Renew Your Wedding Vows

Renewing your vows is a special celebration for a married couple. It is often done on a big anniversary (tenth, twentieth, fiftieth, etc.) or when a couple has gone through a rough period and wants to reaffirm their commitments to each other. It could also be the large, expensive celebration you couldn't afford when you first got married. While there are general guidelines you can follow, note that there are many ways to tailor the experience to the wishes of you and your spouse.

Steps

Planning the Ceremony

  1. Know when the time is right. Any married couple can renew their vows any time they want, but having a reason for doing so can make the occasion feel more special. Maybe you got married in a courthouse and never got to have your loved ones there to witness your big day. Maybe you couldn't afford a big wedding the first time around but are ready to throw a huge gala now. Maybe you or your partner have overcome a major life difficulty, such as an illness or a career crisis, and you want to show that your love is stronger than ever. Maybe you've patched things up after one of you strayed and want to reaffirm your commitment to each other.
    • Though these reasons, as well as special anniversaries, are excellent for renewing your vows, you should do it whenever you feel that you both want to do it. There's no cookie-cutter way to make this decision.
  2. Decide whether you want a large celebration or an intimate affair. Determine if you want a big ceremony with plenty of fanfare or an intimate gathering of just close family and friends. Maybe you want to throw a huge party to see many people you haven't seen in years, or just because you've been married for 25 years and feel like celebrating your love. But maybe you want to do something small and intimate, and to have the people who have meant the most to you close at hand. You and your spouse should be in agreement about what kind of a celebration you want before you begin.
  3. Stick to a budget. A vow renewal ceremony can cost just as much as the first wedding, if not more, depending on its extravagance. Much of the cost will be from the food and alcohol served at the reception, if you choose to have one, so keep this in mind when planning. You should not only decide how much you'll spend, but what kind of an affair it'll be. You can invite a ton of guests to a big backyard gathering, or to an elegant evening in a reception hall. You can splurge on fancy cocktails and nice attire, or you can keep things a bit more casual. You can also fall somewhere in between.
  4. Select a venue. Pick a place that's large enough to hold your guests and which gives off the impression you are going for. If you plan on a large celebration, then you should plan for it at least a year to six months in advance, so that everyone you want to be there has time to make travel arrangements and does not make conflicting plans. This will also give you more freedom to select a venue, as many venues get booked fast.
    • If you only plan on having a smaller celebration, however, you might be able to book your venue less than six months in advance. An earlier reservation will always be your safest bet, though.
    • Don't limit yourself to traditional venues if you're not a traditional couple. In addition to churches and reception halls, you can also renew your vows on a beach or on a mountain top -- anywhere that is special for you and your spouse. Pick out a location that means something to the both of you and try to go from there.
    • When picking your venue, also keep your guests in mind. If an exotic destination is more important to you than the number of guests showing up, it might work out--but generally, if you want plenty of people to come, you'll need to choose a venue a bit closer to home.
  5. Choose your attire. Depending upon how formal your vow renewal will be, a woman may want a traditional wedding dress. You could also opt for a party dress in one of your wedding colors. Since this is not your first wedding, etiquette dictates that you don't have to wear white if you don't want to--some even believe that you should avoid a pure white gown altogether. The veil is also optional.
    • You can even consider wearing your original wedding dress, if it still fits.
    • Since many men rent their tuxedos instead of buying them, the groom probably won't have the option of wearing his original ensemble. He could rent a similar style of tuxedo if you're planning a ceremony similar to your first, or he could rent a lower-key suit instead. If your husband is in the military, he can wear his uniform.
    • You can also give each other gifts, such as jewelry or cufflinks, to wear on the big day.
  6. Iron out the finer details. Now that you've secured your date, you should let your close friends and family members know when it is before you send out the invites. Then, you've to plan all of the little things. Get quotes from vendors and start putting down deposits. You may need a caterer, bartender, musicians, a DJ, flower arrangements, decorations, a photographer, favors, a cake and invitations.
    • You'll need an officiant of some sort, but since you are already married, you don't need to find someone legally permitted to perform a wedding. You may choose to have your clergyman do the ceremony, or a close friend or family member. You can even have someone from the original bridal party do it. If you have grown children, having one of them officiate the wedding can add a nice touch.
    • You can decide whether you want a tiered cake. Some people think this isn't necessary for a renewal of vows, but if you have your heart set on it, don't that stop you. If you didn't get to have a tiered cake the first time around, that gives you all the more reason to have one now!
    • Though it would be a nice touch to have some of the same things at your renewal as you had in your wedding, such as a similar floral arrangement or having your first dance to the same song, make sure that you find a way to make your renewal different from your ceremony. After all, you and your spouse are in a different stage of life, and it's important to commemorate that.

