Get Someone to Talk to You

Starting a conversation can be tricky, whether it's with a casual acquaintance or a complete stranger. While making small talk might not come naturally to you, there are plenty of ways you can prepare for these kinds of situations. Once you're in a social situation, follow a few simple steps and you will be an excellent conversationalist who everyone will want to talk to.

Steps

Getting Comfortable Talking to People

1. Stay engaged. If striking up conversations with people you don't know tends to cause you a lot of anxiety, try to remember that you are not alone. A lot of people get nervous in social situations, but that doesn't mean that they avoid them altogether!
   • The only way to get past your anxiety is to keep putting yourself in new situations that challenge you.
   • Keep in mind that no one else knows that you are not confident. If you swallow your fears and pretend to be confident, no one will have any idea that you were anxious in the first place. The more you smile and interact with others, the more confident you will appear.
2. Do your research. If you will be attending an organized social gathering, try to find out who will be there ahead of time. The more you know about the other guests, the better prepared you will be to converse with them.
   • If it seems appropriate, you could research the invitees to a corporate event online and read about their recent projects. If you're attending a dinner party at a friend's house, just ask her about the other people who will be there.
   • If you can't find out any specific information about the people you're likely to meet, think about what the people who are attending this specific event are likely to be interested in or involved in. You can use this information to think about questions you might ask people to break the ice. For example, if it is a social event at a university, you can ask people to tell you about their most interesting class.
3. Stay current. If you're worried about not having anything to say to someone, one of the best things you can do is to read the news and be informed about current events. If you know what's going on in the world and in your local community, you'll always have something to talk about, even if it's something as mundane as the storm you're expecting next week.
   • Try to avoid being overly political with people you don't know at all. Some people do not want to talk about sensitive subjects, while others might be ready to get into a heated debate.
4. Be interesting. This may sound easier said than done, but you really just need to be passionate about something in order to have a great conversation about it. Whether you're an avid world traveler or a movie buff, chances are you can think of a few interesting things to talk about.
   • When thinking about interesting things to talk about, try to focus on things that most other people would be able to relate to in some way. You can test yourself by thinking about what kinds of questions you could ask to get them engaged in the conversation. For example, you could say, "I really enjoy trying new types of cuisine. Do you have any favorite restaurants around here?" This is a question that most people would have an answer to.
   • While it's a great idea to think about interesting things to talk about, resist the urge to plan out exactly what you will say. This will probably come across as overly scripted and awkward. You may also be caught off guard if the other person does not respond exactly the way you expected.
5. Learn to read body language. Body language is extremely important, and the better you understand it, the more confident you will feel in social situations. Paying attention to body language will help you determine when it is appropriate to approach someone and when it is time to end a conversation.
   • If a person is running around or has his hands full it's probably best not to approach him, unless of course you're offering to give him a hand.
   • If a person is disengaging from the group by reading, listening to music, or staying away from everyone else, there is a good chance that person does not want to be bothered.
   • If a person you are talking to is fidgeting, turning away from you, or not responding to you, it may be a sign that you should end the conversation or change the topic.
   • If a person is not returning your eye contact, it may indicate that he does not want to talk.

Getting the Conversation Started

1. Be approachable. The more approachable you look, the better your chances are that someone will strike up a conversation with you. Make sure your body language communicates that you are friendly and open to meeting new people.
   • Make eye contact and acknowledge the other people in the room. Avoid looking at your phone or turning away from the crowd. Keep a lookout for people who return your eye contact, and be sure to smile at them.
   • Uncross your arms and legs.
   • Smiling, tilting your head, and raising your eyebrows slightly are all subtle cues that you are friendly and approachable.
2. Make the first move. If no one has approached you to make conversation, you might have to take the first step. Depending on where you are and who else is there, you might approach someone who you have met in the past or a complete stranger.
   • If you have met the person before, even if your interaction was very brief, ask a follow-up question to show that you remember your last conversation. For example, you could say something like, "I think you were moving when we last met. How's your new apartment?"
   • If you have not met the person before but have something in common, like a shared acquaintance, use this knowledge to break the ice. For example, you could say, "Hi, you're Tom, right? My name is Jill. I heard that you've known my friend Jane for a long time."
   • If you are in a business situation, simply introduce yourself and tell the person what it is you do for work. The person will likely respond in the same way. If you want to continue the conversation, you can begin to talk about any career similarities you may share or ask for an opinion based on the person's professional expertise.
   • Regardless of the situation, you can always strike up a conversation with someone by talking about any kind of shared experience, whether it is the school you both go to, a person you both know, or even the event you are both attending.
3. Ask to be introduced. If there's someone specific that you want to talk to at a social event and you're too nervous to introduce yourself, try asking someone else to do it. Depending on the situation, you could ask the host of the event to introduce you, or maybe a mutual acquaintance.
4. Ditch your fears about talking to strangers in public. A lot of people are absolutely terrified of the idea of starting a conversation with a complete stranger on the bus or at a cafe. This is probably because people assume that other people do not want to be bothered. In fact, recent studies show that most people are in a better mood after having a conversation with a stranger, so there's really no reason to be scared at all!
   • The best way to get more comfortable talking to strangers is to do it all the time, whether it's with someone you're romantically interested in or just the person in front on you in line at the grocery store. The more you do it, the easier it will become, so don't worry if it doesn't always go well.
   • If you know absolutely nothing about the person you're talking to, start the conversation by commenting on the weather or something else in your shared environment, like the nice renovation that was just done at the grocery store you're in, for example. You can also try asking for a simple opinion, like, "What kind of fruit do you think I should buy to go with chocolate cake?" or offering a compliment, such as, "I like your coat. Where did you get it?"
5. Embrace small talk. Small talk may seem boring and uncomfortable, but it's a great way to learn some basic information about the people who you're talking to. Once you know a little bit more about the person, the conversation can begin to grow and develop.
   • For example, you can start a conversation with someone by making small talk about hobbies. If the person mentions a hobby that you happen to share, you can begin a more in-depth conversation about it. While the small talk might have been awkward, you never would have learned that you shared a hobby without it.
6. Know your purpose. If you just want to be social and get to know people, you can let the conversation develop naturally. If, however, you want someone to talk to you about something specific, you will need to steer the conversation in the right direction.
   • Don't skip introductions and small talk, even if you have a specific purpose. The person will be more willing to talk to you if you come across as friendly and polite. Make sure to show some interest in how he is doing before you get to the purpose of your conversation.
   • Make sure the person you want to talk to has enough time to talk about the topic. If the topic you want to talk about is private in any way, be sure the setting is appropriate as well.
   • If you are not able to have the entire conversation, consider approaching the person, making some pleasant small talk, and then mentioning that you would really like to talk to him about something specific when he has a chance. Give the person a business card or exchange contact information so you can continue the conversation in the future.

