Get Along with Your Boyfriend's Mom
Chances are that if you have found your way to this article, you are having difficulty when trying to get along with your brand new boyfriend's mom. What follows is a list of things to consider when trying to build and strengthen your relationship with her.
Steps
- Look for the obvious answer. Did you two get in a fight? Accidentally break her favourite vase? There might be a very simple reason why you two are butting heads, and a simple "I'm sorry" could do the trick.
- Respect her. Do not label her as "mean, annoying, parasitic," or anything similar. She is a person who might have been hurt in the past or could be hurting right now...maybe even from something you have done.
- Talk to your boyfriend. Ask him (in a non-threatening way) if his mother dislikes you or if she is upset about something. If he has no idea, you will have to go solo on this one.
- Avoid immediate confrontation. You might want to try smoothing things over on the down low before bringing it up directly to his mom. Don't make this a bigger problem than it really is.
- Survey! Ask your boyfriend, mom, friends, and friends' moms for suggestions about how to connect with your man's mommy. They can offer you some good perspectives about how she feels and what might open her up to liking you.
- Identify her "Love Language." "The Five Love Languages," authored by Dr. Chapman, gives good insight into how some people best give and receive love. These are actually very effective and have helped many in this same situation. Look to the Tips sections for ideas on how to cater to each Love Language, and visit www.fivelovelanguages.com for free assessments.
- Face the music. If nothing seems to help (meaning you have gone to the extreme and done everything you could) and your relationship with your boyfriend's mom is getting worse, if might be time to suck it up and ask her what is wrong.
- Accept defeat. If mom refuses to talk about it, will not let go of an old grudge, or has illogical reasoning for her dislike of you, it is time to wash your hands of her and the whole mess!
- Tie up loose ends. In any case, tell her (only if it is true) that you care for her, and only want what is best for her and her family. Remember that this thing between you and her is not supposed to be a war. It's supposed to be a relationship. She'll appreciate your care and this might change her heart or strengthen her desire to get to know you better.
- Figure out her personality if she acts mean toward you be careful!
Tips
- To appeal to your boyfriend's mom's Love Language, ask your boyfriend for help identifying it.
- Words of Affirmation: complimenting her cooking, offering encouragement, reinforcing a decision she made, or acknowledging her unique perspective on a topic.
- Quality Time: having a good conversation, playing a board game while chatting, and placing complete focus on her if only for just a few minutes.
- Receiving Gifts: any visible sign of love; can be free, expensive, frequent, or rare. Bringing her a drink from Starbucks, buying her some new scrapbook paper, or even give her the free samples from Dillard's that you don't want.
- Acts of Service: offer to take out the trash for her, help her prepare dinner, or watch the dog when she needs a pet sitter.
- Physical Touch: try to hug her anytime you see her (even though things might be rocky in the beginning). Pat her on the back, give her high fives for a good joke.
Warnings
- Watch out for your sanity. Do not worry yourself so much about it that it makes you sick. It only strains your relationship with your man and makes it harder to love his mom.
- Keep your boyfriend out of it. Yes, ask him for advice and what he thinks might be going wrong. But do not give him an ultimatum, do not blame him for the strain between you and her, and do not threaten him. This is not his fault.
- If you do ask what the matter is, make sure you don't sound annoyed
- Do not blame her...at least in the beginning. You might not know what is going on, and her issues could run very deep.
- If you are too nervous to ask your boyfriend's mom what is wrong, ask your guy. He might know
- Remember that there might not be a way to fix the problem. She might just not like you
Things You'll Need
- Supportive family, friends, and boyfriend
- Confidence!
- The voice inside you that tells you that no matter the answer, keep on being who you really are!
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