Get over a Guy After a Bad Break Up

Endings are difficult. Just like any ending or any loss, the end of a significant relationship can bring up strong emotions. The longer you have been together the more intertwined your lives will have become. Regardless of if it has been a long term relationship or a relationship that ended very badly, there are still ways to get over it and move on with your life. Allow yourself to grieve the loss, find and define yourself again, and start the process of moving on. It may take you a short time or it may take a great deal of time and patience, but you can get there!

Steps

Grieving the End of the Relationship

1. Allow yourself time to grieve your loss. You mourn and grieve losses and endings. A bad break up is not any different. Remind yourself, you are not really grieving the loss of him. You are grieving the loss of something you put a lot of your time, energy, and love into, that didn't work out the way you hoped.
   • You may find yourself going through the stages of grief, including: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You may not go through all the stages or go through them in order, but expect at least some of them to show up.
2. Process your thoughts and feelings about your relationship. Make sure to engage in this as in short bursts so as not to dwell on it. Don't spend large amounts of time thinking and rethinking everything that happened, but instead set aside 15–20 minutes where you will process as much as you want and then move on with your day. You will want to process through it to help you get a clearer picture. Consider the following.
   • Reflect on why the relationship wasn't working and why you are better off without him around. The truth is that something happened and he was not a good match for you. The sooner you are able to identify why, the easier it will be to let go and move on.
   • Remind yourself of any negatives about your ex. This may not be an activity that you are ready to do immediately, but it will help you gain perspective on your relationship.
   • Note what you learned from this relationship. Did you have needs that were unaddressed? Did you learn never to date someone you work with? There is a great deal to learn about yourself and what you want (or don't want) when a relationship goes south.
3. Let yourself cry or be angry for a short while. There may be an instinct to not let anyone see you upset. This instinct may come from the need to prove to others that you are fine without him. Bottling up the emotions, however, can be potentially damaging to your physical and mental health. Even if it is in the privacy of your home, let yourself cry or let yourself yell and be angry.
   • If the breakup was bad in the sense of it ending in a fight, harsh words, or hurt feelings, expressing that anger in a controlled way is an important step to moving forward.
   • The benefit to this is the potential experience of a catharsis, or a release of strong emotions.
   • Another added benefit is that you will be able to release those emotions in a controlled way. Releasing them in a controlled way prevents emotions from pouring out somewhere inappropriate like at work.
4. Speak to him once. You may not want to talk to your ex at all, and that's okay. You may be hoping that speaking one last time will help with a sense of closure you desire. It might help to communicate some thoughts or feelings to him. There may be some questions or final things you'd like to say. It's important to know you may never find the closure you are looking for in speaking with your ex.
   • Plan a little bit of what you would like to say before meeting with him. It will help you organize your thoughts.
   • Ask him the questions you'd like answers to. If the break-up was unexpected, ask him what happened.
   • Try to be calm even though you may be feeling emotional or angry. If the last time you saw each other was the break up, it may be more emotional for you to see them again.
5. Keep your distance. After you have your closure talk with him, stay away and have little to no contact with him. Bumping into him somewhere you know he will be, talking to each other on the phone, or being around him will only prolong the grieving process. It also risks you romanticizing your past with him and desires to get back together. Even if you would like to be friends someday down the road, you need to take some time away at the beginning.
   • Erase him from your phone. This will remove the possibility of late night texting and will help you keep your distance from him.
   • Block or unfriend him on social media. Having him and what he is doing come up on your news feed will only make getting over the relationship harder on you.
   • Stay away from places you know he will be if possible. In light of your break up, friends and family may be willing to step in and help to give you a little time away.
6. Remain flexible in the aftermath of your breakup. Your talk with him or your ability to keep your distance from him may look widely different depending on your circumstances and situation. Your situation may not allow you to make a clean break from your ex. Some possibilities are:
   • If you were in a relationship without any assets or children, it may be a cleaner break. You should be able to see him a final time and then close the door on that portion of your story.
   • If you were married and have children together, the possibility of speaking to him one final time for closure is less realistic. Speaking to him is still important, but you will likely have to see again in the future and will not be able to cut him out completely. This may change what you say or the goals of your conversation.
7. Write about how you feel and what you think. Breakups affect you physically, mentally, and emotionally. Buy a new journal for yourself to help you work through some of it. Write honestly about the relationship, as well as what you think and feel about your day to day experience during the break up. Getting those thoughts and feelings out and onto paper can be more helpful than you might think. Try the following journaling prompts:
   • ”It has been x days since we broke up, and I feel...”
   • ”Dear Jim, here are all the things I've wanted to say to you lately.”
   • ”Some of my favorite times together were...” followed by “My least favorite times were...”
8. Remove or put away memory triggers. Everyone collects mementos and items as they are going through a relationship. Now, these mementos could become distracting reminders as you are trying to heal. Get rid of any special items that remind you of your ex. You should be comfortable in your own space without being constantly reminded of him when you see photos or gifts he gave you.
   • If you are not ready to throw them out or give them away, that's okay. Place those items in a box and store the box away somewhere out of sight.
9. Avoid unhealthy methods of coping. During times of stress, sadness, or feeling down about yourself, it is common to turn to unhealthy methods of coping. Stay away from coping with alcohol, drugs, or copious amounts of food.
   • Spend time outside instead. Spending time outside will not only help clear your head, but provide you with a Vitamin D mood boost as well.
   • You could also learn a new skill, like photography, a new language, or a musical instrument. Engaging in positive activities will make you feel better in the long-run. Unhealthy methods of coping will only distract you for a short amount of time.
10. Talk to someone. Sometimes the best way to deal with a really bad break up is to talk to someone about it. Call a close friend, tell them what happened, and how you feel about it. Talk to a family member you are close to like a sibling or a parent. If you are finding that you are deeply struggling with the break up, or that is has seriously affected your self esteem, talk to a mental health professional or a therapist.
    • If your breakup ended in a big fight between you two, talking to someone can help you process through the fight and address anything it may have brought up for you.
    • If your breakup left you both with hard feelings, talking to someone may help you cope and can provide validation for those feelings.
    • If during your breakup harsh things were said, talking to someone will help refute things that were said in the heat of an argument.
    • If your relationship ended because he was unfaithful, talking to someone can help the affect it may be having on your self-esteem.

