Make Portal Cake

We've all been there. You're playing Portal for the first time, braving frustration, confusion, and turrets, all for hopes of receiving cake at the end of your journey. You are crushed to discover that the graffiti on the walls was right... the cake is a lie. You've seen it and heard plenty about it, but alas, never had an opportunity to eat such a delicacy.

Thankfully, Portal cake is not as much of a lie as you thought. Its appearance is based on a real kind of cake called black forest cake and the cake itself is mostly chocolate. The recipe contains most of the ingredients rattled off by the blue personality core (with the exception of everything fish-shaped, all types of rhubarb, and anything else with a potential to be disgusting and/or lethal), and is guaranteed to be rich, delicious, and the perfect dessert for any Portal lover.

Ingredients

  • 1 (18 1/4 ounce/517g) package chocolate cake mix
  • 2 (12 ounce/340g) cans vanilla frosting
  • 1 (12 ounce/340g) can coconut pecan frosting
  • 3/4 cup (180 ml) vegetable oil
  • 7 egg whites
  • 3/4 cup (170g) butter or 3/4 cup margarine, melted
  • 2/3 cup (135g) granulated sugar
  • 1 teaspoon vanilla extract
  • 2 cups (250g) all-purpose flour
  • 2/3 cup (60g) cocoa powder
  • 1/4 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon baking powder
  • 1/3 cup (80 ml) water
  • 8 maraschino cherries
  • Semi-sweet chocolate chips

Steps

  1. The night before you make the cake, mix 2/3 cup of Buy Cocoa Powder with 18 ounces of vanilla frosting. Refrigerate overnight. Save the rest of the vanilla frosting to be used later.
  2. Before you make the cake, set the cocoa powder icing, cherries, and chocolate chips to the side. These will not be used until the cake is completely finished.
  3. Preheat the oven to 375ºF/190.5ºC. Lightly butter two 9-inch (22.8cm) cake pans.
  4. Set out two mixing bowls. In one, combine all remaining dry ingredients, and in the other (the larger one, if they aren't the same size), combine all remaining liquid ingredients. Mix both bowls thoroughly.
  5. Carefully sift the dry ingredients into the bowl of liquid ingredients and stir until it is evenly mixed.
  6. Pour half of the batter into one cake pan, and the other half into the other. Put both pans in the oven, and let them cook for at least half an hour, or until a knife or skewer inserted into the middle of both cakes can be removed cleanly.
  7. When the cakes are done, remove them from the oven and let them cool for at least an hour.
  8. Remove one cake from its pan and set it on a plate, flat side up, and cover that flat side with coconut pecan frosting. Then, place the other cake (flat side down) on top. The icing should effectively "glue" the two halves together.
  9. Frost the entire cake with the cocoa powder frosting. It will be very stiff, so be warned that this can take some time and effort. To make the process easier (and reduce the risk of accidentally destroying the cake), you can either melt the icing slightly or mix it with a little bit of water to make it easier to work with.
  10. Coat the entire cake with chocolate chips by pressing them gently into the frosting to get them to stay.
  11. Using the remaining vanilla frosting, dollop 8 evenly spaced circles around the top of the cake.
  12. Place a maraschino cherry on top of each dollop.
  13. Admire your finished cake, cut, and serve. This cake is very rich, so cut it into very small slices. Enjoy!
  14. Finished.

Tips

  • Chocolate chips, while tasty, don't perfectly mimic the texture of the Portal cake seen in the game. If you don't like the look of this cake, try chocolate sprinkles, shaved chocolate, or anything else you can come up with, like chopped almonds.
  • If you don't like coconut pecan frosting, you can substitute any other kind of frosting. Since it will be in the middle of the cake and covered by another layer of icing, it doesn't matter what color or flavor it is.
  • You can substitute anything red and circular for the maraschino cherries, if you so desire. Strawberries and large red candies will work just as well.
  • This cake can easily be made for those who do not consume dairy by using dairy-free frosting and cake mix.
  • If this is for a birthday (or you are a stickler for authenticity), add a single white birthday candle to the middle of the cake before serving.

Warnings

  • This cake is very rich. Cut into small pieces and eat carefully, as eating too much will make people sick to their stomachs.

Things You'll Need

  • Two 9-inch (22.8cm) cake pans
  • Measuring cups and spoons
  • Two mixing bowls
  • One white candle (optional)

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