Stop Competing With Other Moms

Whether your child is taking his or her first steps, or is applying to law school, it's human nature to compare how your kids are doing versus others. While some moms take other children’s milestones in stride (a friend’s child is walking at nine months, while your child is still crawling at 12 months), others get agitated and turn mothering into a contest of wits, with the goal of raising the “better” child being the desired outcome.

Steps

  1. Remember that milestone development is relative. Keep in mind that Einstein didn’t speak until he was four years old, so the fact that your friend’s daughter is forming sentences at 10 months should be meaningless to you. The only reason you want your children to hit certain milestones is to ensure that he or she is developing on schedule, a schedule that has fairly wide margins. As long as your pediatrician is confident with your child’s development then relax and instead enjoy the stage he or she is currently in. Remember––you don’t always want what you wish for. You could be green with envy that your friend’s toddler walked at an early age, but only realize that early walking means early running... and more chasing for you.
    • Listen to experts before your friends. Moms like to boast about how quickly it took to potty train their children or how quickly their child learned to read. In some cases it's a backhanded way of saying that the mom is smart; in other cases, it's about proving that the child is smarter than the other children. Try to put the earplugs in when discussing children with other mothers and focus only on what your pediatrician or educators tell you about your child’s individual development.
    • Instead of being jealous, try to gain knowledge from friends whose children are at a different milestone. These are the friends who can tell you what to look for or how to tackle certain challenges with a stage––equally, they can tell you what not to worry about (plenty!). For example, friends can recommend certain types of books or a great strategy for coping when your child hits a certain stage. And they can help advise you about all the seemingly odd or unusual things that kids do, to reassure you that it's okay.
    • Don’t get too involved in parenting books. While parenting books are ideal for preparation and to let you know what may be coming up next, don’t rigidly adhere to the book, as you may end up competing with the book. Unfortunately, children don’t come with directions––parenting books are designed to help us what we may (or may not) expect during certain milestone stages. But they're no more than a reflection of one person's opinion about raising children and they are as human as you. Indeed, sometimes a parenting book is a useful gauge for how you will not treat your child if you disagree with the author's approach!
  2. Avoid turning parenting into a competition. Remember that being a parent is not a competition––it's a vocation, an act of love and a responsibility but it isn't a sprint to the finish line (actually, there is no finish line!). Your goal is to raise a healthy, happy, confident child so despite what your friends are doing, you have to do what feels right in your mind and in your heart. Children are resilient and forgive most things when there is love in abundance; for example, missing out on the extracurricular craziness imposed on your child's peers in the name of competitiveness isn't going to break your child and may actually improve your child's resourcefulness.
    • Stop yourself when you start comparing your child to your friends’ children or the children in your mother's group. When you see yourself measuring your child up to everyone else, take a breath and back off. If need be, count to 10, practice deep breathing and clear your mind. You will be a freer person if you can stop making comparisons and your child will be better off too. Realize that you will be teaching your child by example how to handle such social pressure.
    • Remember that every child develops at a different rate and has different gifts. While your friend’s child may be talented in sports, your child may develop into a gifted painter. Don't try to shove your child into a box in an effort to “one up” your friends. Allow him or her to develop talents naturally and intuitively, while providing love and support along the way.
    • Keep an open mind in situations where moms may be more inclined to make comparisons. Certain environments such as some “mom and tot” groups or children’s sports may produce some boastful parental behavior about childhood milestones. Go into such environments keeping this in mind and take what other moms say with a grain of salt. Always bear in mind that nothing binds you to such groups either––if you really hate going to them and having your child up for comparison, call it quits and do something much more constructive with your time.
  3. Let your friend feel that she’s won her self-initiated contest. Decide to stop competing in order to put a halt to the comparisons. Remember––once someone has “won” a competition the race is over. The quickest way to stop the mommy contest is to not respond when a friend boasts about her child’s developmental milestone. Or simply say, “That’s great, congratulations", or "Good for your child.” Don’t add to the conversation or try to tell her what your child is doing––most likely she doesn’t care and would only want to hear about it in order to use as a metric for her own child’s development. With the fuel removed, you'll also get a good indicator of whether you're really friends with this mom or you were just useful to have around to help make her feel more secure about herself; you'll soon know by whether or not it remains easy to spend time together.
  4. Surround yourself with other like-minded moms. Not all moms want to compare milestones, in fact some moms “compete” to see which child makes goofier (or the most embarrassing) mistakes, instead of which child is further ahead. You’ll find that when you're in a group of moms who are rooted in reality, comparing stories will actually be a lot more fun and remind you that your child is normal. Finding such moms after a bad experience can be a little daunting though. Try using meet up sites online, either looking for a new mom's group or starting one of your own, with clear parameters that the meet-ups are not about being competitive.
    • Talk openly to other moms. When you click with a mom who feels the same way that you do about parenting not being a competitive sport, get her contact details and stay connected. By slowly increasing your pool of non-competitive mom friends, you'll build up the confidence to repel competitiveness in parenting.
  5. Keep in mind that your child’s development is not a direct extension of your parenting skills. Some parents take their child’s development far too personally, believing that the way the child performed on a test or if he or she walked early has something directly to do with the parent’s abilities, time input and how many Baby Mozart CDs were purchased and religiously listened to. While you can support, encourage and nurture your child’s development, whether he or she becomes a doctor or a professional football player (or whatever your dreams are for your child) should not be an extension of you and what you wanted from life. Moreover, as a guide, you should set limits to ensure good behavior and wise choices but you cannot determine how your child's personality will eventually shape itself and what choices your child will end up making later in their life. If you believe that you are judged by how your child turns out, instill good manners in them and respect for others, but don't measure your child against the children of other people or you will live a life in which you feel constantly afraid of not meeting arbitrary and often changing socially set standards. That's not living––it's conforming and barely enjoying life.
    • Avoid comparing your success to your child’s. If you regret not going to Harvard, avoid projecting that regret onto your child. Keep his or her dreams and your dreams completely separate so that your child can grow into the adult with a fulfilling life.
    • Stop yourself from bragging to friends about your child’s milestones. If you want to get off the milestone bragging wheel, you have to stop gabbing about what marvel your child has achieved to other moms. While you should be able to tell close friends and family members your child took his/her first steps (who are truly happy for your child and don’t want to compete), don’t throw the information into the mommy ring. Doing this may only set you up for another round of “one upping.”
    • Take care when praising your child. Telling your child that he or she is smarter, better looking, cleverer, etc. than other children can create a praise monster who feels totally entitled. It is better to be honest about shortcomings and teach your child early on that effort, determination and continually trying will win over innate talent and looks.and that's true

Tips

  • Keep in mind that old childhood or college friend relationships may change after you’ve had children. Friends who become mothers may have harbored old competitive feelings, which may manifest after you both have children (especially if your children are the same age). In fact, for some moms who "find their calling" in motherhood, things can change dramatically when they feel powerful by proxy. Be compassionate in understanding that they are striving to do good, be good and be seen to be good but don't fall into their gilded world and find yourself wanting.
  • Find mom friends who are more supportive rather than competitive with you.

Warnings

  • Be understanding, not condescending, toward the competitive parent. Fear and pride drive them at the same time, as well as a good dose of familial narcissism. They worry about family safety both short and long term, so it's best to avoid pointing out their shortcomings; rather, simply shorten any time spent around such parents and to keep away most of the time or their fear and competitiveness feel contagious and cause you to worry unnecessarily.
  • Don’t make any big decisions about your child’s development based on what other moms may say. Hearsay is a dangerous mistress––find reputable sources of information before jumping to any conclusions about anything.

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