Help Your Daughter Deal With Being Raped

Rape is a horrible, traumatic experience for anyone to go through. Your daughter's rape can seriously hurt her, emotionally and physically, and can have huge emotional consequences for your family. Your daughter will need a lot of love, and as a parent, you may react with rage and self-blame. Here is how you can help your daughter deal with being raped and help her recover.

Steps

Dealing with Emotional Effects

  1. Tell your daughter you love her. Make sure she understands that you will love and support her through any tough time in her life, including this one. Be there for her in every way that you can. Offer her support and affection, and remind her that your love is unconditional. It's important that she know that her family will be there for her 100% throughout her recovery.
  2. Tell your daughter that she is not responsible. Help her understand that rape is a crime of violence, and there is nothing she can do to "bring it upon herself." All responsibility for the crime belongs to her rapist; it was not her fault and she should not feel guilty about it.
  3. Get a professional in sexual victimization available to answer honest questions about this issue. Having your daughter listen to honest answers to good questions will help her gain control and reduce confusion.
  4. Be ready to talk about the assault, but don't force her to. Let your daughter come to you when she's ready. If she expresses a desire to talk about the assault, be prepared to do so. Your daughter can benefit from this if it is her decision to talk. It will help her understand that you support her, and it can help her come to terms with what happened. But don't make her open up before she's ready to talk.
  5. When she is ready to talk, maintain emotional self-control. It is normal for a parent to react strongly when a child has been victimized. But your daughter does not want to upset or disappoint you and if she sees you are upset she may regret talking about the attack. Tell her that you are sad that this happened, but reinforce that she did the right thing to tell you. This presents an opportunity to demonstrate a positive way of dealing with emotions.
    • Do not react violently. It is normal to want to lash out and seek revenge, particularly if the perpetrator's identity is known. Your daughter was the victim of a crime of violence, she will not want to see more violence in your reaction.
  6. If she tells someone else, support that decision. There are many reasons why a child may tell someone other than her parent. It is a good sign that your daughter is telling someone. Most victims do not. Support that communication and be ready to listen when she is ready to talk to you.
  7. Do not judge or punish your daughter. As her parent, it's your job to love and support her unconditionally. Treating her harshly or suggesting that she is in some way at fault will make her feel victimized by the person who is most supposed to support her. Don't even let thoughts of judgment or blame cross your mind.
  8. Reassure her that she is not responsible for the incident. It may be difficult for her to avoid feeling guilty. However, it is important to support her and help her work towards accepting that it was not her fault.
  9. Encourage your daughter to resume her normal way of life. Try not to be overly protective. Let her rights involving school, dating, friends, and household chores remain the same. Her recovery will be more difficult if she is overprotected and oversensitive to normal situations, whereas returning to her old routine can help her recover.
  10. Don't isolate your daughter from her friends. Your daughter and you as a parent have no reason to feel shame. Her true friends will be understanding and supportive. You should encourage her to lean on her friends for support. The more she is surrounded by people who love her unconditionally, the better.
  11. Discuss ways to prevent similar experiences in the future. Talk with your daughter about words and actions that will help her respond appropriately if her peers act in hurtful ways. Discuss ways to stay safe in unfamiliar or potentially dangerous environments. Educate her about approaching police or other authority figures if she ever feels unsafe, and make sure she can feel comfortable in future environments.
  12. Inform your daughter's teachers and counselors that she experienced a traumatic event, should her academics be slipping. Avoid details of what happened to allow your child to maintain some autonomy: the episode is hers to share or not share as she chooses.
  13. Work towards restoring her independence, self-respect, and overall emotional health. A good rule of thumb is to be supportive of healthy behaviors (such as trying to return to normal daily activities, or taking time to rest when emotionally drained), and to gently intervene when you notice unhealthy behaviors (self-harm, prolonged isolation, or engaging in multiple casual relationships over a short period of time).

Dealing with Physical Effects

  1. Help your daughter visit a doctor. Make sure she's physically healthy and that her rapist didn't do any permanent physical damage. Getting her checked out by a doctor immediately is the best way to help her recover physically.
  2. Help your daughter get tested for STDs. You need to know as soon as possible about any diseases she's contracted so that you can get them treated effectively. If any test comes back positive, work with your daughter and her doctor to seek immediate treatment. Many STDs are perfectly curable, but some are not. If she has one of these, help her understand that there are solutions; having an STD will not prevent her from finding love or living a fulfilled life.
  3. Help your daughter take a pregnancy test. If she is pregnant, discuss with her the options. If she doesn't want to keep the baby, consider abortion. If she doesn't want an abortion or if this is against her belief systems, she can still give the baby up for adoption after it's born. If she chooses to keep it, help her with her pregnancy and with parenting after the baby is born. No matter what she chooses to do, make sure to let her know that it's not her fault and that you support her wholeheartedly.
    • Make sure whatever your daughter chooses to do is her choice. You can advise her, but she should ultimately choose what to do. Your job is to help her make an informed decision and, more importantly, to fully support whatever decision she makes.

Tips

  • There are no miracle ways to help your daughter deal with this tragedy. Always let your daughter know you love her no matter what and keep communicating openly and honestly with her.
  • Always be there for her. Never make her feel that you don't love her.

Warnings

  • If your child changes her behavior regarding alcohol or drugs (specifically using either more frequently than normal), also get help immediately!
  • If your daughter has been raped she may experience serious behavior problems such as withdrawal, abnormal sleeping patterns, fearing other people, fearing being alone or fearing being touched. If these patterns happen regularly get help immediately!

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