Move on After a Life Changing Revelation
You're going along in life with few cares or worries, and suddenly, it hits you. Something someone says, a glance in the right direction at the right time, an overheard snippet of conversation... and everything seems different. Now you realize something - you know something you didn't know before. How do you regain your balance and continue with your life? Sometimes, you can't go back to the way things were before, but you can go forward.
Contents
Steps
- Take the time to take it in. Maybe you've had a personal revelation, about your own life. Maybe something was revealed about a friend. Or maybe, you've just been considering life in general, and suddenly see everything in a different light. This can be a result of a religious epiphany (when you suddenly realize what you truly believe), or because of a revelation of character (your own or a relative's or friend's), or because something about a situation that never sat right with you suddenly clicked into place. Whatever it is, you need time to process and truly appreciate and understand which areas of your life must change from this time forward. Don't make sudden changes. Give yourself time to really consider this revelation from many angles before taking any action.
- Decide whether this changes things only for you, or if it will change a relationship(s). When you are the only one to consider, you will have a bit more leeway in implementing changes. If your revelation involves another person or persons, you will need to consider their rights, your obligations to them, and their feelings. Change may come in many forms, but not all changes need to be steamrolled out over all those around you.
- Seek guidance and counsel. You don't necessarily have to see a shrink or a therapist. You could go to a trusted family member or friend and discuss your revelation. It is never recommended that you act solely on your own instincts unless there is some intensely compelling reason. It is always preferred and wiser to seek the input of a trusted friend or relative before taking action that will affect your whole life.
- Seriously meditate on all possible consequences of your actions. After you have spoken to your "advisors" or "counselors," take the time to play out several scenarios in your mind before you do anything drastic. Will you lose your job? Will your relationship end? What will happen if you do Plan A? What about Plan B? Simply out of courtesy to others, it should be said that the option that creates the narrowest swath of destruction is generally best. However, if your revelation is one such as outing a molester in your family - in this case, you cannot allow consideration of who will be hurt or upset to enter into your thinking.
- Ask yourself what payoff you are looking for, especially if your actions will create a sensation or a big blowup. Will your life be better for it in the end? What do you hope will happen when you stage your big reveal? What if it doesn't happen? Then how will you feel? Sometimes, we realize something, and it hurts our feelings, or conversely, it makes us feel huge and invincible. If you call all your loved ones together and make a big, explosive announcement, what are you hoping they will do? Perhaps your revelation is a personal one: you are gay. If your family lives in an area where tolerance is the general rule, and you will be reasonably safe if it doesn't go well, then telling them all together this way may pay off in the end. Given enough time, usually families come around to this news surprisingly well, and quickly. But if you are in the Bible Belt, and you spring this on your entire family at one big gathering, you may be putting yourself at risk. Consider carefully what you would hope to accomplish with a big announcement, and instead consider smaller, more personal conversations with one or two family members or friends at a time.
- Take a deep breath... and do it. Living with newfound knowledge can be a struggle. Whether you realize that you are gay, or discover that you are adopted, or your spouse is cheating, or you found out that a family friend molested your sister, or understand that your mother favors your brother over you... these things can change your life. Maybe you just realized that you want to enter a monastery. Or maybe you realized that you want to enlist in the service instead of going to college right now. Whatever you have realized or discovered, after a certain amount of time, you have to act. Whether the action you take means that your life will change - or that it won't - you will decide to move forward from here, one way or the other. Come out if you are gay, or accept your friend who has just told you that s/he is - or end that relationship. Do it in the way that makes the most sense to you. Enter that convent. Or decide to do nothing about it at this time. Live your life on your terms. The exception here would be if you know that by doing nothing, someone else could be hurt. In that case, no matter what the consequences, you must take action to prevent this from happening.
- Move forward. Don't relive this event, or this revelation, over and over, trying to put your life back the way it was "before." All life is change. You cannot hope to go backward, not ever, not from anything, good or bad. All you can do is put it into its proper perspective and go forward. Pining for what was is not productive. Accepting what is and moving ahead with your life is the better plan. Tell yourself "One day I will come to terms with this. That day can be today."
Tips
- If your revelation is personal in nature, i.e., an epiphany of faith or of your own life and the way it relates to you only, then take your time in making changes related to this, and explore all avenues. You can talk to some friends or family along the way, but if your epiphany is private, you can keep it that way.
- Be sure - be absolutely positive - if you are accusing someone of a crime. If your revelation is one where things click if you accept that your uncle, for example, molested you and your sister, but you aren't sure... then watch him. Share your suspicion with your sister. If she is also hazy on the details, ask other women in your family who are the same age as you if they have had any experiences with this uncle. If you're still unsure, keep an eye on him, and don't let little ones go off alone with him. You don't want to protect a molester, but you don't want to cast suspicion of this kind on an innocent person. It can be almost impossible to erase suspicion in the future if you target the wrong person.
Warnings
- Realizing that someone has committed a crime can mean time is of the essence. If you're sure someone you know of did something bad, and if you have evidence of any kind (your eyewitness account, or better yet, physical evidence), either to you or to someone else, tell a family member or friend you trust as soon as you can. A suspicion that this person did something to someone else will not be sufficient - if that person cannot or will not corroborate your suspicion, you will need hard proof before you make an accusation.
- If you're coming out of denial about alcohol or drug abuse, seek help! Most people who successfully break addictions do so within a group of others also breaking their addictions. Again, peer groups may be more helpful than you'd think.
- Discovering something about yourself that you've been in denial about for years, perhaps all your life up to date, can be an enormous emotional shock. You had reasons for that denial. Admitting to yourself that you're gay, or that you have physical disabilities and not the mental condition you were told they were, or that your significant other was abusive for a long time will also bring you face to face with the reasons for that denial. Perhaps they were past reasons, denial was a way to get along with people who found that truth unacceptable. Sometimes you have to face an internalized phobia of the truth. It can hurt a lot and be shattering to break denial. Seek counseling from someone experienced with related issues - with coming out gay, look for LGBT organizations, with disability, a disability-sensitive counselor or disability organizations, with abuse, an abuse survivors group. Peer groups are especially helpful, meeting other people who've faced your situation can be more effective than trying to explain your feelings to a counselor who may not understand your situation.
