Make Your Partner Come Back to You

Conflict is common in relationships. However, if you find yourself in a situation where a conflict caused a separation in your relationship, there is hope for a positive result. While you may not be able to completely control the outcome, you can focus on mending the broken relationship by first learning to cope with the loss, and then identifying and attempting to solve relationship issues through appropriate communication with your partner.

Steps

Coping with Loss in the Short-Term

  1. Accept the situation. The first step toward trying to mend a broken relationship is to accept how things currently are and give up control over your partner.[1] Acceptance of feelings, thoughts, and situations actually increases your ability to make positive changes.[2] This occurs because practicing acceptance takes the pressure off of the need to control the situation and shifts your focus onto things you really can control such as your own behaviors.
    • Let's say that you and your partner split up because you had a fight about not spending enough quality time together. Out of anger, your partner broke up with you. Try to accept your partner's feelings about the situation (anger), and allow for space to deal with these emotions. Accept that right now you are not together but maintain hope that you may be able to mend the relationship.
    • Remember that your partner has a choice about what whether she wants to be in a relationship with your or not. You may not be able to fully control the outcome of the situation with your partner.
    • Ask yourself questions like, how much can I control in this situation? Is there anything I can do about this?[1] Imagine that your partner broke up with you due to lack of private time together. Can you control that your partner broke up with you? No. But what you can control is how you react to the situation.
  2. Focus on your physical health. Experiencing loss can lead to physical issues such as: headaches, nausea, chills, high blood pressure, heart palpitations, and more.[3] Therefore, it is important to maintain your physical health in order to combat these common symptoms and cope easier with the recent breakup.
    • Make sure you are sleeping at least 8 hours per night. If you are having trouble sleeping, try relaxation techniques such a deep breathing exercises. Simply breathe slowly and deeply in through your nose and out through your mouth, while focusing on how your breathing feels. Do this until you feel completely relaxed or fall asleep.
    • Exercise regularly even if it's just taking a walk around the block. Cardiovascular exercise, such as aerobics or running, can be especially helpful in increasing endorphins in the brain and thus reducing feelings of sadness.
    • Drink plenty of water, and limit caffeine drinks as they may increase anxiety.
    • Eat healthy. Oftentimes, we may turn to junk food or comfort food to make us feel better because food also releases similar endorphins in the brain. However, overeating or eating unhealthy food can make you more stressed, and is not healthy for your body.
  3. Pay attention to your mental health. Experiencing a loss or break-up can lead to all kinds of mental health concerns and negative feelings such as: anxiety, depression, anger, fear, difficulty concentrating, nightmares, memory issues (forgetfulness), impaired judgment, and impulsivity or poor decisions.[3] Due to these possible symptoms and their negative effect, it is critical to acknowledge your specific mental health concerns (everyone is different) and try your best to cope in healthy ways.
    • Be mindful of your emotions and name them. Analyze how you are feeling, is it anger, sadness, or another emotion? How do you experience that emotion? Where do you feel it in your body? For example, when you are angry your muscles might feel very tense, your heart might race, you may experiencing trembling, and you might clench your fists.
    • Understand that some negative emotions are necessary and useful. Guilt, for example, can serve to actually strengthen bonds between people because it often causes the guilty person to want to make up for her behavior by doing something nice for the other person.[4]
  4. Soothe yourself. Often people feel guilty, anger, or depressed when they have relationship issues or are dealing with a recent break-up.[4] It is important to understand how to soothe yourself when dealing with these negative emotions. If you cannot cope in a healthy way, it will be more difficult to appropriately communicate with your partner about getting back together.
    • Use your coping skills for dealing with each negative emotion. For example, if you are feeling angry you might try kickboxing or punching/screaming into a pillow in order to healthily release some of the tension. If you are feeling sad, you might try writing in a journal about your feelings and then watching a funny movie to cheer yourself up.
    • Avoid drinking alcohol or using other substances to cope. You don’t want to be intoxicated and make a bad decision such as trying to talk to your ex. If you are inebriated when communicating this may lead to miscommunication.
  5. Build your confidence. Practice self-acceptance and increase your confidence by owning your weaknesses; this can help you make positive changes.[2]
    • Work on tolerating being alone; try shopping alone, going out to eat alone, going for a jog, etc.
    • Focus on the things you like about yourself and who you are that are independent from your relationship. Remember that you are your own person - with your own unique qualities and talents. One way to focus on your positive qualities is to write down everything you like about yourself, from your hair to your attitude.
    • Try engaging in activities that you are good at. Some examples may include: art, writing, crafts, cooking, exercise, and sports.

