Stay Calm During Toddler Temper Tantrums

Raising a toddler can be very tough, particularly when they are having a tantrum. You may have done all that you can to calm them down, but in the midst of the madness, it’s important to find some peace for yourself, too. However, through maintaining a healthy distance from the tantrum and keeping a positive mood, you can stay calm in spite of your child’s meltdown.

Steps

Keeping Your Cool

1. Reduce noise and stress around you. One way to keep a positive mindset in the moment is to reduce the noise surrounding you. Turn down the radio if you are in the car. Turn off the television if you are in the house. Silence your phone if it is ringing. Get away from anything that is adding additional loudness to your already loud surroundings.
   • This is one way to keep a peaceful environment even while your toddler is throwing a fit.
2. Take some deep breaths. A way to feel calmer and more positive almost immediately is to simply breathe deeply. Take a deep breath, inhaling in through your nose, and then exhale slowly through your mouth. This will help release some of the tension in your body and keep you from getting worked up.
   • Practice this deep breathing until you feel completely calm or ready to address your child’s tantrum.
3. Practice self-talk. Avoid thinking negatively about yourself during this tantrum. Remember that toddlers at this age often act out in this way because they do not understand and are unable to handle their emotions. These tantrums are a way of them figuring this out as well as developing coping mechanisms. In your head, try repeating things like:
   • Everything will be okay.
   • I am a good parent.
   • This is only temporary. The tantrum will end soon.
4. Relax your muscles. Often times, the stress from these tantrums can affect more than your mind, but your body as well. Tension is likely building in your body, but you can release this and stay calm more easily if you relax your body. Do some simple stretches like reaching up to the ceiling and then down at your feet. Lie flat on your back and completely relax your body into the bed or floor.
5. Laugh. When you are in the middle of your child’s tantrum, laughter might be the furthest thing from your mind. However, you can inject humor into any situation by taking a moment to revisit a funny text you received recently or to even get on social media searching for funny memes or statuses. Perhaps there is a comedian you find hilarious; search for some short clips from their stand-up and watch them to induce laughter.
   • You should never laugh at your child, however. This will confuse them and likely only intensify the tantrum.
6. Speak calmly. Know that anger begets more anger. Speaking to them calmly will help reinforce calm behavior in you. Yelling will only intensify the situation and will often escalate your toddler’s tantrum.
   • You might say something like “Jessica, I know you are upset. But I need you to calm down right now so that you can have your dinner.”
7. Start a countdown. A countdown can not only help your child calm down, it can also help you as well. This will be the signal to your child for them to end their tantrum before being punished. Count slowly and deliberately from 1 to 5 and breathe deeply while doing so.
   • If your child still does not calm down by the end of the countdown, step away for a moment.

Getting Some Space and Some Help

1. Ignore your child. Perhaps the easiest and most simple way to remain calm during this tantrum is to ignore it altogether. Avoid getting all worked up and simply disengage from your toddler. Do not try to reason with or bargain with them during this time.
   • Let your toddler know why you are doing this. You can say, "I am not going to have this talk again until you have calmed down."
   • Don’t do this when in public, however. Do so only when you are in private or when you are in the comfort of your own home. If your child is acting out in public, you will want to address the behavior with more immediacy.
2. Give your child some space. Sometimes, a toddler’s tantrums might be a bit aggressive or even violent. Some toddlers bite, scratch or hit when they are upset. In order to keep yourself calm and injury free, maintain some distance from your child during this period. If you were holding them, put them down and step away until some of their anger has dissipated. You can also go into another room.
   • If you feel that your child could injure themselves, however, you will need to monitor them until that is no longer a risk. Find a safe room where your child can be upset without hurting themselves, and remove any potentially dangerous objects.
3. Walk away until you feel calm again. If you feel your child’s tantrum is starting to get the best of you, walk away from the situation. Allowing your anger to increase will only likely result in doing something that you will regret, like giving into your child or yelling at them. Take a few moments to yourself to recenter and calm down.
   • Go outside for a few minutes and sit on your porch until you feel calm.
   • Call and talk to a friend or family member. You can vent or ask them for advice to help you cool down.
   • Try splashing some cool water on your face or going to have a glass of water.
   • Make sure your home is childproof so that you can feel comfortable leaving them to themselves for a few minutes.
4. Zone out. One of the best ways to protect your sanity during this stressful time is simply to zone out. Think of something that you are looking forward to that’s coming up soon. It can be something simple like having an ice cream with a friend later or a vacation to the beach. Whatever it is, take a moment to step away in your mind.
   • If you have the time, writing in a journal or doodling can help provide an escape.
5. Change your location. One other option to alleviate your stress levels during tantrums is to change your physical location. If your toddler is throwing a tantrum in the middle of a store, you might feel stressed because you are embarrassed. Alleviate these negative feelings by removing yourself and your toddler from the public place until both of you have calmed down.
   • Go sit in your car until the tantrum has ended. You can also step into a bathroom for a moment with your child.
6. Ask your partner to step in. If you are feel extremely overwhelmed and feel that you have done all that you can to calm down, consider asking for some outside help occasionally. It’s okay to admit that you don’t have all the answers or fixes all of the time. Allow your partner to step in and soothe or address the child while you take a break from the situation.
   • You might say something like “Hey honey, can you come in here for a bit. John is having another tantrum and I need a moment.”
   • Give your partner a break when they need it, as well.

