Understand Your Teenage Daughter

Understanding your child, let alone a teenage daughter can be a frustrating experience. Loud arguments, name calling and miscommunication abound when raising a teenager. Instead of perpetuating the pattern, come to understand what makes your daughter tick by talking with and acknowledging her feelings. In doing so, you’ll not only understand your daughter but can develop a lasting relationship with her.

Steps

Talking with Your Daughter

1. Really talk to her. Though you can start by asking how her day at school was, don’t stop there. It’s important for you to really talk with your daughter in order to understand her.
   • Begin the conversation with small, open ended questions such as, “Tell me about your day.” If your daughter doesn’t seem to be responding, let her know you’re there when she’s ready to talk.
   • If you start with broader questions, follow up with more narrow ones. For example, “How was your day?” “Did your chemistry test go well?” “How do you think you did?”
   • Try not to rapidly fire off questions though, as you don’t want her to shut down.
   • Remind her that it’s OK to discuss whatever’s on her mind and that she won’t be judged or criticized for it.
   • Take advantage of talking with your daughter while you’re in the car together. You’ll both be less distracted, plus you can find inspiration for conversations based on what’s happening as you drive.
   • You can use the same method while you’re watching your favorite shows together. Instead of pre-recording the program, use the commercial breaks as an opportunity to chat.
2. Get to know your daughter’s interests. One of the many advantages of talking with your teenage daughter is actually getting to know her. You’ll probably be surprised to learn how much her interests have changed since she was younger. Knowing her interests will help you to relate to her and bond with her.
   • If you notice, for example, that your daughter is into music ask her to tell you about some of the bands she’s interested in now. Tell her you’d like to listen to some of her favorite songs by that group. Even if you don’t like the music, refrain from expressing that.
   • If your daughter is into fashion, ask her to show you some of her favorite online stores. You can spend time looking at clothes together and can even plan a trip to the mall to visit more stores there.
   • One of the goals of getting to know your daughter is understanding what motivates her and what makes her happy. That means learning about her aspirations as well as her inspirations, so understand who your daughter looks up to, whether it’s a friend, older sibling or a celebrity.
3. Talk openly about social media. Many teenagers depend on social media to make them happy. Discuss what social media sites she is on and what she hopes to achieve in using the sites.
   • Keep the discussion from feeling like an inquisition by asking her about some of her favorite sites. You’ll probably be surprised to discover there are sites you have never even heard of.
   • For sites you’re unfamiliar with, ask your daughter to show you around. Learn how the site works and what the basic features are.
   • Ask your daughter about times where she had uncomfortable experiences online. Discuss what steps she takes to protect herself from unwanted attention, such as using privacy settings.
   • Online etiquette should also be discussed. Talk about what type of language is appropriate to use and what cyberbullying means. Most states have rules surrounding cyberbullying, so read up on your state laws prior to the discussion.
4. Have a serious talk about drinking alcohol and doing drugs. Make sure that you discuss the dangers of drinking and doing drugs, without being overly preachy. Talk about some of the repercussions for using drugs and drinking alcohol as a minor.
   • Remember that her brain isn't great at processing risks right now, so help her out by explaining some of the negative consequences associated with drinking.
   • You may want to share some of your experiences to help her feel more at ease about opening up to you.
   • Even though you shouldn't ever encourage her to drink, let her know that you're always available to drive if she is in a bad situation.
   • Reiterate that she should never get into the car with a drunk driver and that you will come and get her, without fear of repercussions.

Acknowledging Her Feelings

1. Let your daughter know her feelings matter. Whether she’s frustrated, embarrassed or angry, let your daughter know her feelings matter too.
   • Don’t roll your eyes or tell her she’s overreacting. For example, respond by saying, “I hear what you’re saying. It sounds like you’re really angry with your friends. That must be difficult.”
   • If you’re in a heated discussion or just having a serious conversation, always give her the opportunity to speak. Don’t just brush off what she says. Make eye contact, nod while she’s speaking and really listen.
   • Repeat back what your teen said so that she knows you have listened to and acknowledged her feelings.
2. Respond with a hug. One of the best ways to validate your daughter’s feelings is to show your support with a hug. Sometimes your teen doesn’t want to talk. Sometimes she’s simply needs your affection and attention.
   • If your daughter is really upset you may want to say, “It sounds like you’re going through a tough time. Can I give you a hug?”
   • A hug can be a good resolution to an argument as well. Take a few minutes to cool off, then approach your daughter and summarize what her side of the argument was. Ask her for a hug afterwards to show that you love and support her.
3. Take mental health issues seriously. You may think she's too young to experience such issues, but if your teen mentions she’s depressed or suicidal, acknowledge what she’s saying and act on it.
   • One in five teenagers are diagnosed with mental health issues, so it’s important to acknowledge her feelings.
   • Although occasional moodiness or bouts of sadness is fairly normal for teenagers, take note if she's withdrawing from friends and family or suddenly has lost interest in all of her favorite activities.
   • Be supportive and let her know she's loved and that this issue is worth your time and attention.
   • Show that you’ve acknowledged her feelings by scheduling an appointment with a mental health professional. Go with her to the appointment, take notes and ask questions about treatment plans.