Finding Yourself Again

1. Take time for you. You may have spent a lot of your time and energy with this person and finding yourself alone can be difficult. The best way to deal with this is to concentrate on yourself, your self worth, and your happiness.
   • Spend time with friends who make you feel good about yourself.
   • Repeat affirmations to yourself to help you focus on your future and your self-worth.
   • Volunteer to do charity work for a cause that is really important to you.
2. Rediscover your passions. At times the break up will get to you and make you feel incredibly sad. One of the best parts of a break up is rediscovering the things that made you happy. Maybe he hated Indian food and you love it, or maybe he would never go to an art museum with you. Now is a great time to grab some friends and make plans to cultivate your interests.
   • If it has been so long that you feel you can't remember, find new hobbies or interests to participate in. Discover yourself and your passions again.
3. Redecorate or reorganize. Another way to create a fresh start for yourself is to organize or redecorate your living space. You'll have the opportunity to rid your space of anything bad or negative and introduce new fresh and uplifting styles, colors, or decor. Additionally, attending to your living space in this way will help reduce stress levels or negative thoughts that might come from having a living area that is cluttered or full of memories.
   • Take new pictures with family or friends, and buy new frames to display them.
   • Change the color scheme of your apartment or bedroom.
   • Reorganize your kitchen so that everything is just the way you like it.
4. Avoid the rebound relationship, if you can. It is common to seek comfort or the stability of a new relationship. This can often only lead to further confusion and emotional struggles. Think of your break up like a broken bone. Would it make sense to immediately go and play a new full contact game on a broken bone? Or would it just increase the likelihood that you will only get injured further? Give yourself time to heal and focus on your own emotional health first.
5. Practice self-care. It can be easy, during the pain of a horrible break up, to forget to take care of yourself. It is okay to wallow for a time, but make sure you are taking care of yourself and your needs going forward. You are important, and you should treat yourself likewise. Address how you are eating, sleeping, relaxing, and taking care of yourself to see what you can change for the better.
   • Make sure you are keeping up with daily tasks like cooking meals, showering, and cleaning; even though they may require a extra effort while you are healing.
   • Keep active by doing some activity you like such as swimming, running, or working out. Exercise will make you feel healthier and trigger feel-good responses in your body to help you find a sense of well-being.
   • Eat a well-balanced diet every day. Eating balanced includes: 5 portions of fruits and vegetables, starchy foods, some dairy, protein, less saturated fat and sugar, and plenty of water.
   • Make sure you are getting adequate sleep of between 7 to 9 restful hours per night.
   • Pamper yourself with some at-home spa treatments like a luxurious bath or facial mask.

Moving On

1. Surround yourself with a solid support network. As you are healing and begin to move on, surround yourself with people who care about you and your well-being. You'll find it easier to move on if you have loved ones cheering you through it.
   • These are people that should support you and understand that you are going to have to do things at your own pace.
   • Your support network should include people that you could call if you need someone to talk to or if you need help.
2. Spend time with your friends. When you are ready to do out into the world of social activities again, go with friends. Take the time to reconnect with them and reestablish your relationships. It will not only help ease stress you might be having about moving on, but will also give you time to rediscover what you love about each of your friends. Make plans for lunch, go together to a party, or have a spa day.
3. Listen to yourself. As you are moving on listen to yourself, you will know when you are ready to do each step of the process. Go slow and don't force yourself to try and get over the break up as quickly as possible. Break ups unfortunately do not work like that. Healing and moving on can take some time. Give yourself the time to do it right, and you'll be better off for it.
4. Reflect on what you have learned. It's sometimes easy to think of a relationship as a failure, especially if it ends badly, but even the most difficult relationship can teach you about yourself — about what you want (and don't want) in a partner, how you deal with conflict and communicate, where you might Set Boundaries when Dating in a future relationship, and so on. Ask yourself which values are important to you so that when you're ready to date you can look for someone whose values are similar.
   • For instance, maybe this past relationship taught you that it's very important that you and your partner have similar religious beliefs, or that you want to be with someone who makes family a priority. When you meet someone, use this new knowledge about what you want to decide if you are compatible.
5. Get back out there, when you are ready. Take your time getting back into the dating world. Figure out how you want to start dating and how actively you want to look. Maybe ask friends to set you up, or join an online dating site. Or if you are not ready to be that active, just stay open to new possibilities. Go about it in whatever way makes you comfortable. Make decisions about dating using the knowledge you have gained from this break up about yourself, your worth, and what you want out of a true partner.
   • Take some time to think about if you've healed enough from your previous relationship to allow yourself to be vulnerable and open with someone new. If not, you might need a little more time before you're ready to date again.

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• Get a Girl to Hate You
• Make Yourself Not Love Someone
• Know if the Relationship Is Over
• Dump Your Boyfriend Nicely
• Know When to Break Up
• Break Up with Someone and Remain Their Friend
• Let Someone Go
• Break Up with Someone You Love
• Get Your Ex Back

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• Get Over a Break Up
• Get a Girl to Fall for You
• Get Over a Guy
• Not Stress over a Breakup