Know if You're Adopted or Not

Adoption is very common in many countries and some families have chosen not to openly discuss the arrangement with their adopted children. You may have some suspicions that you were adopted, and there are some things you can do to investigate those questions. If you can, though, asking your family is the best idea. This can be tricky, though: How do you bring up the question without sounding accusatory or hurting their feelings? Will it make them angry? There is no way to predict just how your family will react when you bring up the topic of adoption, but expressing your loyalty and love to them and using clear, non-accusatory communication can help smooth the process.

Steps

Talking About Adoption With Your Family

1. Understand that your feelings are normal. Wanting to know your origins isn’t a sign of disloyalty to your family, whether they’re your birth family or adoptive. It is very common for adoptees to want to understand their personal histories, and research suggests that this knowledge can improve a person’s well-being.
2. Explore why this has become an important issue for you. Has some particular event or experience prompted to you ask these questions? Have you always felt a little different from the rest of your family?
   • It’s natural as you grow up to feel somewhat disconnected from your parents, or to feel sometimes as though you have nothing in common with them. It’s also common to feel like you are different or an outsider during adolescence. While these feelings may be stronger for adoptive children, almost everyone experiences them at some point.
3. Ask yourself some questions about what you want. Do you want simply to know whether or not you were adopted? Do you want the story of how you came to be adopted? Do you want to search for your biological parents? Do you want to contact your biological relatives, or do you just want to know who they are? Understanding what you want from the situation will help you as you talk with your family.
4. Understand that adoption is often still stigmatized. While the number of “open” adoptions (adoptions with some level of contact between the biological and adoptive families) has risen dramatically over the past few years, many people still feel uncomfortable talking about adoption with their children or with other adults. Even if your family wants to talk to you about this issue, they may not know how.
   • Stigma is particularly likely if the adoption occurred under certain circumstances, such as a teenaged mother giving up her child for adoption or an intra-family adoption.
5. Approach your parents with your questions. This is an obvious step, but it can be very difficult. Keep your parents’ feelings in mind as you ask questions, but be open with them about your feelings too.
   • It’s probably a good idea to approach your parents first, if they are still living, rather than going to other family members. Many family members may wish to respect your parents’ wishes and could feel uncomfortable sharing information with you if you haven’t talked with your parents first.
6. Choose an appropriate time for your conversation. Once you’ve gathered your information, you may feel overwhelmed by the need to ask your questions, but wait for an appropriate time. Avoid bringing up this sensitive topic after a fight, for example, or when someone is sick or tired. Ideally, everyone should feel calm and relaxed.
7. Create a “cheat sheet.” Adoption is a very sensitive subject and is likely to provoke emotional responses in everyone. Writing down some of your questions and ideas beforehand will help you determine what you want to say and how you want to say it, and it can help you avoid hurting anyone’s feelings.
8. Begin by telling your family that you love them but you have some questions. Some parents don’t discuss adoption with their child because they are afraid that their interest in their biological family will damage the family. Opening by affirming your love for your parents will help prevent them from feeling defensive or attacked.
9. Be honest with your family. Explain to your parents what has led you to think that you may be adopted. Try to avoid using accusations or definitive statements such as “I know I’m adopted because my eyes are blue.”
10. Start with general questions. Understand that this discussion may be very difficult for your parents, especially if they have waited a long time to share this information with you. Pressing for too much information too quickly could overwhelm them.
    • Try asking questions that prompt discussion, such as “What can you tell me about where I come from?”
11. Keep your questions and statements open-ended and non-judgmental. A question such as “Would you like to talk with me about where I come from?” may meet with a better reaction than “Why didn’t you tell me I was adopted?”
    • Try to avoid using words like “real” when asking about your origins. Questions such as “Who were my real parents?” can make your adoptive parents feel devalued or hurt.
12. Avoid judgment as much as possible. It’s natural to feel confused or even hurt about discovering you were adopted, particularly if your parents have kept that information from you for a long time. However, it’s important that you avoid being judgmental or angry with them, as this will only hinder clear and honest communication between you.
13. Reiterate your connection with your adoptive family. You don’t have to constantly reassure your family that you appreciate them, but offering an example or two of something that makes you feel connected to them can help let your family know that you aren’t looking to replace them.
    • Many adoptees say that they feel that their personal values, sense of humor, and goals were shaped by their adoptive parents, so these could be a good place to start.
14. Read the situation. The adoption conversation can be a very hard conversation to have, and you may not learn everything you want to know immediately. If your parents are visibly uncomfortable or become upset, try saying something like “I can see that this question may have upset you. Would you prefer to talk about this later?”
    • Don’t assume that silence means that your family doesn’t want to talk about your adoption. They may just need a few minutes to figure out how to approach the subject.
15. Be patient. If your family kept information about your adoption from you, even for just a few years, it may be very difficult for them to overcome their fear and anxiety about discussing it. It may take several talks before you reach a point where you can learn what you want to know.
16. Consider seeing a family therapist. Many therapists are specifically trained to help adoptive families overcome issues and challenges unique to adoption situations, and seeing one doesn’t mean your family is broken. A family therapist may be able to help your family talk about adoption in a helpful, healthy way.
17. Talk with other family members. You can ask other people in your family about your adoption and your connection with them using similar techniques to those above. You may even discover a deeper emotional connection with them now that they know you know your whole story.

