Respond when Your Preschooler Calls You Names

Almost all preschoolers go through a name-calling stage. Some kids are looking for attention when they taunt others, while others are just parroting things they’ve heard other people say. Regardless of where the behavior is coming from, though, it’s important to respond the right way when your preschooler calls you names. Don’t lose your cool, since this can encourage the bad behavior. Instead, talk to your child firmly but compassionately about why name-calling is wrong, and make sure you’re setting a good example with your own behavior.

Steps

Keeping Your Cool

1. Remember that your child’s behavior isn’t personal. Your child’s name-calling is about their own feelings of anger or powerlessness, not about you. Preschoolers act out because they don’t have the coping skills or empathy to find better solutions to their problems yet.
   • It’s still normal to feel hurt when your child calls you a name, but recognizing the real cause of the behavior can help you handle the situation calmly.
2. Take a deep breath. Give yourself a minute to calm down before you address your child’s name-calling. Count to ten or leave the room, if you need to. Never discipline your child when you’re angry.
   • If you try to discipline your child while you’re angry, you’ll probably just take your feelings out on them, which can be harmful for both of you.
3. Communicate calmly. Show your child that you’re in control of the situation by keeping your tone and your body language neutral. Avoid raising your voice, even if you’re upset.

Talking to Your Child

1. Address the name-calling. Without raising your voice or overreacting, tell your child that calling names is not acceptable. Don’t try to ignore the incident or let it slide, even if you’re busy. Draw a clear boundary so your child knows the behavior is not OK.
   • Don’t laugh or act shocked, even if your child calls you something surprising or funny. Your child wants a reaction from you. If you give it to them, they may continue calling you names in the future.
   • Say something like, “Toby, we do not call each other stupid in this house.”
2. Acknowledge your child’s emotions. Look past the name-calling to see what’s really going on with your child. Consider whether they are feeling disappointed, angry, or overtired. Show your child that you’re on their side by empathizing with them.
   • You could say, “I know you’re sad that we have to go home now. You were having fun at the playground, weren’t you?”
3. Explain why name-calling is wrong. Tell your child how you feel when they call you names. Help them develop their empathy by reminding them of a time when someone else hurt their feelings by calling them a name.
   • For instance, say, “I feel sad when you say things like that to me. Do you remember when Ellie called you names last week? You felt sad then, too.”
4. Help your child express their emotions constructively. Give your child some new ideas for how they can cope with strong feelings. Encourage them to name what they’re feeling or to blow off steam by doing another activity.
   • For example, you could say, “It’s okay to tell me that you’re feeling really mad at me right now. If you’re too mad to talk, you can go into your room and play with your trains until you calm down.”
5. Use positive reinforcement. Don’t just pay attention to your child’s name-calling – notice their good behavior, too. When your child expresses their emotions appropriately, praise them and tell them what you like about their behavior.
   • For instance, say, “I’m proud of you for telling me how you feel. That was very grown-up of you.”

Setting a Good Example

1. Avoid calling names. Ask yourself whether you ever call other people names. If you do, work on breaking the habit. If you call your child, other family members, or even strangers names, your child will learn that name-calling is an appropriate way to vent frustration, and they’ll be confused when you tell them to stop.
   • If you accidentally let an unkind name slip, call out your own behavior and apologize. Say, “I shouldn’t have said that, even though I’m upset right now. I’m sorry.”
2. Model good conflict resolution skills. When you have a conflict with someone, be mindful about how you resolve it. Be proactive about finding a solution, and be willing to compromise. Show your child how to come to an agreement without getting angry or resorting to insults.
   • If you have a particularly good teachable moment in one of your interactions, talk about it with your child afterwards.
   • For instance, say something like, “Did you notice how your older sister and I talked to each other earlier? We had a disagreement, but we didn’t get mad or call each other names.”
3. Show your child how to handle strong feelings. Use your own emotions to teach your child healthy coping strategies. When you feel down about something, describe your negative emotions, and explain what you’re going to do about them. Invite your child to help you come up with ideas for handling your feelings.
   • For instance, say, “I’m feeling upset that the refrigerator broke, so I’m going to step outside for a minute to calm down. When I come back, maybe we can talk about some other good things to do when we’re upset.”

Sources and Citations

See also

• Relate to Children
• Teach Your Child Phonological Awareness
• Keep Children Entertained While Cleaning
• Practice Conscious Parenting
• Praise a Child
• Stay Calm During Toddler Temper Tantrums
• Decide if You Should Hold Your Child Back from Kindergarten
• Help Your Child Accept a New Baby
• Encourage Kids to Read
• Discuss Sex with Your Child

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