Using Communication Skills

  1. Open the door for communication. After a break-up it may seem like a daunting task to re-engage your partner. However, the most important concept associated with initiating contact after a separation is to really listen to your partner and respect her needs.[5] If you attempt to initiate a conversation and your partner is not ready to talk, it is important that you give your ex time and space. You want to show that you are sensitive to your partner's needs.
    • Try reaching out by phoning, texting, or emailing your partner. Simply say something like, "I'd like to talk to you about the situation. Are you open to that?" If you are ignored, do not repeatedly call or text, leave a message and explain that you would like to talk about what happened. You will need to wait until your partner is ready for the conversation.
    • If your partner is open to communicating with you about the break-up, set up a time to meet in person. Public places are a good choice because they are neutral. One option is to go out for coffee. If you prefer more privacy, you could go on a walk together.
    • Avoid showing up at your partner's home, school, or place of business unannounced. This can be viewed as a breach of her boundaries, and could lead to more conflict. Instead, pay attention to your partner's wishes during this time and respect her boundaries; if she is not ready to see you or talk about the issue then forcing it will likely lead to further confrontation.[5]
  2. Communicate face-to-face. When attempting to solve a conflict it may be better to communicate on an issue face-to-face in order to successfully come to a compromise or solution. Face-to-face contact is associated with greater ability to grasp both the content (the message) and context (nonverbal communication such as tone and posture) of what the other person is saying.
    • Avoid texting, email, or phone conversations about issues. Use these forms of communication only to set up a time to meet in person.
    • Try to set up a face-to-face meeting with the person to discuss the problem at hand.
  3. Use assertiveness. Assertive communication is the best tool to use when discussing relationship problems because it focuses on expressing your feelings and needs in an appropriate way.[6] Using assertiveness skills increases the likelihood that your message will be well-received. [7]
    • Be direct, but tactful. If you want to mend the relationship, it may be beneficial to be direct about your desire. For example, you could say, "I really want to patch things up between us; I don't want to lose you."
    • Use “I statements” such as, “I feel ____, when you ______.” For example, you might say, “I feel angry when you walk away while I am trying to discuss an issue with you.” You can also explain what you’d like the person to do next time such as, “Do you think next time we can talk about the issue when it comes up?”
    • Be supportive and empathic. Try to understand where your partner is coming from. Avoid jumping to conclusions or taking things personally. Focus solely on her experience of what happened. Say things like, “I understand that you feel angry. I can see how you would feel that way.”
    • Ask questions for clarification such as, “I am hearing that you are angry at me for not spending enough quality time with you and ignoring you, is that right?”
  4. Avoid aggressive speech and actions. Some examples of aggressive communication and behaviors include: yelling, cursing, belittling, calling names, interrogating, threatening, giving dirty looks, bullying, throwing objects, and hitting.[6] These behaviors are not conducive to enhancing positive relationships.
    • Don't beg her.
    • Don't be overly persistent. Realize when "no" means "no".
  5. Limit passive communication. Passive communication consists of: not saying anything, avoiding, ignoring, hiding, giving in to what the other person wants, an inability to say no when needed, taking all of the blame, apologizing when unnecessary, avoiding eye-contact, and pouting.
    • Do not avoid the problem, this does not result in conflict resolution.[8] Try communicating assertively about how you feel instead.
  6. Engage in conflict resolution. Conflict resolution skills are useful when trying to mend a broken relationship.[9]
    • One important component of conflict resolution is to be able to admit your mistakes. [10] Identify how you contributed to the separation and own up to them to your partner. Apologize for these behaviors.
    • Point out the positive aspects of the relationship and the characteristics that you admire in your partner. It may be especially helpful to bring up aspects that you admire about her that are related to your breakup. For instance, you might say, "I know I was angry, but I really appreciate that you were able to speak your mind and tell me that you wanted to spend more quality time together."
    • Focus on collaboration, instead of compromising any of your values. Come to an agreement together that is a win-win situation. Have realistic expectations of the outcome.
  7. Commit to positive changes. Marriage and relationship experts stress the idea of focusing on solving your solvable problems and letting go of differences that are not solvable or worth the effort.[11] For example, solving the issue of your partner making critical comments is a solvable issue that can be corrected through learning appropriate communication skills such as assertiveness. However, the issue of your partner having a certain personality trait (such as extroversion) that you do not like may not be a solvable issue; some characteristics of individuals may not be malleable.
    • Begin by asking your partner directly what she would like to change about the relationship. If this is a request that you believe you can compromise on, then you can work toward a solution together.
    • Let your partner know that you are willing to make the specific changes that are necessary to mend the relationship. You can say, "I commit to ____, ____, and ____." For example, you could say, "I commit to spending more quality time with you, responding when you text or call me, and controlling my anger."
    • Some options for working toward positive changes are engaging in couples therapy to work out issues, or going to a retreat or relationship education course.[12][13]

