Hide What You Feel

When it comes to your emotions, most experts say expressing them is healthy and necessary.[1] However, there are also times when keeping your feelings under wraps is best. It might be that you have romantic feelings for someone, but don't want to risk ruining your friendship. Or it could be that you have feelings for someone who is married or otherwise taken. Maybe your feelings don't involve romance at all, but jealousy, anger, or sadness and you feel it is wise to conceal these feelings for whatever reason. While it is not healthy as a long-term strategy or in situations with those you are closest to, there are several strategies that can help you hide your feelings in situations where that is best for you and for others.

Steps

Understanding Your Feelings

  1. Determine who you are trying to hide your feelings from. Are you hiding them from just one friend? Other friends? Both? Everyone? This is going to determine how you proceed and to what degree you must hide your feelings.
    • Hiding your feelings from everyone works only if the feelings are temporary and not likely to affect other aspects of your life. For instance, if you are angry at your parents for grounding you, but you know that you will get over it soon, you can choose to ignore and hide those feelings from everyone. But if you are angry at your parents for abusing you, this is not something you are likely to overcome without telling someone in authority, discussing it with friends, and eventually confronting your parents about it (when you are older, assuming you want to maintain a relationship with them).
    • It is often helpful if you have a trusted friend you can confide in. This person may be able to help you sort through your complex emotions and understand your options. Someone who has no connection to the person you have feelings for is ideal.
  2. Understand that some feelings should not be contained. Sometimes, the healthiest choice for you is to express your feelings and deal with the fallout. Often, containing the way you feel causes those feelings to grow instead of recede, and eventually you have to let them out.
    • Tell your friend if you have romantic feelings for them, if those feelings are making it difficult for you to be a good and supportive friend. Your friend has the right to know and if you have a strong enough friendship, you can work through the way you are feeling together.
    • Most often, feelings of hurt or betrayal at the hands of someone you love should be dealt with. If someone has caused you pain, you deserve to let them know and give them the chance to make it right. If they care about you, they would want to know that you are hurting. If they don't care about you, then you deserve to know that, too, so that you can move on with your life.
  3. Know when your feelings are a warning sign of something deeper. Containing or hiding your feelings is not the best answer if your feelings are an indication that you need to seek help. In those rare cases, it's important to recognize that your feelings are a symptom of something else.
    • If you have an urge to hurt yourself or others, seek help immediately. Self-harm and/or violent tendencies can signal underlying disorders and you don't have to live like that! If you're in the United States, call 911 or the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or search online for your country's resources.
    • If your feelings are inappropriate or illegal-- for example, sexual feelings for minors or an overwhelming urge to use illegal drugs-- please seek help from a licensed counselor or psychologist. There are treatment plans available for you. If you don't have a mental health care provider, your general practitioner can give you a recommendation.
    • If you have ongoing feelings of despair, sadness, or like life does not have the same meaning it used to have, you may be experiencing depression. Seek help from a licensed mental health care provider, who can help you with a personalized treatment plan. Ask your general practitioner for a recommendation.

Hiding Feelings From Someone You Have Feelings For

  1. Avoid one-on-one time. It's easy to become lost in your own little world with someone that you have feelings for, but if you're trying to hide your feelings, it's best if you avoid spending time alone together where situations are more likely to make it hard to hide how you feel.
    • Spending time alone will only cause your feelings to grow and create more opportunities for you to accidentally give yourself away-- a hug that lingers too long, a brush of the hands that leads to hand-holding, or a gaze into his or her eyes that says more than you meant to say. Keeping other friends nearby can give you a way to avoid those tempting scenarios and also keep your affection from growing.
    • If you typically spend time alone with this person, avoid setting off any alarm bells in their mind by gradually shifting to more group-oriented get togethers. For example, if you usually grab drinks after work together, arrange beforehand for another mutual friend to meet up with the you at a particular location. That way, when the object of your feelings asks if you want to grab a drink, you can say that you already have plans but he or she is welcome to join.
  2. Act normal. Don't try to impress them or show off too much for them. It shows that you're looking for attention and most people will figure out why.
    • Similarly, don't go out of your way to run errands or do favors for your friend. It might be easy to go overboard with helpful favors since you really like this person and care for his or her well-being, but it will be obvious that your feelings are not what they were before if you start acting in new ways.
  3. See them in a new light. Try to notice their flaws or things about them that you don't find attractive or sexy. We often tend to elevate people we like to a superhuman status and forget that they have flaws and failures just like everyone else.
    • Try to think of them as a sibling. If a relationship with this person is just not possible (for instance, you're gay and they are not, or they are married), the best thing you can do is re-frame how you view the person so that he or she is off-limits to you, too, instead of just the other way around.
  4. Avoid them if you must. If the feelings have gotten too strong and you feel you can't hide them any longer, you may have to reduce the amount of time you spend with them or cut out your relationship altogether.
    • For example, if your friend is married or in a serious relationship, and you cannot stop thinking about them romantically and you are afraid you are going to try to act on your feelings, it might be better for both of you to lose a friendship than for your friend to lose their marriage.

