Help Your Daughter Get Over a Bad Breakup

Breaking up is hard at any age, but for teenagers it can be even harder. To make things even worse, most teenage breakups are played out in public (i.e. around other peers in school or outside of school, social media) and may involve gossip, rumors, and lies. As the loving parent of a teenage daughter, you probably want to help her get over her heartache. Talk to her and allow her to express her feelings without judgment. Provide emotional support in the coming weeks by encouraging her to get out of the house and giving her hope for the future. If there are any special circumstances, such as depression or abuse, seek help from the proper resources.

Steps

Letting Your Daughter Talk

1. Listen without giving advice initially. When your daughter is first reeling from a bad breakup, advice will be the last thing she wants. You need to give your daughter space to vent and share her feelings. Telling her what to do or how to feel will discourage her from opening up to you.
   • As your daughter talks, refrain from searching for the right thing to say. Sometimes, there is no right thing to say in these situations. Focus more on listening than planning your response in your head.
   • To keep the conversation going, repeat your daughter's feelings back to her or ask for clarification instead of offering insight. For example, "So you feel blindsided because your boyfriend broke up with you completely out of nowhere?"
2. Avoid minimizing your daughter's feelings. Most people go through bad breakups at some point in their lives and get over them; however, saying as much to your daughter when she's upset is a bad move. Your daughter may feel you're dismissing how she feels. Allow her to feel her emotions, even if they seem over-the-top or very intense.
   • Simply continue to listen to your daughter and allow her to share what she's feeling. Do not try to force her to feel better.
   • You may be inclined to say something like, "You'll feel better a year from now." While this very well may be true, it does not help your daughter in the moment. You want to make sure your daughter knows you're here now and care now. Later, when she's calmed down some, you can offer some perspective.
3. Allow your daughter to cry. Do not ever tell your daughter not to cry, or dismiss tears. Crying helps people process emotions and can be very cathartic, especially after a bad breakup. Encourage your daughter to cry if she needs to. Say something like, "It's okay if you need to cry. I won't judge you."
4. Strive to remain neutral. Even if you disliked your daughter's boyfriend or girlfriend, refrain from saying so. If your daughter is still a teenager, relationships can be unpredictable. Your daughter may get back together with this person. She also may have lingering feelings for him or her. Therefore, refrain from passing judgment. Even if your daughter's significant other treated her poorly, do not take sides at the moment. It may backfire.
   • You want your daughter to feel comfortable talking to you about romantic relationships, especially when she's very young. If you bash her ex, only to have them get back together, she will not come to you if there are problems in the future.
   • If your daughter says something negative about her ex, do not respond with negativity in return. Instead, say something like, "It's normal to feel angry after breakups."

Providing Support

1. Let your daughter know you're open for more conversation. Keeping things open is vital as time goes on. After the initial breakup, and your first talk about it, tell your daughter you're always there to listen. Your daughter will probably need to talk quite a bit in the ensuing months, so say something like, "If you ever need to talk about this more, just ask."
2. Talk about your own romantic history. After your daughter has had some time to grieve, she may want some perspective on the situation. At this point, you can tell her a bit about your own romantic history. This can help her see breakups are normal and people do get through them.
   • Try to find a story where you went through something similar. Almost everyone has very rough breakups in their emotional history, so feel free to share yours with your teen.
   • This will also increase the sense of intimacy between you and your teenager. Having a close, intimate bond can help your relationship stay strong through future hardships.
3. Give her hope for the future. Once your daughter has calmed down enough to see perspective, give her some hope. Remind her things do get better with time. Do so in a way that does not negate how she is feeling now, however,
   • Do not say something like, "I went through the same thing when I was your age and I don't even think about it anymore. You're going to be fine."
   • Instead, acknowledge what she's feeling and still give her hope. For example, "I know it hurts a lot right now, but remember that's not forever. I went through something similar, but there are better relationships out there for you."
4. Encourage your teen to keep up with activities. Your daughter may want to lock herself in her room for a few days. It's normal to want to be alone after a bad breakup; however, do not allow her to wallow for too long. Remaining preoccupied with the relationship and breakup may develop into larger issues down the road, like depression. Gently encourage her to keep up with regular activities and continue seeing her friends. This will help her heal.
   • You may want to let your daughter sit out of her normal extracurricular activities at first, but make sure she returns to her usual sports, clubs, and hobbies. Staying busy will help prevent her from having obsessive thoughts about the relationship and help show her that life goes on.
   • You can try to offer to have her friends over. Making your home hospitable to your daughter's friends may encourage her to be social.
   • Help her stay engaged in hobbies and activities. If she likes to sew, consider buying her some new fabric or helping her start a new project. If she loves the outdoors, schedule a family hike.

Dealing with Specific Circumstances

1. Watch for warning signs your teen needs additional help. It's normal to be sad after a breakup, and it is not unusual for teens to experience severe depression after the end of even short-term romantic relationships. Watch for signs that your daughter's reaction is abnormal or prolonged. She may need help from a counselor.
   • If your daughter is still extremely sad after a few weeks, she may need help from a therapist. If she's lost interest in activities, still cries a lot, and continues to isolate herself, get her help from a therapist.
   • You should also seek counseling if your daughter engages in behavior like self-harm or drug and alcohol abuse after a bad breakup.
2. Offer guidance for behavior online. In the age of the internet, many teens will vent about their ex online. If you find out your daughter has been posting about her ex, especially posting very embarrassing things about him or her, have a frank talk with her about appropriate online behavior.
   • Advise your daughter to go easy on her online updates. Remind her sharing personal information online could affect her in the future. You could tell her she may want to take a technology timeout until she's calmed down.
   • Remind her that badmouthing her ex may reflect poorly on her. Encourage her to open up to close friends and family members rather than going overboard online.
3. Keep your own emotions in check. When your child is hurt, it's normal to feel sad yourself. No one likes to see their child experience pain and heartbreak; however, try to keep your own emotions under control when talking to your daughter. You want to make sure you do not end up worrying her in the process of trying to help.
   • If you need to talk to someone, discuss your emotions with your spouse or a close friend. Venting to others can help you keep your feelings in check, allowing you to be strong for your daughter.
4. Seek out support if your teen was in an abusive relationship. If a relationship was abusive, physically or emotionally, your daughter may need therapy to recover. Crisis centers and teen help lines can help your daughter deal with abuse. You should also find a regular therapist for your daughter. Regular therapy sessions can help your daughter work through the emotions surrounding an abusive relationship.
   • If you need help right away, try calling the National Domestic Abuse hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
   • You can also call the hotline for LoveIsRespect.org, which focuses on teens in abusive relationships. The number is 1-866-331-9474.

Tips

• Make sure she knows you care. This is a very sensitive topic, so show care and understanding at all times.
• Make her talk to some people who have gone through this stage. Let her know that she is not the only person who has gone through tough times.

Warnings

• Don't pry. If you know that you daughter is uncomfortable talking to you about this, back off a little. She may open up when she's ready.

Related Articles

• Get Over a Break Up
• Break Up with Someone Using Style and Sensitivity
• Get a Girlfriend

Sources and Citations

See also

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• Tell a Girl You Like Her Without Getting Rejected
• Be a Good Parent for Your Teenage Daughter
• Tell if Your Teen Is Cutting
• Heal a Broken Heart

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