Tell Your Parents You Have a Boyfriend

Maybe you're a teenager with your first boyfriend, or maybe you're already a little older but have always struggled whenever you have to share news of a relationship with your strict folks. Alternatively, maybe you're a guy yourself, struggling with how to tell your parents you're gay. Whatever way, telling your parents that you have a boyfriend can be intimidating, but if you approach the topic the right way, they might be willing to accept the news. If things go really well, they might even be happy for you. Here are a few suggestions about how to get the task done with as little tension as possible.

Steps

Breaking the News

1. Figure out who to tell first. You might have a parent you feel closer to or maybe one of your parents tends to be more lenient than the other. Oftentimes, breaking the news to a parent who is easier to talk to can clear the way for talking to the other parent.
   • For instance, if you grew up as a "daddy's girl," meaning you can now wrap him around your little finger, you might start with your dad. On the other hand, if your dad tends to be overprotective, you might start with your mother instead.
   • This approach can be an especially helpful idea if you are a teenager with your first boyfriend.
   • On the other hand, if you think both of your parents will take it equally well (or badly), just rip off the bandaid and tell them both at the same time.
2. Pick a good time. You don't want to tell your parents when they are busy with something else or when they aren't in a good mood. If you want, you can ask them when a good time to talk would be. Try to choose a time when the house is calm, and your parents are not stressed or distracted by something else.
   • However, don't use picking a good time as a way to continually put off telling them. You will need to tell them eventually, so you might as well get it over with.
3. Practice or write it out. If you're afraid you'll get flustered, it's perfectly fine to write out what you think you'll say. Then practice saying it in front of a mirror. That way, when the time comes, you'll be able to get it out without stopping.
4. Identify what you're feeling. You are hesitating about telling your parents for a reason. Do you think that your parents will be mad because you're dating? Maybe you think they won't approve of the person you're dating. On the other hand, maybe you just prefer to keep your personal life private. Knowing what you're feeling is important because you can use that in the discussion.
   • For instance, if you think that your parents think that you aren't ready to date, you could say, "Mom and Dad, I need to talk to you about something. I've been a little hesitant to tell you that I have a boyfriend because I think you think that I'm not old enough."
5. Get it over with. Once you sit down, you just need to get the conversation over with. Don't beat around the bush. However, you can soften the blow with qualifiers. For instance, you could say, "I really love you two, and I don't want to make you mad. Also, I really want to be honest with you about my life. I want to tell you about the boy that I've started dating."
6. Talk about why you feel you are ready to date. If you are trying to make a case for dating, lay out the reasons why you think you should be able to. For instance, maybe you think that you should be able to date because you are in high school, and most people your age are allowed to date. Be reasonable, and don't get angry if your parents don't agree.
   • Your parents probably won't respond well to "But everyone else is doing it!" However, you can pull statistics off the internet about the average age that people start dating, and you can bring up points about how you've shown your maturity in the last year.
7. Be willing to negotiate. If you're parents don't want you to date and you're asking them to let you, you need to be willing to compromise. Maybe you can suggest that you only see your boyfriend at school or that you only go on group dates with other people. Your parents just want to protect you, so you have to be willing to give up some of your freedom.
8. Discuss the person. Tell your parents about your boyfriend. Talk to them about his family and what you like about him. Highlight his good qualities so they get a sense of who he is. It's also helpful to have a photo for them to see.
   • Your parents will probably have many, many questions. It is advisable to answer every question as honestly and fully as possible to reassure them about your new relationship. If you try to hide or lie about something, your parents may become suspicious and anxious.
   • If your boyfriend has a good relationship with his family, make sure your parents know. This trait is a major plus for many parents because it lets them know that this new guy in your life knows how to value others and can appreciate the tight ties of family.
9. Don't try to hide it. One of the most important things to do if you want your parents to accept your boyfriend is to be the one to tell them about your relationship. If they find out about your relationship from someone else, they may assume that you were trying to hide it because you felt you were doing something wrong.
   • You should tell your parents about your boyfriend even if you do not plan to make any formal introductions any time soon. As a general rule, the sooner you own up to the relationship, the better. Avoiding the conversation will only make it harder to have eventually and will increase the odds that your parents may find out from another source.
   • Once you get older and have already moved out of the house, you do not necessarily need to bring up every date or every boyfriend you have. Wait until a guy comes along that you can exclusively and seriously commit to before getting everyone worked up.

Dealing With Special Circumstances

1. Wait on the negatives. If you know something about your boyfriend is going to bother your parents, don't start out the conversation with that. Instead, wait until the middle or end of the conversation to talk about it. For instance, if your boyfriend is older than you, you might want to hold off on that bit of news until near the end of the conversation.
2. Understand your parents may be upset. If you're going against your parents expectations of you, they are probably going to be upset. You're just going to have to deal with their anger and even tears, until you can get them to see reason.
3. Give it time. It may take a little while for your parents to get used to the idea. If they get upset while you are talking to them and tell you "no," they might change their minds later when they've cooled down a bit. Either way, you need to respect the fact that you still need to have a relationship with them, meaning you can't just write them off as evil because they told you no.

