Get Along with Your Boyfriend's Best Friend

A great way to get along with your boyfriend’s best friend is to get to know him better. The next time you are all hanging out together, create a positive atmosphere by making him feel welcome. You can also get along with your boyfriend’s best friend by understanding and respecting why your boyfriend values his friendship.

Steps

Getting to Know Him Better

  1. Discover his interests. You can make positive connections with your boyfriend’s friend by getting to know him. Try to find things you can connect over, such as shared interests, and use these connections to create a bond that is unique to your relationship with him. Ask him what he likes to do on the weekend, or what his favorite movie genre or sport is. You can get to know him on a deeper level by finding out what he studied in college, and why.[1] After you learn some of your boyfriend’s best friend’s interests, make an effort to include him when you and your boyfriend do things he enjoys.
    • You can ask, “What’s your favorite sport?” “What’s your favorite position to play in the sport?” and “Did you see the game over the weekend?”
    • You can also ask, “What's your favorite subject in school?” Once they have replied, you can ask, “How did you become interested in the subject?” and “What do you find most fascinating about the subject?”
    • You might even try spending some time alone with your boyfriend's best friend. Ask him to lunch or to help you pick out something for your boyfriend.
  2. Compliment him. Making someone feel less important will only bring tension and frustration into the relationship between you and the other person. Instead, make him feel good about himself by offering sincere praise and appreciation. You can either compliment him on specific past achievements, highlight the great work he’s doing, or let him know that you are having an enjoyable time hanging out.[2]
    • You can say, “Jason (your boyfriend) told me that that you practiced every day in order to get the sports scholarship. I really admire your work ethic and motivation.”
  3. Don’t insult or criticize him. Try to hold back any criticisms or insults when interacting with your boyfriend’s friend. Disapproving of and judging his actions will only create distrust between you and him. Instead, decline to make a comment, or turn it into something more positive.[3]
    • For example, if he is bragging about his drunkenness and sexual liaisons Saturday night, try not to degrade him by calling him a pig or disgusting. Instead, steer the conversation into another direction, for example, “What else did you do over the weekend?”
    • Try treat him as you would your own close friend. If he personally upsets you in some way, try to communicate about this and find a solution so that resentment does not occur when your boyfriend wants to spend time with him. However, it is not your job to judge or lecture him for his choices that don't involve you.

Staying Positive

  1. Monitor your body language. When interacting and conversing with him, be aware of your body language. Negative body language can cause a negative reaction or create tension between you two. Be extra careful of your tone of voice, how you use your eyes, and the way you greet him.[2]
    • Don’t roll your eyes, sigh audibly, click your tongue, or suck in your teeth.
    • Remember to smile.
  2. Try not to sound condescending. Through your tone of voice, he will be able to sense that you are talking down to him. If he cannot understand what you are saying, don't slow down your speech so he can understand your point better. This is the way adults talk to children. Instead, communicate better by explaining concepts he does not understand, or by using clearer language.[4]
    • Don't say, for example, "Do I need to explain it in simpler terms for you to understand?" Instead, say, "Let me it explain it better."
    • Or, “Were you able to find anything better to do over the weekend than getting uncontrollably drunk?” Instead, say, "What else did you do over the weekend?"
  3. Switch the topic. If you notice the conversation is beginning to go in direction you do not like, try to switch the topic as soon as you can. Instead, bring up a happy or neutral topic.[5]
    • For example, “I didn’t get a chance to look into that,” or “I don’t know much about that topic, but how was your week, anyways?”
  4. Make him feel welcome. Whenever you, your boyfriend, and his friend are hanging out, remember to make him feel included and welcome. Try not to make him feel like the third wheel. Instead, include him in conversations, and ask what he would prefer to do.[1]
    • For example, “I thought the movie was boring. What did you think about the movie, Joe?”
    • Or, “We are trying to decide what to do, do you have any suggestions? We would love your input.”

Understanding Their Friendship

  1. Acknowledge his importance. It is helpful to know why your boyfriend’s friend means so much to him. By understanding why your boyfriend values his friendship, you can learn to respect and like him, too. Perhaps his friend helped him through a rough time in his life. By knowing that he is a loyal friend, your views about him might change.[6]
    • For example, you can ask, “How did you and Joe become such good friends?”
    • You can do other little things to acknowledge his importance to your boyfriend as well. For example, you can reach out to him on special occasions or congratulate him on accomplishments. If he suffers a loss, you can send him a thoughtful card.
  2. Hang out with your boyfriend and his friends. Give his friends a chance. Offer to hang out with them the next time they go out to eat or see a movie. By hanging out with his group of friends, you will be able to see how much fun they have, and why your boyfriend loves to hang out with them.[6]
    • You can ask, “Hey, can I tag along the next time you guys get pizza and wings? I would love to get to know your friends better.”
  3. Let them have alone time. By respecting your boyfriend and his friend’s space and friendship, you can change any negative opinion his friend has about you. Your boyfriend’s friend will appreciate your consideration, and begin to appreciate you, as well. This will eliminate any animosity, like jealousy, that has resulted from you and your boyfriend’s relationship.[1]
    • Try to hang back and observe their dynamic. Chime in when appropriate, but do not try to change or direct the conversation.
  4. Voice your concerns. You might find yourself in a situation where you are seriously concerned about the effects your boyfriend and his friend's behaviors might have on your boyfriend's health, for example, drinking, gambling, or doing drugs. Address the issue by expressing your point of view without using an accusatory tone. Being accusatory will trigger a defensive response from your boyfriend. This often leads to regretful feelings and miscommunication.[6]
    • Frame your grievances through your own experiences by beginning with the words, "I feel..." instead of "You and your friends..."
    • You can say, "I feel that we should spend more time doing activities that are fun and productive, like running, biking, or camping."

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 http://www.brides.com/story/ways-to-befriend-your-partners-friends
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://www.embracepossibility.com/blog/how-to-get-along-with-anyone/
  3. ↑ http://philmckinney.com/11-simple-rules-for-getting-along-with-others/
  4. ↑ http://www.slowdownfast.com/how-not-to-talk-down-to-people/
  5. ↑ https://www.dailyworth.com/posts/2062-6-ways-to-get-along-with-someone-you-don-t-get-along-with
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 6.2 http://www.canadianliving.com/life-and-relationships/relationships/article/what-to-do-when-you-dislike-your-partner-s-friends
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