Make Someone Text You Back
Staring at your cell phone, you sent a text message to your friend twenty minutes ago and still don't have a response. A cute new person you're talking to hasn't responded to your flirtatious emoji in over an hour. Your mom hasn't contacted you for a week since you texted her about a cousin's wedding. In situations like these, there are a number of ways to solve our problem.
Contents
Steps
Creating the Ideal Text
- Consider who you're texting. Depending on what your relationship with this person is, there are going to be different boundaries based on social hierarchy, family ties, gender and cultural norms, etc. Are you close with this person, or are they relatively new to your life? Determine the nature of your relationship with them and you already have the foundation of healthy communication.
- Amongst close friends and family there is often more space for being vulgar and less consequences for being awkward. However if we're texting potential lovers, coworkers, business partners, or anyone with whom we have a formal relationship, different rules of appropriateness apply. Keep this in mind when phrasing your text.
- Figure out what you want to say. Starting strong, and composing a meaningful message can help you avoid this problem in the first place. Many people lead busy lives and choose not to respond to texts that are vague or do not have an obvious purpose or appeal. And so a lot of us are more likely to respond to messages that have a clear purpose. Ask yourself these questions:
- What do I want to communicate?
- Is there a purpose to what I'm saying?
- How do I think they will receive my message?
- Write a purposeful and clear message. You've given a sincere effort at understanding who you're talking to, what you want to say, and how you want to/should say it. So now you know at least that whether or not they respond has less to do with your actual text, than their situation, or the nature of your relationship.
Grabbing Their Attention
- Ask direct and significant questions. When someone texts you "Hey," or even "What's up?" it might not seem important enough to break your focus and merit a response. But being clear about what you want to know from someone can make it more likely you get a reply.
- Mark the text URGENT. If you're sending time-sensitive or emergency information to someone, using ALL CAPS and using the word URGENT (or even marking it as urgent using your phone's software) is a useful technique. People are more likely to respond once they understand it is a serious matter.
- Text them something related to their interests. Maybe "hey, what's up?" and "yo, what are you up to?" aren't cutting it. Try engaging them about their passions, work life, school work, an artist/show/type of music you know they enjoy. People are often more eager to talk if it's centered on something they already care about.
- Use an entertaining photo or GIF. These days texting has merged with the likes of Tumblr, Vine, and Instagram. Incorporating a hilarious cat meme, or celebratory GIF from RuPaul's Drag Race can make someone smile and warm them up to conversation.
- If you find yourself at a loss for words with what you want to express, using photos, GIFs, and other media also allows you to get your message across in a different way.
Talking about It in Person
- Tell the person what you sent them when you next meet in person. There may be a legitimate reason why they didn't respond. Casually bringing it up gives them a chance to explain.
- Use your sense of humor to find out what's going on. At first, give the person the benefit of the doubt, and ask in lighthearted ways:
- So you've been too busy with your cat grooming business to text me lately, huh?
- What's up with your response time? It's like texting with a dial up computer.
- Ask directly why they didn't text you back. If the person is being evasive or not giving a legitimate answer, you may need to be more direct. Know that this can make people feel uncomfortable and create tension in relationships. So gauge how close you and this person are, how serious your communication usually is, and whether it would be appropriate to be direct. If this is a real frustration for you, then bringing it up directly creates an opportunity for understanding you wouldn't otherwise have.Ask more directly:
- Why don't you respond to my text messages?
- Why does it take you so long to respond to my text messages?
- Watch your body language and tone. When dealing with conflict it's important to approach things with an attitude that it can get better. So expressing understanding through your posture, voice, and choice of words are important.
- Equally important is understanding other people's style of communication. For instance, a professor may say, "I have no clue what you are referring to," while a surfer would say, "No clue, dude." Being able to appreciate the meaning and not just the register will help you to better understand others.
- Sometimes we can run into criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and other emotions that block real communication. When you become aware of yourself doing this, take a deep breath and try to relax and open to understanding.
- Work out the issue at hand. Limited to electronic devices, we tend to think of texting as separate from other forms of communication. Ultimately though, it's still two or more humans sharing thoughts, feelings, actions, and intentions. And so when there is a problem in communication between you and someone else, it follows that texting will be difficult in its own way.
- Listen to the other persons perspective and try to see why they feel how they do. It's possible they have a legitimate frustration and you could benefit from changing your behavior. Possibly they are actually focused on something they did and doesn't respond because of that. Either way, airing the circumstances will guide you back toward healthy communication.
- If there are apologies that need to be made on either side, be kind and say or listen to what needs to be said.
- Have a laugh. After all it is only texting, so on another hand, there's no need to take it too seriously.
Understanding Why People Don't Text Back
- Think about your relationship with this person. Do they maybe have a crush on you, and vice versa? Depending on the romantic intentions either of you has, they may hesitate to text back immediately. This way they avoid seeming over eager.
- Consider other people's lives. They may be working, in the middle of a conversation, still sleeping, or even at a movie. Many people choose to leave their phones at home or keep them out of sight as a way to disconnect from electronics. When you start to use your imagination, many reasons appear for why people don't text back. Oftentimes we take it personally that other people don't respond to us when it's just a matter of circumstance.
- Know that texting decreases privacy and social boundaries. Texting someone in the middle of the night, or while they are on vacation will likely not get a response. It's important that people have the right to choose how accessible they are. Although it can be frustrating and often we can be impatient with text messaging specifically, it's important to simply acknowledge that people do not owe us an immediate response.
- Consider technical issues. Since most of us are using phones and laptops with rechargeable batteries, it's always possible that the battery is just dead. Or that someone dropped their phone in a liquid or cracked the screen beyond use. Or, if you're asking someone you don't know well to text you, like someone who has something for sale, remember not everyone has a cell phone and that some people only keep one for emergencies.
- Consider who the person is. Depending on the nature of your relationship to this person, their could be any number of social reasons you haven't gotten a response. If it's a potential lover, maybe they're nervous, or maybe they're not interested. If it's your friend, maybe they are focused on their creative endeavors and figure you'll understand. If it's family, maybe they're angry at you for something undiscussed and just don't want to talk to you.
- Consider their skill level with technology. If you're texting an older person, it's common they are unschooled in the ways of smart phones and texting. Maybe they need help getting comfortable with the medium before they can meet your response expectations.
- One way to get people texting that are unfamiliar, is to include them in group texts with other people who are more comfortable and respond regularly. For example you could have a group chat with your parents and siblings, so they can learn by example how most people text.
- Be patient. Oftentimes if we let go of focusing on whether someone is responding to us or not, we end up doing something more purposeful. And then sooner or later you get the text back you were waiting on.
Tips
- Make sure your text has a clear purpose and message.
- Make sure the person knows your number. Sometimes people will not reply to unfamiliar numbers.
- As with social media platforms, it's better to be concise while texting.
- Write with a confident tone.
- Make sure you are in fact texting the correct number. After you double check, then tell them who you are as many people don't respond to unfamiliar numbers.
Warnings
- Don't inundate them with texts. If someone doesn't respond after one or two messages, it's likely that five or ten will only annoy them.
- Don't send anything too violent or frightening to provoke a response. This can seriously anger or scare someone and make the situation worse then before.
- Don't use vulgar language.
