Tell if Someone Is Ignoring Your Calls and Decide What to Do About It

Sometimes it can be difficult to tell if someone is deliberately avoiding you when you phone. This can make you feel anxious, hurt your feelings and create a socially awkward situation. Before you do anything rash, there are a few logical things you can do to determine if you are being avoided. Once you're sure you know where you stand, you'll need some social skills to smooth things between you and your friend.

Steps

Assessing the Situation

1. Check your call log. Check to see if all your calls to your friend have been missed. What’s the ratio of missed calls to answered calls? Notice the call length, the time you called her, how often you call her and whether or not she has called you. If the balance of missed calls, answered calls and placed calls seems off to you, think of other reasons this may be. Perhaps her phone plan is limited or she can’t buy phone credit/minutes/top-up regularly.
2. Determine whether you're calling at a convenient time. Think of things that your friend might be busy with. If you know her well and are aware of her schedule, think of any activities she might be engaged in. Perhaps she’s in a meeting or is driving somewhere. Perhaps this is the time of day she takes a nap or she sleeps early. Has she mentioned any event that she might be attending that is not part of her regular routine? Perhaps her ringer is off/her phone is on silent or the battery needs to be charged. Don’t jump to conclusions. She may have a genuine reason for not answering your call.
3. Consider the state of your relationship. Has anything happened recently that has made things awkward between you and your friend? Can she have any reason for avoiding your call other than being busy? Think about her behavior toward you recently. If she’s been cold, possibly distant, then there’s a possibility that your calls are being avoided.
   • Be careful. Again, be careful not to jump to conclusions. Your assessment of your relationship may be biased. Consider asking an unbiased friend for advice on the matter.
4. Call back at a different time. Pick a time that you know she’s available to talk. When you call, let the phone ring for at least a minute, in case she’s rushing to pick it up. Her phone might just be out of reach or in another room. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

Testing Your Theory

1. Call from a different phone. If she doesn’t answer, call back once. If she still doesn’t answer, leave a message asking her to call you back and give a brief explanation of why you’re calling. Unless you’re in an emergency, resist the temptation to call anyone repeatedly in the hopes your call will be answered. This can be irritating and can be considered rude.
   • If you’re leaving a voice message, keep your message brief and be sure to speak slowly, state your name and your phone number. If you’re calling a number that they share with others (such as a landline number), be sure to state whom you wish to speak to. Speak clearly and calmly. This is especially important if the person you’re calling is an acquaintance or someone you know professionally.
2. Ask a mutual friend if she’s spoken to her recently. It’s possible that your mutual friend knows if your friend is avoiding your calls or if she’s busy with another activity and is unable to attend calls at the moment. Your mutual friend might also be able to give you any indication of whether or not your calls are being avoided.
3. Ask someone else to call your friend. If your call is not answered, have someone else call that person immediately after you do. If her call is answered but yours isn’t, it’s possible that your friend is avoiding your calls.
   • If you’re close to your mutual friend, explain the situation to her. If her call is attended, she might weave into conversation that you were both trying to call and your call was not answered.
   • Make sure you pick a friend who is socially intelligent: pick someone who gets along well with others and whom you’ve seen successfully navigate tricky social situations such as making peace between two friends. A socially intelligent friend will be better able to assess the situation and give you advice.
4. Try an alternative form of communication. It’s possible that your friend has lost her phone or prefers text messages over phone conversations. If you’re close to her, you’ll have an idea of which mode of communication she prefers. Try a social media platform that she frequently uses.
5. Evaluate your relationship. Is this a really close friendship or a family member or someone whom you want a smooth relationship with? Has anything happened lately that could explain her behavior? Were harsh words exchanged recently or did you do something that might have offended her?
   • If the answer to all questions is no, then ask yourself if it’s worth worrying about it. Brush it off, busy yourself with other things and try other means of communicating with her, if you need to. Consider reducing the frequency of your calls if you are still bothered by your friend ignoring you. If nothing else, this will create fewer chances for your feelings to be hurt.
   • If this is a relationship that you want to be smooth, you'll need to put in some effort to make things better.
6. Change your behavior. If you know that something you have done or are doing is the reason your calls are being avoided, try to show you’re sorry or stop doing that particular thing. Pay special attention to the way you behave on the phone. For example, if you know that your friend doesn’t like to gossip but you do, avoid gossiping about others when you call her. Or if you’ve recently hurt her feelings, meet with her or write to her to apologize.
   • Once you make amends with a person, they are not likely to avoid you.
7. Talk to her in person. If changing your behavior does not rectify the situation or if you want to get to the heart of the matter, talk to her about what is going on. Ask to meet her at a time that’s convenient for both of you. Make sure you set aside enough time, in case you have a long discussion. Tell her you’ve noticed that she’s missed your calls lately and you’re wondering why that is.

Confronting Your Friend

1. Speak in a calm and friendly voice. Avoid speaking in an accusatory tone. This is especially important if she's already angry. If you’re confrontational, you might make your relationship worse. Often it’s not what is said but the tone in which it’s said that sours friendships.
2. Be direct. Ask her why she’s avoiding your calls. Ask her if there’s something you’ve done or something that she would like to talk about. Mention specific examples of times you’ve called her. Listen to her explanation patiently and without interrupting. Explain your point of view of the situation. Avoid pointing fingers or laying blame on anyone: you’re trying to solve a problem, not blame someone for the problem..
   • Avoid calling her names and be polite: this will show her that you’re frustrated because you care.
3. Address any problems she brings up. Discuss solutions to any points she raises. This will show her that you want to make things better between you. Try to think of things from her point of view and empathize. Follow through on anything that you think you can do to make things between you better.
4. Move on. Agree to bring up any issues in the future instead of avoiding each other. Avoiding problems doesn’t solve them and often exacerbates them. Accept that some times life becomes busier than usual or that friends grow apart over time. Try to find other ways of staying in touch if it’s difficult for your friend to talk on the phone as often as you used to.

Tips

• Don't go overboard with other means of communication, either! This includes emails, text messages, etc.
• Some people just prefer face to face conversations or communicating through text messages rather than speak over the phone. Find a balance between your preferences.

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• Answer a Cell Phone in Class
• Answer the Phone Politely

Sources and Citations

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