React when Your Child Ignores You

Having a child is one of life’s greatest joys, but it can also be difficult at times. It can be particularly frustrating when your child ignores you when you are speaking to them or giving them instructions. Whether your child is six or sixteen, being ignored is never a good feeling. However, you can create the best and most appropriate reaction if you work to keep calm, avoid a power struggle, and command their attention.

Steps

Keeping Calm

1. Take some deep breaths. When your child ignores you, you might feel intensely annoyed, angry and/or stressed. If you feel this way, take some deep breaths in through the nose and exhale slowly through your mouth until you feel calm again and ready to address the situation.
2. Walk away if you need a timeout. Sometimes, deep breaths may not be enough. If your child is safe to be alone or if they are old enough to be, get away for a moment. Go into the kitchen and run some cold water over your hands or go lie on your bed for a few minutes.
3. Count to yourself to calm down. If you cannot leave your child, then count to yourself or out loud until you feel calm. This can also help signify to your child that you are reaching your limits and that they need to cease ignoring you immediately.
4. Displace your anger. Do something else for the moment to distract yourself from reacting negatively. Sing your favorite song. Vacuum or sweep the floor. Do whatever you can to distract your attention momentarily.
5. Avoid yelling. Don’t teach your children that they are only supposed to listen when you yell. You need them to know that your words should be respected regardless of how loud you are. You might feel the urge to yell when your child ignores you, but speak firmly and at a regular tone, instead.
6. Set a daily relaxation time. This will help you keep more calm overall and make you less likely to react when provoked. Spend some time daily taking a hot bath, meditating, practicing yoga, or listening to some relaxing music.

Avoiding a Power Struggle

1. Let unimportant battles go. Know when to engage with your child and when to refrain. Though it is never okay for your child to ignore you, know that sometimes they should get a pass. If they are crying or very upset about something, for instance, you might choose to let it go. However, in all other instances you should not tolerate being ignored and disrespected.
   • Call attention to the behavior, give a warning, and then follow through with a punishment if they don’t listen.
2. Set a target time for a task to be complete. Many children respond better when there is a degree of flexibility offered. Perhaps you need your child to take out the trash or clean the bathroom. Rather than saying “Zach, clean the bathroom right now,” which might get you ignored, say “I need you to clean the bathroom before 8PM tonight.”
   • This way, your child can finish up any tasks they are in the process of so they can devote more attention to their chores.
3. Establish a set time for major responsibilities. Tasks like homework should be completed at a certain time of day to establish a routine. Avoid giving your child a lot of flexibility about when they will complete tasks like these. Tell them to put away the electronics while they work.
   • You will avoid being ignored if your child knows the exact time of day that they are supposed to do something; this will prevent you from having to remind them.

Commanding Their Attention

1. Be specific with your instructions. Your child may be ignoring you because the tasks you assign to them might be too broad or intangible. Instead of saying “clean your room” to your five year old, you might say “put your toys away and put your dirty clothes in the hamper.” Children tend to respond better and more readily to details.
2. Make them repeat your instructions back to you. If your child typically ignores you or if they reply with an “mmhmm” and you’re not sure that they heard you, make them repeat the instructions back to you. This will ensure both that they heard you and that they will remember what they need to do.
3. Make your presence known physically. A simple hand on shoulder can work wonders in getting your child’s attention. When they are ignoring you, simply walk over to them, put your hand on their shoulder, and then repeat what you said once they are looking you in the eye.
   • Don’t be forceful with them. Just use physical touch as a gentle reminder that you require their attention.
4. Set a timer. If you have a bit of flexibility with the task that you need them to complete, set a timer for your child. Let them know that by the time the timer goes off, they need to have begun completing the task that you have assigned to them.
   • Say something like “you have 10 minutes to start folding that laundry.”
5. Give them warnings. If your child is not listening to you because they are focused on something else, then give them a warning. Perhaps they are on their cell phone or watching television; let them know that you will take their phone and TV privileges for the day if they do not respond or do as you ask.
   • Or perhaps your toddler refuses to come to you on the playground after you called their name. Let them know that if they don’t come now, you will go get them and take them home.
6. Establish consequences and follow through on them. Take away privileges if they don’t do as you say within the timeframe that you asked. Go to the car without them, and leave them home if they are old enough, if they did not come after you called them several times. Honor your word so they know what to expect.
7. Avoid giving them a task when they are engaged in another. If you know your child has been waiting all week to watch a new episode of their favorite show, consider avoiding having a discussion or assigning a chore during this time. Wait until the show is complete to engage with them.
   • If they are older, you could also consider texting them what you need them to do, as teenagers tend to use their phones often.
8. Praise them when they listen. When your child listens to you readily, praise them for it. You can say something simple like “Thanks for getting that work done so quickly, Mariah, I appreciate it.” A simple expression of gratitude goes a long way and helps to reinforce good behavior.
9. Avoid always saying ‘no.’ Your child might ignore you because they are frustrated with you for something. Perhaps, they ask to hang out with friends often and you always tell them ‘no.’ And then later, when you try to talk to your child about their friendships, they ignore you. An environment where a child is always shut down will create a child who feels frustrated, defeated, and not in control of themselves.
10. Be present. Just as you don’t want them to ignore you, be sure that you don’t ignore them, either. Have family time at least a few times per week and stay off your phone and engage with them more. Avoid drifting off when you have conversations, and focus instead on the people in front of you.

Warnings

• Know when to get help. If they ignore more than they listen, respond only to loud noises, or make strange noises without knowing, they may have a hearing problem. Take your child to your local pediatrician to get their hearing checked.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Deal With Your Young Children When They Interrupt You
• Get a Child to Sit in a Car Seat
• Know if Your Child Needs Therapy
• Avoid Making Idle Threats to Your Kids
• Give a Spanking
• Discipline an Autistic Child
• Get Your Children Away from TV
• Discipline a Child
• Discipline a Child Effectively Without Spanking
• Handle Your Child's Temper Tantrum

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