Interact With the Children of a New Partner
When starting a relationship with a new partner who has had children with a previous partner it can be an emotive and difficult period. This article provides advice on how to do this sensitively to minimise emotional disturbance to your partner's children. This is written from a male perspective and contribution is encouraged from all but especially from a female viewpoint.
Steps
- Honestly question your commitment and understand the implications of your decisions. It goes without saying that you should always treat your partner with respect. This is of even greater importance if that partner has children. Using a partner for a 'fling' especially if they have children can be incredibly damaging and could potentially worsen any abandonment issues that family may already be suffering from. Humans are not perfect and we cannot predict the future, we make mistakes but at the very least you should have an honest discussion with yourself before entering a family situation with a new partner about your motivation. It is not enough to say I will 'put up' with the children to be with my partner. This situation will make you, your partner and your partner's children miserable in the long run. If you are fully entering this relationship then you need to be prepared to become part of the fabric of that family. In the case where two families is involved, that is both of you have children, that now blend, it will make a "new fabric".
- Introduce yourself gradually. Suddenly appearing 24/7 in a child's life is a massive change for them to adjust to and is unfair. You need to enter their life gently and through events or situations that are on 'neutral' ground i.e: Not in your partner's home. In the first instance something like a cinema or zoo trip would be a good idea as there are other distractions for you, your partner and their children which will diffuse some of the intensity of the situation. Gradually build up the amount of time that you spend with the children allowing them to get to know you and you to get to know them.
- Be honest about who you are. Pretending you are an old school friend or work colleague rather than your partner's new boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad way to approach the situation. Despite any good intentions that you may have, once that 'white lie' is revealed your relationship with those children sets off on a false premise and may breed suspicion.
- Blend into the family's way of life. Coming into a family home and laying down new rules right from the off has the potential to cause resentment. Be sensitive, this was a fully working family before you came onto the scene and you need to respect that. There is no reason why over time you cannot suggest different ways of doing things or things that you would like to see happen but it needs to be handled sensitively and with consensus of the children and your partner. Don't make mountains out of molehills, if they stack the dishwasher differently to the way you do it, there really is no point in creating a situation between you and the children over something so trivial.
- Give them space. Before your arrival the children would have unrestricted access to your partner. It is vital that the children still have this quality time with their biological parent. Make sure that you maintain opportunities for the children to speak to their Mother or Father without you being present. Go for a walk or see a friend for a couple of hours to allow them this space.
- Be prepared to roll with the punches. As a new partner there will be occasional resentment and jealousy from the children however hard you work to avoid this. "You are not my Father, you can't tell me what to do" is a common one. Don't give up working on your relationship as a consequence of these remarks, you are in this for the long run!
- While the children are at school or otherwise away, discuss rules, discipline and conflicts with them with your partner. You should let the biological parent have the final say in these discussions and back her (him) up on it. Present a united front on all rules and discipline methods. If grounding is the penalty for mouthing off, make sure both of you agree on that. This causes the least stress for the kids. They will test your boundaries but if the rules don't change when they're with you or Mom, they will feel a lot more secure in life. When they ask permission for something, always ask "did you talk to your mother?" and check with her about it. Kids will try to pick which parent to get a permission from whether you're the step dad or their biological dad. Good communication solves a host of problems.
- Avoid overcompensation. Trying to be your partner's super cool new boyfriend or girlfriend will eventually exhaust you and probably cripple you financially. It is not feasible to always be the fun, super hip person in the family! Be yourself, the children want to know you not a fake superhero/heroine character you have created.
- Do not snipe at 'the other' biological parent. If they are a total deadbeat, it is not your place to say so! The children should be free to talk about their biological Father or Mother without derogatory comments from yourself. This is the case even if your partner tries to goad you into joining a 'slating' session. The children will not respect you for it and you will place them in a position where you will make them feel anxious.
- Let the children decide how you fit into their lives. Do not try to be a replacement for their other biological parent! The best relationship you can have and that the children can have is one that has developed organically rather than something that has been forced onto them.