Hiding Feelings From Others

  1. Watch what you say. Be quick on your feet to respond, especially if you are nervous as your other friends will tell everyone if you admit your feelings.
    • Be ready to change the subject or divert the focus from you if the sensitive topic arises. When questioned about your feelings you have to have a determined-sounding response and fire back your response without too much (or too little) delay.
    • One of the biggest tell-tale signs of someone who is hiding their feelings is that they become uncharacteristically quiet or standoffish. If you want to hide your feelings, you have to hide the fact that you're hiding them as well! So be sure to try not to come across as overly quiet.[1]
  2. Lie if you must. If they ask you directly, and you still don't want to admit, you're going to have to consciousness look them in the eye and lie. Make your response simple and to the point.
    • Many people believe that making eye contact is a sign that the speaker is telling the truth so this along with your brief responses will help to keep your feelings secret.
  3. Avoid them. If you are overcome with anger or sadness and those feelings intensify in the presence of others, you may have to take some time out and avoid the people who stir those feelings in you.
    • In many cases, time will help alleviate some of your emotions, and you will be able to resume your relationship once things have cooled down.
    • In some cases, such as instances of extreme betrayal or abuse, it might be better to eliminate that relationship altogether.

Dealing with Feelings in Healthy Ways

  1. Avoid coping mechanisms. If you decide to conceal your feelings, you might be tempted to turn to common but unhealthy coping mechanisms, but doing so just makes the problem worse.
    • Avoid drugs or alcohol. Many people who are sad or experiencing unrequited love turn to alcohol or drugs to cope with the pain, but doing so tends to make the sadness even worse when soberness returns, and can lead to problems with addiction and health consequences.
    • Watch out for the sugar trap. Many people cope with sadness or feelings of rejection by eating, particularly carb- and sugar-heavy foods like ice cream and chocolate. But the body responds to sugar and carbs by creating a fake emotional "high" that quickly plummets into a sugar crash that is even worse than the way you felt before you ate the sugar. Don’t fall into that trap![2]
    • Don't turn to empty relationships and sex. Especially if your feelings are related to unexpressed love or feelings of rejection from a romantic partner, you might be tempted to turn to casual sex and empty relationships to fill that void. But these relationships will not fill your craving for affection and intimacy. Give yourself time to grieve your lost love and then give it time. You will find someone to fill the emotional needs you have as well as the physical ones.
  2. Choose healthy outlets for your emotions. Instead of unhealthy coping mechanisms, look for healthy ways to express your feelings.
    • Try exercise. Focusing your anger or disappointment on physical fitness can be a great way to distract yourself. Consider high intensity exercise like boxing, weightlifting, or circuit training. Just be sure you don't take it too far and exercise without resting or without taking proper precautions to protect your body from injuries.
    • Learn a new art form. Expressing yourself through creativity can help to get some of your emotions out in safe, healthy ways. Try painting, writing music, writing short stories or poetry, or a craft like sewing or woodworking. Even if the art is unrelated to your particular feelings that you're hiding, it can be a way to take your mind off of things and focus your energy on something productive.
  3. Express your emotions in appropriate ways. You may have been fearful to express your emotions for fear that the confrontation would get out of control. It's important to develop and practice healthy ways of expressing yourself so that you can be in control of your interactions with others.
    • Feelings of anger should not automatically result in shouting fests. In fact, yelling when you're angry often makes it hard to communicate what it is that has you upset, and also makes it more likely that the person you're yelling at will tune you out and not listen. Instead, let anger lead you to be more assertive and brave in your confrontations without letting it get the better of you. Use your anger to guide you toward rational conversations that can help solve the problem rather than creating new ones.[2]
    • Express your sadness without fearing that you shouldn't. Some people have been raised to think that it's childish or inappropriate to cry or mourn a loss, especially for men, but actually letting yourself feel sadness when sad things happen is an important sign of maturity. It's ok to feel sad and let yourself experience that feeling by crying.[2]
    • Expressing your feelings can help you avoid negative health consequences of holding them in, such as hypertension, depression, and weight gain.[2]
    • Check out this helpful wikiHow article for more advice about healthy ways to express your emotions.

Tips

  • Keep a private journal. That way, you can express the words you want to say without anyone hearing. Just be careful to keep it in a secure location, or write it in code (for example, you could replace the name of your beloved with another name).

Warnings

  • Avoid the temptation to express your hidden feelings on social media such as Facebook or Twitter. Those posts will inevitably be seen by or forwarded to the person you are hiding your feelings from!

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201109/why-we-hide-emotional-pain
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 http://www.alive.com/health/hiding-our-feelings-can-impact-our-health-and-longevity/

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