Help a Friend Who Has Been Raped

Helping a friend through a rape might seem impossibly hard. When a person experiences a traumatic event, it can be easy to imagine the many components and facets to the healing process. With sexual assault and rape being a topic society is uncomfortable talking about, it can be normal to feel lost in how you could help. Helping your friend begins with helping them practically and physically, and then helping them through the mental and emotional aspects of their healing process.

Steps

Dealing With a Rape That Just Happened

1. Encourage them to seek medical attention immediately. Even if your friend does not know if they would like to go to the police or not, it is important that they are seen by a doctor or medical professional to make sure they are okay. Doctors can help address any injuries your friend may have as well as help them with testing or material collection. Your friend should not shower or change clothes prior to going to the doctors even though they may have a strong desire to. Offer to go with your friend for support if they want.
   • Your friend may not be thinking clearly, however, they should be under the care of a doctor just in case they were exposed to any sexually transmitted diseases.
   • If it is possible that your friend could have gotten pregnant during the attack, a doctor can help with a medication to decrease the likelihood of pregnancy and eventually, a pregnancy test.
   • In some situations and in some states, laws may require a doctor to report suspected rape cases to the authorities; which could help keep your friend safe.
   • Doctors will be able to assist with the collection of evidence including any evidence needed by the police if your friend should choose to pursue it themselves.
2. Provide your friend with resources. Your friend may be feeling very alone and very lost. Their world may feel like it has been turned upside down. You can help by giving them some direction and giving them resources they can use if they choose to. Try to offer the resources gently and subtly and have them written down or printed out. That way, if they seem uncomfortable, you can drop the topic and they can refer back to it when they are ready. The following resources may be helpful regardless of when the rape occurred.
   • Provide your friend with the number of your local rape crisis center. You can even call there yourself for more advice and information on how you can help your friend.
   • Find local support groups for survivors of crimes or survivors of rape or sexual assault. It may be very helpful eventually for your friend to be able to talk to others that understand what they are coping1 with.
   • Find local counselors or psychologists that specialize in work with survivors of sexual assault.
   • Offer to be a resource and help them with anything they might need while they heal. This will be especially helpful right after the occurrence, your friend may need someone to check in on a pet, or pick up a few things at the grocery store.
3. Report or help your friend report the perpetrator to the authorities. If your friend is over the age of 16, encourage them to report the attack to the police. Try not to pressure them, and respect their decision whichever path they choose to take. If you friend is under the age of 16, you can still encourage them to report it to their parents or directly to the police. If they are afraid to do so, or can't, you will need to tell an adult as soon as possible.
   • Make sure they understand that reporting does not mean they have to prosecute, but it does give them the opportunity to in the future if they change their mind.
   • Offer to go with your friend as they report it to the authorities. If they don't want to, let them know that you have to for their safety. Your friend may be afraid of retaliation or of threats they received, so you may have to tell someone for them.
   • Understand that under-reporting is a common problem with only 344 out of 1,000 rapes reported to the police.
4. Make sure they are safe. Feeling safe after a rape occurs can feel impossible and may take a long time. Unfortunately, 3 out of 4 rapes are committed by someone the survivor knows or knew. Offer to stay with them or to contact someone they want with them so that they can feel safe.
   • If your friend is living with, or in regular contact with the perpetrator you may need to help them find a safe place to be or to live for awhile.
   • If they are okay and safe in their living situation, make sure they feel safe. They may still benefit from a verbal reminder that they are safe as well, or from having someone to go with them places if it makes them feel more comfortable.

Providing Emotional and Verbal Support

1. Be there for them. The best thing you can do for your friend is to be there and available for them. Show your friend that you care and support them. Make sure they know they are loved and that you are there for anything they might need. When you are talking to them, don't worry about saying all the right things. Know that silence is okay too. Your very presence will be comforting for them.
   • Call to check in on them.
   • Stop by their home for a visit.
   • Try and be available to them if they want to talk or need your help.
2. Listen. It is taking a lot of trust and courage to even tell you about what happened, so if your friend confides in you, listen to them. They may go over and over the assault, replaying it or trying to figure out what they could have done differently. Try to listen without judging your friend as often as they need. Avoid pressing them for details or information. Let your friend control the pace and content of talking about the incident. They will tell you in their own time.
   • Listening is helpful to a survivor whether the rape just occurred or whether it occurred years ago. It may be necessary for a survivor to tell their story to new friends or in new relationships, and listening in this way validates their courage in talking about it and their trust in you.
3. Believe them. Whatever your friend tells you, believe them without questioning. Questioning their story can make it appear like you don't believe them, or worse, that you blame them for it. Let them know that you are with them and will be by their side no matter what.
   • Never question whether or not it was rape.
   • Never question them about what they were wearing.
   • Never question them about why they were where they were or the situation they were in.
4. Be careful with physical comfort. Make sure you are very careful with physical contact. They have been through a traumatic experience of feeling physically violated. This may have changed the way they feel about physical contact from others. They may be extra sensitive to contact or touch because of it. Never touch them without asking first. Any contact, no matter who it is coming from may be unwanted or uncomfortable.
   • If you want to comfort them, ask “Can I hug you?” or “Would a hug help?”
   • You will have a strong urge to physically comfort them or be close to them if they are upset or crying. Keep in mind that it is about what they need.
   • If they are your girlfriend or boyfriend, never try to cheer them up with physical affection.
5. Encourage them to get counseling. In addition to the physical healing your friend will have to go through, there are potentially a lot of mental and emotional issues that they have to cope with as well that can last significantly longer. Finding a therapist or a counselor, especially one who has experience with rape and sexual assault may really help. You can help by working with them to locate one in their area that accepts their insurance or offering to drive them to their appointment. Some things they may struggle with can include:
   • They may feel guilt or shame over the assault, or even blame themselves for what happened.
   • A survivor may experience symptoms of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) including flashbacks, nightmares, mood swings, and difficulty concentrating.
   • They may experience depression.
   • Your friend may struggle with who to tell or how others are reacting to the assault.
   • They may need help identifying, keeping track of, and avoiding their triggers.
6. Remind them that it is not their fault. Self-blame is a common reaction among rape survivors. No matter what they have been told or what society thinks, they did not cause this. If your friend communicates to you they think it is their fault, counter it with a positive statement.
   • If they say, "I shouldn't have been alone with them," just remind your friend that they trusted the person they were with and that trust was violated.
   • If they say, “I shouldn't have had so much to drink,” tell them that drinking or even being drunk is not a sign that it is okay to take advantage of someone.
   • Tell them, “No matter what the circumstances were, this is not your fault.”

