Deal with an Autistic Guy Who Has a Crush On You
So, there's a guy who has a crush on you. Lucky you! It's always nice to know someone thinks you are attractive. You might know he is autistic, or make an assumption based on stereotypes such as his social cluelessness and genuine spirit. Whether you know where he is on the autistic spectrum, there's one way to treat all these guys when they have a crush on you. Here's how to either get him to date you, or get him to back off and move on.
Contents
Steps
Moving from Crush to Dating
- Realize that usual flirting techniques may not work. Meeting his eyes and smiling across a room won't work on a guy who feels uncomfortable with eye contact and doesn't usually notice subtle smiles.
- However, he'll probably pay extra attention to your face, since he has a crush on you, and spend extra energy analyzing your expressions. This means that he'll be more likely to pick up on subtle cues, but he may misinterpret them also.
- Be direct with him. For example, a neurotypical guy might pick up that "There's this really cute guy I like..." might mean him, but an autistic guy is less likely to realize that you aren't talking about someone else. Try to avoid signals that could be misinterpreted.
- You don't have to walk up to him and flat-out announce "I like you." Instead, use the more obvious flirting tactics in your repertoire, and clearly communicate through your words and body language that you're interested. Remember, not everyone likes to be touched.
- It's fine to err on the side of forwardness. Many autistic people are sincere and straightforward, and they enjoy it when people are clear about what they want.
- Ask about his special interests. Many autistic people love to talk about their special interests, and are happy to teach you or discuss back and forth. If you let him know that you're interested, he'll stay interested.
- Give him opportunities to help you. One of the positive traits of some autistic people is a heightened sense of social responsibility, or the desire to help others and fix problems. Open up to him and allow him to help you navigate your problems. It will bring you closer together.
- Admit your crush, when the time feels right. Expect him to get excited, and probably admit he likes you too. If he gets flustered, don't worry; he just needs time to put into words what he wants to say.
- There is a slight chance that he'll panic or overreact. If so, it's probably because he doesn't know what to do (not that he doesn't like you). Give him time.
- Ask him out. Autistic people often have trouble initiating conversations. Instead of gauging his interest by how much he initiates, consider how much he reciprocates. If he's happy when you ask him out, that means he's definitely into you.
- Do not rely completely on autism stereotypes. Autistic people are an incredibly diverse group (just like non-autistic people), and popular perceptions often aren't particularly accurate. Get to know him as an individual, and don't rely on stereotypes.
- Be clear about your feelings along the way. Mixed signals are confusing in general, but even more so for autistic people. If you have a schedule conflict, tell him it's a schedule conflict, and ask to reschedule the date. If you're upset, tell him that you're upset, and why. This will help him respond to you better.
- Love him for who he is, autism and all. That is the greatest gift you can give an autistic person.
Turning Him Down
- Don't take advantage of his interest in you. Since he may be honest and unabashed in his pursuit of you, it may be tempting to put off rejecting him to avoid breaking his heart. This can hurt him, by allowing him to be led on and look like a fool. It's best to "rip off the band-aid" and tell him right away.
- Take him aside and clearly tell him how you feel. Since mixed signals can confuse autistic people, directly explain that you're flattered but uninterested. While he'll feel a little sad, part of him will feel grateful that you were clear with him so he could stop wasting his time wooing someone who didn't want to be wooed.
- Speak as clearly and compassionately as you can.
- Then tell him if you want to be friends or if you think it's better that you go your separate ways.
- Don't offer to be his friend out of pity. You won't be doing him or yourself a favor. Only offer to be his friend if you truly like being with him.
- Continue hanging out as much as you'd like. He will probably be okay with going back to being friends.
- Consider giving him a little space if he seems to be having a hard time. Seeing you might be painful to him for a while, and he may be too polite to say it. If you notice that he seems a little sadder or more distant than usual, it might be time to back off for a little while.
- Set limits as needed. For example, if he likes to spend hours chatting in the evenings, it's okay to say "Hey, I really can't talk with you after 7 pm. I've got plans tonight." You don't have to mention that the plans involve movies and fuzzy pajamas.
- Tell him if he's doing something you don't like. Explain that a specific action makes you uncomfortable or is socially inappropriate. Give reasons if you can. Most likely, he will be apologetic and respectful of your feelings.
- For example, "It startles me and makes me feel uncomfortable when you hug me from behind. Please stop doing that. If you want a hug, you can approach me from the front, or hug somebody else."
- It may feel blunt, but clarity is the best way to get through to him. That way, he won't keep doing something you don't like, and then feel embarrassed or guilty about not noticing the signals later.
- Treat him with compassion. Remember that autistic people, while sometimes socially clueless, are good at heart. Raising your voice or making accusations will hurt him, and you may feel like a bully afterwards.
Tips
- If you want to better understand autism, look up things written by autistic people and autistic-run organization. The hashtags #actuallyautistic and #askanautistic are popular among the autistic community on social media. (The #autism tag is populated largely by parents and siblings.)
- Find out some things you have in common with him, like a hobby, a band, a characteristic, a trait, etc. Autistic people are incredibly passionate about their special interests, and if you share one, you can share many conversations about it.
- If necessary, ask his close friends and family members for tips on dealing with him. They know him best.
- Remember that he's an autistic person, not an alien from Pluto or a five-year-old. Treat him similarly to the way you treat his neurotypical peers. He'll appreciate it.
- Sometimes he'll ask difficult questions; simple things that you just can't seem to answer. He will accept your answer if you simply say "I don't know," although, he may repetitively ask the same question.
Warnings
- If he stalks you or continues violating your boundaries after you've told him not to, ask an authority figure for help.
- Don't tease or make fun of his autistic traits, even if you aren't serious. Autistic people are humans. Many autistic people are belittled by peers, family members, and therapists. Don't join that pattern.
- Don't show your support by promoting organizations that aren't run by autistic people. Many of these groups say hurtful and psychologically abusive things. Always do your research.