Investigating On Your Own

1. Study genetic traits and recessive and dominant genes. Your genetic makeup determines many aspects of your appearance, such as hair color and texture, eye color, freckles, height, and build. Discuss any obvious disparity with your parents.
   • Consider that intra-family adoptions may mean you have physical traits in common with other family members. You may have been adopted from another family member such as an aunt or cousin who couldn't care for you.
   • Your genetic traits will also help to determine your risk for certain diseases and medical conditions, although your environment (health care, diet, fitness, etc.) also has a significant effect. Knowing your personal history will help you and your doctor make informed healthcare choices.
   • While “race” is not considered a biological construct by most scientists, people with similar genetic backgrounds often share similar risk rates for developing medical conditions. For example, individuals of African and Mediterranean descent are at higher risk of developing sickle-cell disease than others, and individuals of European descent are much more likely to develop cystic fibrosis than those of Asian descent. It can be useful to know whether you should exercise particular care to lessen any potential risk factors you may have.
2. Understand common myths about genetic traits. While your genes do determine many things about you, from your hair color to your blood type, there are many widely held misconceptions about how genetics determine your physical appearance. Understanding these misconceptions will help you draw more accurate conclusions about yourself.
   • Eye color is not determined by a single gene, and there are approximately nine categories of eye color. Two blue-eyed parents can have a brown-eyed child, and vice versa (although brown-eyed babies born to blue-eyed parents is not common, simply possible).Eye color can also change, especially in infants: many babies are born blue-eyed but develop different eye colors as they age, so any judgments made based on eye color are very unreliable if made before a child's eye color has developed.
   • “Attached” vs. “free” earlobes are actually two places on a much larger continuum. While there is some family influence on earlobe type, it is not a reliable marker of genetic inheritance.
   • The ability to “roll” your tongue is linked to genetic inheritance, but can vary widely even within families. Even some twins have different tongue-rolling capacities! It is not a reliable marker of genetic inheritance.
   • Left-handedness tends to run in families, but it isn’t a certainty. In fact, even some identical twins can have different dominant hands! Which hand is your dominant hand is likely affected by a variety of genes and your environment, rather than a single gene.
3. Pay attention to conversations taking place within your extended family. While snooping or prying is probably a bad idea, you may learn something about your origins by listening to how your extended family talks about things such as your childhood.
4. Look through family records and photos. If you have a hunch that you may have been adopted, look through family photo albums and documents to see what pictures exist of you and when they may have been taken. Documents related to your medical history may also contain clues.
5. Research your birth records. If you have a good idea where you were born, you can write to the appropriate agency to request a copy of your birth certificate. Many places also keep public adoption registries that you can search.
   • The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention maintains a database of vital records agencies in all American states and territories; if you were born outside of the United States you will need to look for an office of “vital records” or something similar.
   • All states keep records of births, deaths, and marriages that occur in their state. They may be held by the Secretary of State’s office or the Department of Health in your state. Many online databases also hold these records, although they may charge a fee.
6. Realize that public records research can be frustrating and incomplete. The information you find is only as good as the information you start with. If you've been given the wrong birth parent name, wrong city, etc. you could be in for a very long and difficult process. Errors happen with data.