Assisting With Their Recovery

1. Let them be in control. Experiencing a sexual assault or rape is a huge loss of control, and your friend needs to be able to feel in control while they are healing. Try not to make decisions for them or take charge, but rather allow them to do it for themselves. Encourage them and then support them with whatever they decide.
   • If the rape did not occur recently, there may still be some situations or things that your friend feels very particular about. It will help their anxiety and sense of self for you to let them control certain aspects of their environment to make sure they are comfortable.
   • Let them control who knows. Your friend confided in you because they trust you, respect that trust and allow them to control who they tell.
   • Let them control what you guys do when you are hanging out together, especially where you go. It is the one way to ensure they are going to be comfortable.
   • Let them decide when they are ready to participate in activities, everything from social activities to support groups or counseling.
2. Focus on it as much as they want to. It is a horrible thing to happen to someone, and they are going to need you for support. One way you can help support them is to make sure they are taking a mental break from it every once and awhile, if they can. Remind them that you are there to listen, but mention that maybe you can help distract them for a little bit. Afterwards, remind them that you are still available to talk if they want to. Talk to them about it as often as you can and as often as they need.
   • For a short distraction, maybe offer to play a card game, watch a movie, or go get coffee or ice cream, if they are comfortable with it.
3. Take care of yourself. In all of the worrying and helping your friend, don't forget about your own health. Hearing about a rape can be very upsetting. Being around someone who is going through a healing process from a traumatic event, can have a profound affect on you as well. Know that you need to take care of yourself so that you are able to help your friend. Try the following:
   • Make sure you are eating and sleeping well. You will need to recharge your batteries in order to keep up with your life and with helping your friend.
   • Make sure you are taking breaks for yourself. Hopefully your friend has others supporting them, so that you all can share in the tasks and take breaks when you need to.
   • If you are feeling emotional, start to notice you are having nightmares, or seem to be having similar symptoms to your friend, seek help from a counselor. You may be experiencing vicarious trauma.
4. Be patient. Recovery from any traumatic experience takes time and can take many years. In this instance your friend went through something very violating. It may take time for them to trust, to be okay with going out, or to “return to normal” again. Give them the space and time they need to rebuild their sense of safety, control and self-worth. If the rape occurred long ago, understand that there are aspects that your friend may still be dealing with. Either way, they will be so grateful to have a friend like you supporting them.

Tips

• Know that everyone responds differently with different emotions and different motivations.
• When speaking to your friend try and avoid using the word “victim” and instead use “survivor.”

Warnings

• If you notice a major change in your friend's behavior, mood, or lifestyle, talk to an authority figure about it. If you are of school age, you can talk to a school counselor or your parents. If you are an adult, you can call a mental health professional or a rape crisis center. They will be able to help you figure out if you should be worried or if it is a normal part of the healing process for your friend.
• If you think your friend may attempt suicide or is thinking about harming themselves, tell someone immediately and get help.

Helpful Links

• The Rape Crisis Center for Children and Adults
• Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network
• Pandora's Project

Related Articles

• Deal With the After Effects of Rape
• Prevent Date Rape
• Prevent a Potential Rape
• Comfort a Friend Who Has Been Sexually Molested
• Support Friends when They Are Down

Sources and Citations

See also

• Heal From Rape and Sexual Assault (Rape Trauma Syndrome)
• Maintain Old Friendships
• Ask Someone if They're Okay
• Bring Food to a Friend in Need
• Comfort Your Friend
• Help and Support a Friend Through Any Hardship
• Be Friends with Someone Who Attempted Suicide
• Maintain a Friendship
• Help Your Daughter Deal With Being Raped
• Help a Friend Quit Doing Drugs

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