Split Up and Still Be Friends

You have a sweet romantic partner who has never done anything to hurt you and possibly loves you, but for some reason, you want to break up with them. This is perfectly fine; if it doesn't work out now, it probably never will. Some people argue that it is impossible to remain friends with an ex, but it can be done. Why not at least try to keep this great person in your life?

Steps

Breaking Up in the Right Way

  1. End the relationship in person. Many people commit the cardinal sin of breaking up via text or Facebook. Doing it that way will not signal that you really care. Show this person respect at the end because you won’t maintain a friendship if the break up goes badly.[1]
    • Talking in person will let you break down everything that you want to say. It will also allow your significant other the chance to respond instead of feeling shut out. [1]
    • Remember that not giving people closure makes them suffer psychologically. Don’t do that if you want to stay friends because no one likes to be left hanging. [1]
    • You can use body language to guide the conversation if you meet in person. If your partner has rigid shoulders, is open-mouthed, or looks down a lot, you’ll know that the conversation is upsetting to them. If your partner seems relaxed and maybe even smiles, you’ll know you are not delivering blows.[1]
  2. Pick a location that will lead to a productive talk. This is an important discussion, and you both need to be focused, so having it just anywhere won’t help you get your point across. To stay friends, remember that atmosphere counts.[1]
    • Avoid places that are crowded. You need privacy, not some busy body at the next table eavesdropping on every word.[1]
    • Don’t go somewhere that the two of you used to go together. That will bring up sad memories for you both.[1]
    • Pick a park, a large, open cafe or other locale where the two of you can have space. Definitely don’t meet at one of your houses, which will be uncomfortable. [1]
  3. Be honest and skip the cliché. No one wants to hear “It’s me, not you.” Starting off in such an insincere way won’t help the break up talk go smoothly and you will end up insulting your ex.[1]
    • If you aren’t attracted to the person anymore, you can tell them that, but be gentle, of course.
    • If you don’t see a future due to different life goals, that is a legitimate reason. Simply say, "Joe, I am trying to find a job that will allow me to travel, and you're a homebody. A long-term relationship probably just isn't right for us."
    • Maybe you feel that the differences in your communication styles will cause problems down the road. Try saying something like, "We have misunderstandings far too often. We can probably find other people that understand us better."
  4. Avoid adding extra reasons just for emphasis. Even though you don't want to continue seeing this person, there's no need to criticize every little thing about them.[1]
    • Don't criticize your ex's family. You're not going to date this person anymore, so there is no reason to announce that his siblings were bossy and his mom was nosy.
    • Don't blame their pets. If you were allergic to the cat in the beginning of the year-long relationship and stayed around, that cat has nothing to do with the break up.
    • Making other trivial claims, like that they live too far away, is just not necessary. More reasons won’t make the person getting dumped feel better.[1]

Figuring Out How to Be Friends

  1. Give your ex some space at first. Take some proactive steps to ensure that you both feel the same way. If the ex agrees to trying to be friends, be chill for awhile. If you start texting or calling right away, your ex might get confused and think that you want to get back together.[2]
    • Always ask exes if they can handle being your friend or not. Respect their wishes if they say no.
    • If the answer is yes, don't be tempted to send cute text messages or post links or memes on their Facebook wall. We all need time to heal, so don’t be pushy by reminding them about you so soon.
    • Try not to show up at your ex's favorite places when you know there's a good chance they will be there. It will seem like you are forcing an interaction.
  2. Set some ground rules. Talking about how this whole “being friends” thing is going to work is important. You need to convey your needs and expectations, and your ex certainly needs to weigh in. Don’t jump into trying to be friends until everything is out in the open. [3]
    • Discuss how you expect a friend to behave. Ask your ex to define friendship, too. You have to make sure that you have the same goals in mind before continuing.
    • Your ex might not be that comfortable with seeing you frequently since you are the one who initiated the break up, so give them a lot of leeway in establishing parameters.
    • Allow your ex to make the plans the first couple of times that you meet. They may feel more comfortable when feeling in control.[3]
  3. Treat this person as a true friend. You’re either friends or you’re not. Don’t take advantage of them because you used to date. Be sincere in all intentions, return calls and texts in a timely fashion, and don’t be flaky. If you act otherwise, you won’t maintain the friendship. [3]
    • Avoid blowing off your ex. If you are asked to hang out and you can’t, just reply back. Don’t ignore them, as that’s simply rude.
    • Assuming that this person might want to be a “friend with benefits” is a bad idea. You might end up embarrassing yourself.
    • Don’t think that your ex will enjoy accompanying you on work or family functions because you don’t have a date. No one likes to feel like an afterthought.

