Get Along with Your Boyfriend's Sister

It can be difficult getting on with a loved one's sister, especially if she is dead set on being challenging toward you for reasons of her own. And while it would be lovely if such a person would just be open and accepting, it is not always the case. Fortunately, in general most relatively sane families have some semblance of concern when someone new enters the picture. This reality allows you to work on the assumption that things can be set straight in time.

Steps

Preparing yourself to meet her

  1. Be yourself. It's near impossible for anyone to give you a fair shake if you are being fake, trying to pretend to like the things the sister likes when it's clear you're as different as night and day. While it's difficult to act naturally at first, affecting a completely different personality from the beginning is immature and misleading.
  2. Get some background information before meeting your boyfriend's sister. Rope your boyfriend into helping you out. Ask him about her favourite books, movies, TV shows, etc. Ask what she likes to do, for example: Does she like to ski, take pictures, shop - what? What kind of music does she listen to? Has she got any unusual hobbies? Think of this as research. It's always nice if you can strike up a conversation about something you're already well aware that she has interest in. This will tell her that you bothered to ask her brother about her, and therefore that you are interested in getting to know her.
  3. Think about how you're going to use this information. Have you got anything in common with her? If you have, aim to bring her into a conversation about it. For example, if you both like the same band, you could say, "Did you see their gig last month? What did you think of it?".
  4. Turn your boyfriend into an ally of both of you. Tell your boyfriend that you're nervous about meeting his sister and that you don't want to cause her to feel that you're intruding or impacting their special relationship in any way. It will give him a chance to reassure you about her and to perhaps suggest some smart tactics for dealing with any particular quirks, preferences or attitudes she might present to you.
    • Ask him about how his sister has been toward former girlfriends. You might be able to build up a picture of her prior behavior to help you.

Spending time with your boyfriend's sister

  1. Start off being polite, interested and engaging. Assume the best and expect that things will go well. They may not but you can remain the better person by not stooping to any level of negativity she might wish to introduce.
  2. Ask for her opinion or advice on something. Another example: If she's an avid DIYer, ask, 'I've been thinking about painting my living room, but I'm not sure whether I could just paint over my wallpaper or whether I'll have to strip it. What do you think?'
  3. Be friendly and open to sharing a little bit about yourself. No one wants to hear the unabridged version of your life; however, by being open and light you are encouraging the same in return. Even if the two of you hit it off completely, don't lose control and start pouring out everything to her. You risk saying something you didn't want known this early; and furthermore, you will have less to say on the next visit!
  4. Try to talk to her in as neutral a setting as possible. Having his whole family around her could make it feel like a "me against all of them" situation. Can you invite her out somewhere?
  5. Do not be overly touchy with your boyfriend. No one, especially the family, needs to see displays of your physical interaction. She will feel uncomfortable and possibly resentful, because it will seem as though you are attempting to control his attention. Once you leave, you can do whatever you like.

Coping with tension

  1. Deal with the challenges if they arise. If you like her, that's great; however, if you sense that there is tension, do your best to remove yourself from the situation and calmly discuss it with your boyfriend. Make sure that you do not make it sound as though you are blaming his sister. See if he has any explanation for her behavior.
  2. Look for a middle way. If she doesn't start showing any signs of accepting you, you need to find some sort of middle-ground or understanding with your boyfriend as to how to handle things. Inform him that you will defend yourself if needed but you won't be provoking anything. It doesn't do to be a doormat just because she's of his family––once that's established, it'll never stop.
  3. Keep is short and sweet. If the two of you have not hit it off, whenever you see her, be friendly but brief. There's nothing wrong with being civil. Not everyone is going to be your best friend; however, do your best to always keep your manners at the forefront. Who knows? In time, the two of you may improve your relationship, but keep in mind that she's known him longer, he already loves her and blood/familial bond is typically thicker than water. Tread with care.

Tips

  • Be yourself. There's no point trying to get her to like a version of yourself that doesn't exist.
  • Try to get in with the rest of his family too (if you're not already!) It'll help if, say, his parents think well of you, as she'll want their opinion.
  • Sisters can be very protective of their brothers, even territorial. Older sisters may see themselves as taking care of little brother, while younger sisters may feel that their treasured position of being taken care of by their brother is now threatened.
  • Ask her about herself. It's been proven that if you have a conversation with someone and you encourage the person just to talk about himself or herself, he or she will walk away thinking you're the interesting one. Try it.
  • Be open to the possibility that you may not like each other. This should not affect your relationship with your boyfriend, but you will need to discuss it.
  • Be respectful of the prior relationship and shared history of your boyfriend and his sibling. Try asking about it, especially if there are pictures or other mementos on display.

Warnings

  • Rarely, if ever, will you win, if you try to pit your boyfriend against anyone in his family. Instead, seek to make it clear you won't be the butt of nonsense and will continue being who you are, regardless of any insolence or potshots.
  • If all these tips fail, then maybe it wasn't meant to be. Sometimes people are just too different (or similar!) to get on. It doesn't mean you can't have a really good go at it, though.

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