Tell Your Partner You're Ready for Sex when You're Autistic

After developing a strong relationship with a partner, you may want to move on to sex. Here is how to communicate this desire to your partner.

Steps

  1. Tell the your partner that you're ready, and wait for them to tell you the same back. If your partner says no or feels pressured, back off.
    • "Hey, I really like where our relationship is going, and I'm wondering if it's time to take it to the next level. What do you think?"
    • "I've been thinking about our relationship, and I wanted to let you know that I'm ready for sex. If you're not, that's fine."
    • Write a note if it's easier for you.
  2. Talk about safe sex. What options are you and your partner open to doing? Usually, if you are not wanting pregnancy, you should use more than one method of pregnancy prevention. Take personal preferences and sensory issues into account when choosing a method.
    • Latex condoms are most effective. (Make sure neither you or your partner is allergic to latex.)
    • Consider vaginal condoms as well.
    • Try hormonal birth control if you plan on having intercourse often.
    • Be aware of emergency contraception, which can be used as a last resort.
  3. Keep Communicate for Better Intimacy in your relationship. In order to be ready for intimacy as a couple, you need to be able to listen carefully to each other and make each other happy. Build a strong relationship before venturing into sex.
  4. Get comfortable with each other's touch. You'll want to understand each other's minds and bodies before taking the next step. Here are some ways you can be physically intimate without sex:
    • Holding hands
    • Cuddling
    • Kissing
    • Massages
    • Napping or sleeping together
  5. If you're anxious about sex, this may make sexual encounters more difficult. If so, try taking brief intervals of just cuddling before you jump back into sex.
    • Don't be afraid to say "Please stop" or "I need a break."
    • If something hurts, say so right away. Sex is not supposed to hurt.
    • Discuss any fears you have with your partner beforehand, so your partner can help you.
  6. Listen to your partner's thoughts. Find out what their desires, concerns, and fears are, so that the experience can be pleasurable for both of you. Good communication is the foundation of a healthy sexual relationship.
  7. Ask questions. Since you may not always understand your partner's cues, you can ask for verbal confirmation. This is common in relationships with non-autistic people too, so don't worry about seeming weird or awkward.
    • "How's this?"
    • "Do you like this?"
    • "Would you like it if I ______?"
    • "Just in case I'm misunderstanding here: are you open to being convinced, or is that a definite no?" (Make it clear that you're okay with a definite no, so your partner doesn't feel pressured.)
  8. Keep things fun and safe. If your partner is not interested in doing something, it's important to stop right away. Here are ways to Know What Constitutes Legal Consent to Avoid Rape Charges:
    • Your partner is playing an active or enthusiastic role
    • When you ask "Do you like this?" your partner says "yes" or smiles at you
    • Your partner does not act distant or upset (looking away from you, being passive, feeling tense, frowning, crying)
    • Nobody is drunk or high[1]
  9. Don't be afraid to ask your partner to lead the way. If you're uncertain what to do, it's totally fine to ask your partner to take the reins (no matter which gender you are).
  10. If they are less experienced than you are, consider waiting to have sex until you have been able to research various positions and practices together. You may be able to use your analytical approach to help them feel empowered.
  11. Talk about it afterwards. What worked for you, and what worked for your partner? What didn't? What do you want to do differently next time? Are you both ready to do it again soon?

Warnings

  • If it turns out you're NOT ready for sex, be honest about it.
  • When in doubt about whether your partner wants sex, ask for clarification, or stop.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ Where Are Consent Lines Drawn With Alcohol?

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