Realizing When It’s Not Working

  1. Keep track of how often your ex asks to see you. If they contact you several times a week, is it really just to catch up or because they still pine for you? Making excuses to see you signifies lingering feelings, so be aware that the friendship might not be healthy.[4]
    • You might have told your ex that you would go to an art exhibit or hit up an antique store sometime. If your ex presses you to get together daily, watch out!
    • If your ex constantly wants to come over to do something that is not urgent, like teach you a new Photoshop trick or help you pick out new curtains, she or he just might want physical contact.
    • Be able to tell the difference between excuses and actual urgency, though. If they mention feeling despondent, don’t shrug it off.
  2. Analyze your reactions. You might find things that the ex does more annoying than when other friends do them. We notice little things and take people’s words more personally when we have romantic feelings for someone. If these things occur, you might have to back away from the friendship.[3]
    • When true friends cancel plans because they feel ill, you believe them. However, if you doubt that your ex is sincere when doing the same thing, that signals a trust issue.
    • If you overreact when the ex gives you an honest answer when you ask about one of your flaws, it might mean that the friendship is lacks a solid foundation.
    • Everyone has little things that drive them crazy, like people who chew with their mouths open, but if every tiny thing that your ex does drives you crazy, back away before you start being mean.
  3. Monitor your thoughts. Be sure that you don’t think about this person more than you think about other friends. If you are truly just friends, you can go a weeks without thinking about the other person. Lingering thoughts about your ex might mean that you’re not ready to be just friends.[3]
    • Check yourself if you constantly wonder if your ex “friend” is dating anyone yet.
    • If you often wish that you could get together but don’t want to ask because you two went to a movie just last week, that's not a good sign.
    • Daydreaming about kissing or sleeping with your ex is not okay! If you do that, don’t try to convince yourself that those thoughts will eventually pass. Take a break from seeing your ex pronto!
  4. End the friendship if it comes to that. Clearly, you've put much time, effort, and emotion into trying to be buddies with your ex. If it just doesn't feel right after a few months, though, it's time to admit that it's not working. At this point, spending time together is not productive and it might annoy your friends.[3]
    • You might want to move up in your job, but all of the back and forth with your ex leaves you with less energy to focus.
    • Meeting new people, which you wanted to prioritize, isn't something you've done during this time because you focused on the ex.
    • Some of your friends might be irritated with you for spending so much time on something that they thought wasn't worth it.

Tips

  • Don't do this if you honestly don't want to be friends. You must feel as if you truly still want to have a relationship with this person, such as a "brother/sister" relationship, instead of having a relationship that will lead to marriage, sex, children, and more.
  • Know that a relationship cannot work out with someone who feels upset over not being "The One" for you. Either the person wants to stop dating you and just be friends, or you will just be seen as another ex. It is as simple as that.
  • Talk to someone else if you aren’t sure if the friendship is not working out. A third party should be able to give you a fresh perspective.
  • Brush off feelings of guilt if the friendship doesn’t last. At least you put in a solid effort. You can’t force it if it’s not there.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.00 1.01 1.02 1.03 1.04 1.05 1.06 1.07 1.08 1.09 1.10 https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201101/the-thoroughly-modern-guide-breakups?collection=134099
  2. ↑ http://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/sex/10930084/Staying-friend-with-your-ex-My-ex-wants-to-stay-in-touch-but-Im-still-heartbroken.-Can-we-ever-be-friends.html
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 3.2 3.3 3.4 3.5 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/getting-back-out-there/201511/8-reasons-not-be-friends-your-ex-least-not-yet
  4. ↑ http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/6-unmistakable-signs-your-ex-trying-get-you-back
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