Managing and Preventing Tantrums

1. Give your child choices. One way to help minimize tantrums to let your toddler make choices in their routine. This can be as simple as asking which fruit they want to eat with lunch or which shirt they want to wear that day. This will give them a little control in their life.
   • Choose acceptable choices ahead of time. Do not give your toddler a choice if you cannot give it to them.
2. Pick your battles. One way to feel more at peace during or prior to tantrums is to simply pick your battles. Prioritize important lessons or corrections to make with your toddler and let go of the smaller things. For instance, if your child regularly cries when they can’t have a treat, consider letting that go and correcting them only on more serious offenses.
3. Use distractions. Distract yourself and them from the tantrum so that the both of you can get some peace. Hand them a favorite toy or give them a small snack. Put your headphones in and listen to some music or go into another room to call a friend.
   • Distractions work best before a tantrum has fully erupted. Be alert for the signs of an oncoming tantrum, and distract your child before they are completely distraught.
4. Hug your child. Though this may be the last thing that you want to do in the moment, hugs are very effective in stopping tantrums in their tracks. A hug can provide your child the physical soothing that they need in the moment to calm down. As you hug them, practice deep and rhythmic breathing to help soothe them.
   • Once they have calmed down a little, ask them gently how they are feeling. Is there anything they need? Do they want some space or quiet time to themselves?
5. Give them a timeout. A timeout is a great way to help your child gain control of themselves and their emotions. It is not meant to be a punishment, so do not allow your child to stay in timeout for too long. Keep them in 1 minute for every year of their age. For instance, your two year old should stay in for no more than two minutes.
6. Talk to them about the tantrum. If your child is able to talk and express themselves, you may be able to discuss their tantrum with them. Once they have calmed down, sit with them. Ask them why they were so upset. Coach them through better ways of expressing their feelings.
   • You can say, "Why were you crying earlier?"
   • Encourage them to express their feelings. You might say, "How did that make you feel?"
   • Ask them to think about more appropriate responses. You can say, "What do you think is a better way to ask for what you want?"
7. Assess why the tantrums occur. If you can identify the source of your child’s tantrums, then you will be better equipped at preventing them. For instance, if your child often throws a tantrum at around noon when it is time for lunch, then perhaps their anger is sparked by hunger. Consider giving them a mid morning snack to curtail tantrums.
   • If your child has frequent tantrums, you may want to keep a record of when they occur and what causes them. You may notice patterns that can help you get to the root of the problem.
   • Lack of sleep or an irregular sleep schedule are common causes of tantrums. Make sure that your child keeps to a consistent sleep and nap schedule.
   • Boredom and overstimulation can also contribute to tantrums.

Sources and Citations

See also

• Relate to Children
• Entertain a Toddler
• Keep Children Entertained While Cleaning
• Practice Conscious Parenting
• Praise a Child
• Respond when Your Preschooler Calls You Names
• Help Your Toddler Make Friends
• Deal with Toddlers Who Touch Themselves
• Keep Your Toddler Safe in a Swing
• Help Your Child Accept a New Baby

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