Being a Great Conversationalist

1. Maintain eye contact. Let the person you are talking to know that you are interested in the conversation by continuing to make eye contact. If you are constantly looking in other directions, he might think you don't want to talk to him.
2. Listen and ask questions. People will want to talk to you if you show interest in their lives and what they have to say. Show them you want to get to know them by taking the time to listen closely and asking them to tell you more.
   • If you're just getting to know a person, ask lots of questions about her work, her family, and her interests.
   • Ask open-ended questions. The person might be shy, or just not a good conversationalist, so asking if she likes sushi could shut the conversation down with a simple yes or no, while asking what she thinks of this new sushi restaurant that you both happen to be sitting in is a path to a longer answer and more in-depth conversation. Good examples of open-ended questions are those that start with, "What do you think of...," "What's your opinion on...," or "Why do you think..."
   • Frame your responses in reference to the other person, not yourself. For example, if the person tells you about his busy schedule, say, "So you must not have much time to just relax, then," instead of "I know what it's like to not have any down time."
   • You can also show that you are attentive and interested by interjecting with affirmative phrases, like "Uh-huh" or "Wow" while the other person is telling a story.
3. Know what topics to avoid. In addition to avoiding any controversial topics, you should also steer clear of talking about anything that might be a sore subject for your conversation partner. It's not always possible to predict this, but if you listen carefully, you may be able to avoid some blunders.
   • For example, if the person says he was recently divorced, you should probably avoid talking about anything having to do with relationships. Instead, try to steer the conversation in a more positive direction.
4. Be positive. If you want people to enjoy talking to you, you need to make sure you have the right energy. Even if you're not feeling very positive, remember that the people you have just met do not want to hear about your complaints.
   • Remember to keep smiling throughout the conversation. Laugh when it's appropriate.
   • If you can't think of anything positive to talk about, ask the other person an open-ended question like, "What are you planning to do this summer?"
   • It's okay to talk about serious subjects in certain contexts. If, for example, someone who you both know is in the hospital, it is fine to mention that you are sad for her and you hope she will be better soon. Just try not to dwell on gloomy subjects, or people will be unlikely to want to keep talking to you.
5. Talk about yourself briefly. Whether you're trying to make friends or business connections, it's important that the people you are talking to get some sense of who you are. If you make an impression on them, they will be much more likely to talk to you the next time you see each other. Be wary, however, of oversharing details about your personal life or going on and on about your opinions.
   • If you start to feel like you are dominating the conversation, look for a way that you can redirect it towards the other person. Try asking something like, "What is your opinion on this?" or "How are things at your job?"
   • When you do talk about yourself, be sure to be humble. Even if you've done something amazing, no one wants to hear you brag about it.
6. Don't be offended. If someone isn't interested in talking to you, try not to take it personally. The person may be distracted or may have had a terrible day, so it might have nothing to do with you. If you walk away with a smile, you show class and confidence, but still leave the door open to talk to that person at another time or place if you need to.
7. Bow out gracefully. When you're ready to end a conversation, it is polite to thank the person for her time or express that you enjoyed talking with her. If you won't be leaving the event, give a reason for ending the conversation. You can say something like, "I've really enjoyed meeting you, but I just saw someone I need to talk to. Maybe we can continue this conversation later," or "I'm going to go get some food. It was so nice meeting you."

Tips

• Practice your conversation skills as often as you can. Before you know it, you will be such a great conversationalist that everyone will want to talk to you.
• Offering a compliment is also a great way to start a conversation, as long as it is genuine.
• Ask a friend for honest advice on your conversation skills. Don't take offense if she gives you some critiques; instead try to learn from them.
• Never talk bad about a third party in order to build rapport, even if you're just joking. It comes off as mean and rude, and you never know if the person with the ridiculous socks is your conversation partner's brother. Jokes about the person you're currently talking to are also inappropriate.

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Sources and Citations

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