Getting Outside Help

1. Talk to friends who are adopted. Chances are, you know someone who was adopted. Talking with them can help you understand how they learned they were adopted and what they did afterward. Friends may also be able to offer you advice on how to bring your questions to your family.
2. Contact family friends or neighbors. Thanks to social media, it is now very easy to get in touch with people from your past even if you can’t visit your childhood home in person. Understand, though, that people may not feel comfortable discussing their knowledge of your family with you. Explain to them why you want to know, but don’t press them for information if they seem reluctant.
3. Join an adoption support group in your area. Many people go through the process of discovering that they’re adopted and dealing with that information every year. A support group of other adoptees may be able to offer you advice and resources for your own search, as well as help you handle the process emotionally.
4. Have a DNA test done. Use DNA Tests to Trace Your Family Tree can track your genetic markers and compare them to those of other family members. You can visit a genetic specialist, or you can use a mail-order test like the “Family Finder” test. For this option, though, you will need to get another close relative (a parent, sibling, or first cousin) to agree to have a test done so that you have a point of comparison.
   • If you buy a DNA test online, go with a reputable provider. The three biggest providers of online DNA testing are Ancestry.com, 23 and me, and FamilyTreeDNA. These companies also often maintain large databases of other individuals who have had these tests and can compare your DNA to theirs.
5. Understand how DNA testing works. A DNA test can offer you clues to your genetic identity, but it is often limited in its effectiveness without a large pool for comparison. If you are having a DNA test done without the participation of another family member, your information may be less useful.
   • There are 3 basic kinds of DNA tests: mitochondrial (inherited maternal DNA), Y-line (inherited paternal DNA, but only works for males), and autosomal (inherited relations to others such as cousins). Autosomal DNA tests may be the best option for adoptees, as they can connect your genetics to a wider network of people.
   • A DNA test can verify whether or not you are biologically related to your immediate family, usually through mitochondrial DNA. However, it is less likely to be able to connect you to another family if your genetics don’t match your own family’s.
6. Register with a reputable adoption reunion registry. The International Soundex Reunion Registry and Adoption.com are both considered reputable, reliable registries for individuals who are seeking to reunite with their biological families.
7. Contact a private investigator who specializes in adoption cases. This option can be very expensive, so it is usually reserved for once you know you've been adopted but can't locate your birth parents or information about them. Look for an investigator in your hometown as they are probably familiar with the town's record archives.

Tips

• Talk with your family while they are still around to talk with you. As people get older and pass away, their stories and knowledge may leave with them. Make those family connections while you can.
• Avoid expressing anger or accusation toward your adoptive family. While these feelings are natural, they get in the way of helpful communication. A therapist or counselor may be able to help you process and express your feelings in a healthy way.
• Laws vary regarding contact between adopted children and their biological parents. Understand your rights and any legal restrictions regarding searching for your biological family.
• Try to put together a list of facial features or, take pictures of your family or look at pictures of them from the past while also looking at your picture.

Warnings

• Avoid trying to contact your biological family without researching the conditions of your adoption (if you can find them). Sometimes, biological mothers ask for a “no-contact” clause in adoption contracts, and violating this could cause emotional or personal harm to her and/or to you.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Start the Adoption Process
• Become an Adoption Consultant
• Avoid Getting an Abortion
• Find Your Genetic Parents if You Were Adopted
• Adopt a Baby from China
• Put a Child up for Adoption
• Adopt a Child
• Do a Private Adoption
• Adopt a Child if You Are Gay
• Become a Foster Parent

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