Coming Out as Gay to Your Parents

1. Wait until the time is right. This kind of discussion is a difficult one, especially if you aren't sure how your parents will react. Wait until you feel comfortable having the discussion. It can be hard if you're questioning your sexuality, as your parents may try to convince you're actually not gay.
   • If you show any hesitation about your sexuality, your parents are likely to ask questions such as "Are you sure?" It's okay to discuss your feelings and reservations with them. – Just realize that they may want to ask if you're positive about your feelings. If you're not 100% sure, it's okay. You can have feelings for another guy now, yet decide later that you prefer women. Sexuality can change over time.
2. Do a practice run. While coming out to anybody is difficult, try coming out to someone who you know is sympathetic first. For instance, if you have a gay friend or know someone who is a gay ally, talk to him or her about your sexuality before addressing it with your parents. It's very hard to say the first time, so trying it out on someone else first can make it slightly easier on you when you do go to your parents. Plus, the person may be able to give you some tips if he or she is gay. Just be sure you completely trust the person first.
3. Present them with the facts. If you need to convince your parents, try presenting them with facts about homosexuality. You can find many good resources out there about homosexuality, such as Planned Parenthood's website on the LGBTQ community.
   • It's also good to have materials to give them or websites they can visit to read more about it.
4. Give them time. Many parents need time to adjust to this announcement. Because most parents expect their kids to be straight, they have to change their own thinking about who you are. Let them know it's okay to take time to adjust.
   • For instance, you could say, "I know this announcement is a big one, and I understand if you need some time to adjust to the idea. I know I did."
5. Understand when it's not a good idea. If you know your parents will react very badly because of their beliefs, you may want to rethink coming out to your parents. That is, if you think your parents may kick you out or even be physically violent with you, it's best to wait until you are able to support yourself.
   • You may also not want to tell them if you are emotionally insecure, and you know they would come down very harshly on you.

How to React if Your Parents Disapprove

1. Listen to their concerns. Love can blind us. Your parents might be overreacting to the fact that you have a boyfriend. On the other hand, they probably have some legitimate concerns that you should take into consideration.
   • Calmly and politely ask your parents why they do not approve of your boyfriend. Maybe a trait of his makes them feel anxious, and that anxiety could very well have validity and be something you should think more deeply about. Even if the reasons they give do not seem significant, listening to their doubts and fears will give you an idea of what you need to do to convince them that the relationship is okay after all.
2. Understand their role. Good parents take the job of protecting their children very seriously, so it is only natural that they may have to struggle to accept the fact that you are growing up. Try having a little compassion for them.
   • Along with being compassionate, you should also be respectful. No matter how the conversation goes, you should treat your parents with respect. If you can disagree with them about something in a respectful way, your parents are likely to feel less upset and may eventually be persuaded to change their minds.
3. Determine whether or not to keep the relationship going. Figure out how much the relationship with your boyfriend means to you and how drastically your relationship with your parents might be strained if you continue dating. Weigh the pros and cons of all sides to reach a conclusion about what to do. Yes, of course you love your boyfriend, but your parents will be your parents for life.
4. Keep talking. If you are unwilling to stop seeing your boyfriend, keep bringing the topic up to your parents. The more you talk things through, the better both sides will be able to understand each other. You may even get your parents to relent.
   • You should also provide more opportunities for your parents to get to know your boyfriend. The more time they spend with him, the more accurate their perception of him will be. If he really is a good guy, they might eventually drop their guard long enough to see that.
5. Discuss the matter with your boyfriend. A good guy will understand that winning the approval of your parents is an important step in your relationship. Together, the two of you might be able to figure out some way of convincing your parents to confer their blessing upon you.
   • If your parents have never met the guy, he might offer to introduce himself to them as a way of easing their minds.
   • If your parents offered specific reasons for why they do not approve of your boyfriend, letting him know about these reasons may prompt him to try to fix whatever behavior or condition has them feeling anxious.
6. Ask his parents for help. Discuss your relationship with your boyfriend's parents, and seek their approval. If they approve, they might be willing to talk to your parents and try to persuade them, too.
   • This step can be especially beneficial if you are a teen, and he is your first boyfriend. Adults tend to relate to each other better than they relate to teenagers, so if two respectable adults approach your parents and defend your relationship, offering their assurances about their son in the process, your parents might be willing to take this new evidence into careful consideration.

Related Articles

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Sources and Citations

See also

• Escape from a Drunken Date
• Let Everyone Know You Are Not Dating a Certain Guy
• Attract a Millionaire
• Escape from a Bad Date
• Tell if You Genuinely Like Someone
• Turn Friendship Into Love
• Attract Girls Without Being Annoying
• Attract a Guy
• Marry a Millionaire
• Turn a Girl On

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• Tell Your Mom About Your Boyfriend