Inviting Guests

  1. Make a guest list. This could be as short or long as you would like, taking your budget into consideration. You'll also need to make a list of who you would like in your wedding party, if you will have one. Some couples choose to walk down the aisle together and not have a wedding party, while others want their original bridesmaids and groomsmen to be involved. Many people choose to incorporate their kids or grandchildren into the ceremony as well.
    • Remember that, the first time around, if you had bridesmaids and groomsmen, that they were officially there to serve as witnesses. You don't need them this time around because the ceremony isn't an official or legal matter, and you don't need more witnesses. However, you can have them up there with you, or just invite them, to show that they have been and still are an important part of your lives and your relationship.
  2. Send your invitations. Your invitations should make it clear that you're having a renewal/reaffirmation ceremony. While your original ceremony might have been hosted by your parents, this time, your parents' names should not appear on the invitation. You should host your own party, or have it hosted by your children. Make sure to send the invites at least two months in advance, so your guests have time to respond and make travel arrangements. Here are some examples of what your invitations can say:
    • If you're hosting it yourself, you can say something like, "The honor of your presence is requested at the reaffirmation [or "renewal"] of the wedding vows of Mr. and Mrs. Steven Jones [or "Amy and Steven Jones"]." You can follow this by specific information about the party.
    • If your children are hosting the renewal, then you can say, "The children of Mr. and Mrs. Jonathan Smith [or "Susan and Jonathan Smith"] request the honor of your presence at the reaffirmation ceremony of their parents," followed by more information about the affair.

Minding Vow Renewal Etiquette

  1. Host your ceremony and reception. This time around, you should host your own reception and ceremony. While in the past, your parents or close loved ones might have given you financial backing, you'll have to fend for yourselves, for the most part. However, there can be exceptions made if you're having your vow renewals close to your original wedding date and never got to have a party.
  2. Skip the gift registry. Most people believe you shouldn't have a gift registry when you renew your vows. The first time around, your guests could have helped you get a new set of dishware, pay for your honeymoon, or just to have some money to start your new lives together. This time, it can be considered tacky to ask your guests for gifts when you're already an established married couple. But again, if your renewal date is close to your wedding date, then you can consider having a registry if you really need one.
    • The same goes for a bridal shower -- since you're already married, this is generally not thought to be appropriate.
  3. Pass on the bachelor and bachelorette party. Many men and women who have a vow renewal close to their wedding date who never got to have a bachelorette party want to have one. However, many people don't consider this a good idea because these parties are supposed to be your "last night out as a single person." Since you're already married, you may have missed the boat for this one. You can still celebrate with a group of your friends, but hold off on the more risque aspects of a traditional bachelor/bachelorette celebration.
    • On a similar note, skip the garter toss and the bouquet toss at your reception since these traditions are heavily associated with the idea of recently ending your time as single people. Instead, consider leading the guests in a variety of fun dances to remove some of the formality.

Renewing Your Wedding Vows

  1. Write your vows. You don't have to do this but this is a vow renewal ceremony, with the focus on your continued love for your spouse, so writing your own vows is a nice touch. If your officiant is a clergyman, ask if you can write something to say in addition to the traditional ceremony readings. If your officiant is a friend or family member, you will need to figure out what he will say as well, since he will have no experience in leading this kind of ceremony.
    • You can say anything at all in your vows, but you should focus on the positives and the future ahead, instead of bringing up the hardships you've overcome. You can touch on those, but it's best to keep things positive.
    • You also don't have to write your own. You can have the officiant say whatever you want him to say, and to reaffirm your love that way. He can ask questions like, "Steve, will you continue to have Amy as your wife and to continue your happy and loving marriage?" You and your spouse will answer, "I will," and that will already reaffirm your commitment to one another.
  2. Hold your ceremony. You have several options since this is not a regular wedding service. You could both walk down the aisle with your children in tow, or the wife could walk to her husband alone, putting all the attention on her. You can exchange new rings or give each other your old rings to symbolize a renewed faith in your marriage. Family members may do some readings in your honor. Many people don't think anyone should walk down the aisle alone; walking with your husband or children can add a special touch to the ceremony.
    • You can also use this as an excuse to update your wedding bands. Maybe you've wanted to get new ones, or nicer ones for a long time, and this can be the perfect occasion. If you don't want new bands and love them the way they are, then you can engrave something special on them, if you like.
    • Though you don't need witnesses this time around, you can have your original bridal party standing up there with you for sentimental reasons.
  3. Celebrate at your reception. This could be a small gathering at someone's home or a large party in a reception hall. You have many options here as well. Have a first dance between you and your spouse to your favorite song and don't make a big deal out of the father-daughter dance. You don't have to have an elaborate cake cutting ritual but serve cupcakes instead; you could also have on display a cake modeled after your original one. Ask a couple of people to have toasts prepared in honor of your lasting love but give a toast or two yourself.
    • You can also bring your original wedding album or have photos of your original wedding available so that your guests can reminisce about your wedding. If you were married not long before the renewal, you can have some photographs that commemorated the event handy.
    • Give toasts to the important guests and tell everyone how much they have meant to you over the years. You will get toasted to many times in return!
    • Though everyone has an opinion about how your wedding renewal ceremony and reception should be done, at the end of the day, you should remember that it's your party and your day, and that you shouldn't let other people discourage you from celebrating your love the way you want to celebrate it.

Tips

  • While etiquette dictates certain "rules" to follow when you reaffirm your commitment, the bottom line is to celebrate your love for your spouse and have fun with family and friends. If there's a certain tradition you would like to keep in your vow renewal ceremony, keep it, even if etiquette says you shouldn't.

Warnings

  • Don't register for gifts. You may choose to accept gifts if this is your anniversary, but don't expect to receive gifts for new home furnishings as is traditional with weddings.

Related Articles

  • Choose a Unique Wedding

Sources and Citations

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