Fight Fair in Relationships

How come it's okay to fight to get to the top of your class but not okay to fight with your best friend or confidant to get to the best outcome regarding a difference of opinion you two have over something you both care about? Because you risk damaging the relationship! In other relationships, you can compete with all your energy, but you can't humiliate or destroy your best friend! Just as there are "fair" ways to fight with cancer (i.e. chemo therapy rather than a shotgun), there are fair ways to fight with your spouse or boss.

Steps

  1. Assume the right mind set: so long as you follow the rules of the game, it’s good to have a competitive, heated tennis match with an opponent. The same holds true for an emotional match with your partner. It toughens us, makes us better in that arena, and teaches us a great deal about the other person and how they function, if they are both male. If your opponent is your girl friend or spouse, then watch out! Be extra careful:
  2. No physical violence or emotional abuse while talking/fighting.
  3. No name calling or cussing out the other person. Don't attack their character by saying "I didn't know you were so...", or "You are so..."
  4. Stick to the topic of contention. No bringing up the past, unless that’s the topic.
  5. Avoid exaggerating as in “You always......” or “You never......” or “I’m the only one who ever......”. Statements such as these are useless untruths and do little to enhance problem solving.
  6. If you've forgiven them of something in the past, don't bring it up now as ammunition.
  7. No walking or running out of the fight. If you need a break because you’re getting too emotional to think clearly and remember the fair rules of fighting, ask for a break and agree when the fight will resume. You do not have to say this relationship is over or ask for a divorce: just to take a time-out. Say so!
  8. No ultimatums or threats. The point of fair fighting is not to win but to struggle with your partner until you can come to win/win solutions or compromises. In the meantime enjoy sparring with the other person and sharpening both of your abilities to stay afloat in the world of human realities. DEFINITELY do not threaten to end the relationship unless you MEAN IT. Don't "break up" with the person just to regain control/power.
  9. You forget appreciation at your own peril. Together with critiquing the other person's reasons, be quick to acknowledge when they are right, or on the issue.
  10. No Mind-Reading. Don't say to the other person "You don't even care about me because...", "You think that...", or "You did this because...". Instead of telling the other person how they feel, ASK the other person how they feel.
  11. Keep it relevant to each other. Don't bring up each others family. Don't compare to other people by saying things like "Why can't you be more like [so and so], he always does this or that."



Tips

  • Remember that there's a purpose(s) to fighting with your relationship partner: both need some opportunities to clarify issues, ask for questions about behaviors and express negative feelings.
  • A relationship fight can increase coping abilities and keep power differentials between partners at manageable levels so that the relationship stays balanced. Done right, conflict is very useful to change what needs to be changed, solve problems and harmonize differences.
  • Both can learn how to express disappointments and grievances in a humane, respectful way.
  • The way you communicate affects everyone! These rules can be applied to every relationship; children, family, friends co-workers too. It shows that you care about the other persons mental well being as well as their physical.

Warnings

  • Be aware of the potential for escalation if both sides are not playing fair, and they want more "to win" than to resolve issues. Shouting, insulting, accusing and blaming are tactics that hurt a lot; stop immediately and plan for another day.
  • Don't fight in a relationship unless both partners agree to use the ground rules mentioned above.

Things You'll Need

  • A designated time and place set aside for the "fight", agreed to by both partners and not likely to be interrupted by kids, TV or phone.
  • Also, an agreed upon amount of time for the fight. Stop when time is up. If not finished, get agreement when and where to continue.
  • The chart describing "Fair Fighting Rules" (see Sources below)

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

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