Forget the One You Loved Deeply
Whether you've just broken up with a significant other or suffered a full-blown divorce, separating from someone you loved is never easy. At times, it may feel like you'll never be happy again — that this person was your one chance in life for feeling loved and now they're gone. Don't give into these thoughts. The truth is that with positivity, patience, and determination, you can always work your way out of the darkness of a romantic split.
Contents
Steps
Getting Over the Breakup
- Get rid of things that remind you of him/her. Eventually, you will be able to think about your old partner without being overcome with emotion. This time is not now. At this point, being reminded of your time together with this person can lead to intense feelings of nostalgia, sadness, and regret. For this reason, it's a good idea to get rid of things in your life that remind you of your relationship. If there are items you can't stand to throw away, try packing them into boxes and keeping them somewhere out of the way for the near future. Here are a few things you may want to look for:
- Your ex's possessions that s/he left with you
- Gifts your ex gave you
- Music or mixtapes that your ex made for you
- Pictures, drawings, or artwork that reminds you of your ex
- Avoid contact with this person. Unless you are 100% certain that you can stay "just friends" with your ex, (and s/he is also 100% sure), avoid seeing your ex as much as you can for at least a month or two. When you are forced to see this person, keep your conversations as short and polite as possible. This may be hard, but it's important. Interacting can lead to awkward exchanges where both partners are thinking about the old relationship. You may even fall back into old ways with your ex and start flirting. In any case, this is almost never a good way to get over your split.
- Today, this advice applies to your technological connections as well. Seriously consider "unfriending" or blocking your ex on your social networks (at least for the time being). You may also want to remove this person's number from your phone to reduce the temptation to text.
- Boost your spirits with physical activity. Exercise is a fantastic way to start feeling good about yourself after a difficult experience. Not only is it cheap and fun — it's also proven to boost moods and fight clinical depression. Best of all, if you stick with it, you'll start to notice changes in the ways you look and feel that increase your self-confidence and make it even easier to get over your heartbreak.
- See our main exercise article for lots of tips on starting a new fitness routine.
- Fall back on your support network. Being alone after a breakup is a bad idea. It's easy to fall into negative thought patterns and become overly critical of yourself. Being around people you're close to makes it easier to keep things in perspective. Your friends and family will offer you helpful advice (which you should listen to) and be there to comfort and reassure you when you're not feeling good. Remember — nothing ever got better because people didn't talk about it.
- If you're away from your support network, make the best of your situation. Phone calls and Skype chats can be very helpful. You can even make new friends, but don't get into a new relationship yet.
- Always value yourself. Remember that you are the most important person in your life. Keeping this in mind will make it easier to focus on your self instead of on your lost partner. Be confident in your many positive traits and accept your flaws — everyone has them. Focus on being the best person you can be. Happiness comes not from other people but from within yourself.
- If it helps, you can even try thinking of your ex with pity. Losing you is something your ex will regret once s/he realizes how valuable you actually are.
Moving On With Your Life
- Accept that you loved this person but that this is in the past. Love can be perfectly real without being forever. You can love someone else deeply for a time but have that love come to an end. Just because it ended doesn't mean it was a waste of time. Your love touched you at your core and shaped who you are as a person. In the words of the old cliché, it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
- A large part of this acceptance is forgiveness. Forgive yourself for not being able to hold it together. Forgive your partner for wanting to leave (if you are going to remain friends with them later on this one is absolutely vital). Forgive your partner or yourself for the problems that led to the split. You are both only human.
- Get active and organized. Once you've taken some time to recover from your heartbreak, hit the ground running. Use your new independence as an opportunity to focus on improving your life. Now is your chance to earn successes that will make you feel good about yourself and leave you in a better position than you were before. Just a few examples are below:
- Devote yourself to your work. Accept ambitious new assignments. Take more responsibility. Ask for a raise or a promotion.
- Take up a new hobby. Learn how to play an instrument. Study a new language. Start writing stories or keep a journal.
- Explore the world. Travel. Meet new people. Trek out into the wilderness (with proper safety precautions).
- Open yourself up to new relationships. After a difficult breakup, it's usually best to swear off romance for a month or two to avoid the emotional problems that can often come with "rebound" flings. However, once you've taken some time off, it's okay to look at, talk to, and like someone new. Doing this may feel a little painful or awkward at first. This is normal. You're essentially going through a kind of withdrawal from the person that you constantly talked to and saw before. This will fade with time.
- When someone new comes along, let this person in. Don't be so afraid of future heartbreak that you can't enjoy your life now. Even if it's a small crush, it's okay to feel something for someone new.
- Live in the present. No matter how badly you or your partner screwed up in the past, you can't change it. What's done is done. Coming to terms with this can be difficult — some people are deathly afraid of letting go. However, you can't truly move on with your life until you start thinking more about today than about when you were with the person you used to love.
- This will take time, so be patient. You may not be able to keep yourself from thinking about your old love for a while. However, as long as you focus on yourself and don't allow yourself to give in to depression and pessimism, you will eventually start to let go.
- Look forward to the future. At one point, it may have seemed like you would never be happy again. As time passes, this idea will start to seem less and less reasonable. The fact is that you can always look forward to a brighter future. There are always new people to meet, new experiences to seek out, and bright new days to look forward to. Your happiness isn't determined by what happened in the past — it's determined by what you have in store for the future.
- Let your memories of this person gradually fade. Time heals all wounds. Right after your breakup, it may seem like you can't go a minute without thinking about how badly you miss your ex. Slowly, however, over the weeks and months, these thoughts will become less common. Eventually, you will go an entire day without thinking unhappy thoughts about your ex. You'll basically "forget" to be sad. When this happens, take it as a major accomplishment. You did it! The rest of your life awaits.
- This isn't to say that you need to stop thinking about this person all together. You can hold memories of this person dear in your heart. However, they shouldn't be something that interferes with your life. They should be a source of gentle tenderness and nostalgia — like thoughts of a beloved relative who has long since passed away.
Tips
- Don't fall prey to the myth of "The One" — the idea that there is exactly one perfect person for you out there. This is deeply unrealistic. There are many suitable people for everyone. None are perfect — all of them flawed in some way. The one that broke your heart isn't the only one out there for you. You will find that next one (and perhaps the one after that) and love them too.
- Although "forgetting" your ex may sound like a good remedy for the pain, you don't necessarily want to forget everything you learned from the relationship. Whether you like it or not, the relationship is part of the fabric that makes you who you are today. Try to learn from what did and didn't work in your relationship so that your next one is an improvement.
- If you just can't seem to start feeling better and it's been a month or so, you may have a case of depression. Talk to a doctor or therapist — there's nothing wrong with getting the help you need.
