Get Your Stuff Back After Splitting up
Everyone leaves things at their partner's house sometimes. Some of us leave everything. It's not about presents and love tokens, it's about the things they borrow; the camcorder, the sat-nav unit, the irreplaceable vinyl, your wallet. Here are some steps you can take before losing your cool.
Steps
- Consider your relationship after the break-up. Are you speaking? Are there any unresolved feelings? Will you likely get back together in a month's time?
- Identify issues that may prevent the return of your property. We are most interested in personal anger/hate, trust, honesty and need.
- Create a list of things that were borrowed, which are undoubtedly yours, and which you wish to have safely returned. Are there any items which may result in a disagreement?
- Create a list of property you have which your ex may like to have returned.
- Choose a method of contact that will not offend your ex. Decide on a method that is likely to be noticed, don't write a letter if you think it may be torn up. Remember that they may not want to answer your calls while they get over you.
- Contact your ex, express your honest feelings about the breakup, offer your time to resolve any differences or issues, and ask for a moment when you could collect some of your things that you have left at their place.
- Was your call taken? Did you get a reply (if the contact was written?) If not, wait as long as you can, (but not too long, especially if the return of your property is urgent), and politely request some attention to resolve your property concerns. Contact people who are in regular contact with your ex, and ask for them to make an approach for you.
- Still no joy? Use all the numbers and email addresses you have for your ex. Send a text message offering to help make a clean break. Say you only want items that you absolutely need, and then you'll be out of their hair. Ask for no more than the return of your clear property.
- If your ex ignores you still, make contact (by text/letter/email/answerphone), mention that legal help is available for couples that can't agree on property issues. Offer to go to arbitration (informal or formal) to resolve the outstanding property issues. State that you need your stuff and are still interested in a companionable solution to the problem.
- If your ex refuses your requests or ignores you further, try asking a lawyer/solicitor to send a letter to your ex setting out your legal claim to your goods.
- If necessary you can claim in a family/small claims court.
Tips
- Always put property issues in context, there may be urgent unresolved trust, sexual or openness issues that prevent your ex from addressing your concerns.
- When visiting your ex to get the items, it's best to stay focused on the items. Don't chat and hug too much. Take your items and preferably put them on the table (literally) so that your ex knows what you're taking back.
- Presents given to your ex, by you, still belong to your ex. In case this is something you'd want back, (you might have worked hours to sew a blanket with tiny hearts, or a long poem, things that your ex would maybe throw out, but YOU have put effort into, those items...)you say; 'I know "item" is yours, and you can keep it. But in case you would want to throw it away, I'd like it back.'
- Put your ex's belongings in a see through bag and hand them over to him/her. Gifts that your ex gave you, and you do not want to keep,can be put in the bag as well. Make sure to only return the gifts that are worth returning. You wouldn't want to get those worn-out socks back you gave him 7 years ago around Christmas-eve. But a handmade painting of you as a couple...Also, items that are worth money and you know he wouldn't want to have returned (a book you got, read once, and didn't like) are still yours and you can just sell them/give them away.
- When cleaning out your closet's when searching for your ex's items, you might want to continue getting rid of a few of your own items too.When being together with someone, you often get a shared-taste-in-clothes-and-items. Which means, if you know your ex loved tie-dye items, you must've bought a few yourself. If he is obsessed with Family Guy, you might have a Stewie-T-shirt. Try to ask yourself what items are really 'yours' and what items did you keep/buy because your ex liked them. This doesn't mean you have to throw everything away though, you might like a few of those t-shirts as well, but use the moment to put everything in a bag and re-check later on, which items can really be sold/given to others or charity. This will also help you to live in the moment, instead of in the past and gives you the feeling back of controlling your own life.
Warnings
- Don't contact your ex more than you have to. Nobody likes a blizzard of messages, especially from someone with whom all feelings are sensitive.
Things You'll Need
- Missing property
- A see through bag
- A friendly and open manner
