relationships/shy-persons-guide-to-making-friends-at-school/
  6. ↑ http://nobullying.com/how-to-make-friends/
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 https://www.understood.org/en/friends-feelings/common-challenges/picking-up-on-social-cues/4-types-of-social-cues
  8. ↑ http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/oah-initiatives/ta/paf_training2_healthysocialskills.pdf
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 9.3 http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/self_esteem.html
  10. ↑ http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/best_self/confidence.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle#
  11. ↑ http://www.kidsrighttoknow.com/forming-clubs/
  12. ↑ 12.0 12.1 http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/emotions/optimism.html?tracking=T_RelatedArticle#
  13. ↑ 13.0 13.1 http://www.brighthubeducation.com/parenting-middle-schoolers/128701-make-friends-in-junior-high/
  14. ↑ 14.0 14.1 14.2 http://psychcentral.com/lib/when-you%E2%80%99re-the-new-kid-in-school/
  15. ↑ http://www.sdrs.info/documents/PDF/ZG_comp.pdf
  16. ↑ https://www.bostonglobe.com/ideas/2012/09/01/how-kids-make-friends-and-why-matters/7ZNKqGszwNq5PDmdCh1M7H/story.html

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