Respecting Her Need for Independence

1. Understand that teens may challenge your authority to demonstrate independence. These days it may seem as if your daughter is constantly challenging your authority. This struggle for control is perfectly normal, though and is a sign that your teen is seeking greater independence.
   • Your daughter is not only growing physically, but mentally as well. She is forming opinions about how the world works and oftentimes, her opinions do not align with yours.
   • Think of some areas where you can be more flexible and are willing to give up some control, to allow her to be more independent. For example, if you typically shop for and choose her outfits, give your daughter the responsibility of choosing her attire. Set some ground rules for appropriate attire, but ultimately leave the decision up to her.
2. Let her have some alone time. For a teenage girl privacy is very important. Respect her wishes that she might want some uninterrupted time alone once in awhile.
   • Knock on the door before entering and ask her if you can come in.
   • Let her demonstrate responsibility during this alone time. Don’t assume she’s doing something she shouldn’t be.
   • If you notice your daughter is spending too much time in her room and seems withdrawn, you should talk with her about what’s going on. There may be a larger issue at hand, such as depression.
   • If you still have concerns about her spending time alone, talk about expectations and boundaries ahead of time. For example, she shouldn’t expect to have alone time when there’s a boy in the room.
3. Allow independence that’s age appropriate. Let her go out with friends or attend a concert on a school night. Try to find the right balance between being overly protective and completely loose when it comes to rules.
   • Even though she’s getting older, your daughter should still have boundaries. For example, letting her go on a date is fine, but be sure to establish a curfew and discuss appropriate venues for the date.
   • Trust her to spend the night at a friends house without constantly checking in on her.
4. Let her make decisions too. As a parent you tend to make a lot of decisions. However, it’s important to let your daughter in on the process as well, whether it’s establishing a bedtime or setting a curfew; you need to allow her to start making her own decisions.
   • As your teenager transitions into an adult, she needs to practice making decisions on her own. Let her take the lead when it comes to the way her room is decorated or how her hair is cut and styled.
   • You may even want to involve her in family decisions such as where to go on vacation.
   • Every teenager is unique and matures at a slightly different rate. Start with small decisions and see how she does before moving on to bigger ones.

Understanding the Teenage Brain

1. Recognize the teenage brain is constantly changing. Part of understanding your daughter is recognizing that, in addition to all of the other changes occurring, her brain is actually developing as well.
   • Different parts of the brain mature at different times. The parts of the brain associated with things such as impulsiveness, reward and motivation actually mature earlier than parts of the brain associated with weighing the pros and cons of ones actions.
   • As a result, your teenager may not consider consequences in the same way you would. This is why it may be important to discuss risk taking behavior and their consequences, with her.
2. Know that sleep may also be altered due to changes in the brain. It may be difficult to believe, but your daughter's tendency to stay up until the wee hours of the night is due in part to her changing brain.
   • Though the tendency may be to stay up late, lack of sleep further contributes to irritability and depression.
   • It's important to still regulate your teenage daughter's bedtime and to encourage her to get a full night's rest.
3. Understand your teen's emotions are affected by brain circuitry changes. It's not just your imagination; your daughter's emotions are heightened during the teenage years. The intensity of the emotions is also different than yours, so keep that in mind when you're in the midst of a discussion or an argument with her.
   • If you notice your daughter is overreacting, give her some time to cool down. She may react strongly at first, but be sympathetic to the fact that her brain is going through a period of change as well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1qJrWZzx3VY

Tips

• Remember, don't restrict everything, but don't let her run loose either.
• Spend time with her by doing the things she loves.

Warnings

• Always base the level of independence on her age and maturity level.
• Make sure your daughter is mature enough to handle making decisions. Don't force it on her.

Related Articles

• Understand a Teenager
• Accept That Your Parents Don't Understand You
• Act Like a Normal Teenager
• Argue With Your Teenager
• Avoid Misunderstandings Concerning the Intelligent Quotient (IQ) Tests

Sources and Citations

See also

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• Help Your Teen Get a Summer Job
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• Instruct your Teen on How to Drive
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• Know if Your Child Needs Therapy
• Be a Good Parent for Your Teenage Daughter
• Tell if Your Teen Is Cutting
• Deal With Teenage Boys
• Teach Somebody How to Drive

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