Identifying and Mending Relationship Problems

  1. Recognize the reason for separation. In order to work toward mending a relationship, you first need to understand what led to the separation.
    • Try making a list of everything that you think contributed to the problem. This will help you organize your thoughts and identify what may need to be done to mend the relationship. For instance, this might look like: anger, lack of time together, ignoring the problem, not responding quickly enough, walking away from conversations instead of dealing with them, and putting down the other person.
    • Try completing a relationship worksheet which identifies your/your partner’s situation or concern, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and the ultimate outcome.[14]
  2. Forgive. Forgiveness is associated with higher chances of having a resolution to a conflict.[8] This is due to the notion that forgiving another person may produce a more positive outlook and emotional state overall. Instead of dwelling on what the other person did wrong, you accept her faults and mistakes.
    • You do not necessarily need to forgive the person face-to-face initially. You can practice forgiveness by trying to understand where the other person is coming from (empathy). Remind yourself that mistakes are human.
  3. Do positive things for the person. Engaging in pro-social behaviors can serve to mend broken relationships because positive actions may help the other person appreciate you and focus on the good aspects of the relationship.[4]
    • Examples of pro-social behaviors are: apologizing, offering to pay for something, giving a gift, doing favors, giving complements, and helping out.
    • Avoid insulting the person or engaging in anti-social behaviors such as: avoiding the person, yelling, hitting, throwing objects, etc.
  4. Reconnect. Some of the most important components of a healthy relationship are connection, intimacy, admiration, and support.[11] Focus on reconnecting and spending quality time with your partner.
    • Set up a date with your partner where you can focus on reconnecting instead of focusing solely on discussing the problems within the relationship. This can take the pressure off and remind your partner of the positive connection within the relationship. Some examples of fun and intimate dates are: going out to a romantic dinner, having a picnic in the park, walking on the beach, going for a hike, or watching the sunset together.
    • Express your admiration for your partner by telling her what you appreciate about her.
    • Agree with your partner as much as possible if you can in order to reduce the likelihood of a conflict. If your partner brings up any issues, simply validate her feelings.[11]
  5. Engage in stress-free activities together. Research shows that stressful situations increase negative thoughts about the relationship.[15] Thus, in order to increase positivity about the relationship and encourage your partner to reconnect with you, you will want to reduce stress levels as much as possible.
    • Invite your partner to do something fun and relaxing such as cooking a meal together (as long as it's easy!), sitting in a hot tub, getting a couples massage, or sitting by a fire with a glass of wine.
    • Try to reduce the amount of stress in the situation by having dim lighting as opposed to bright lights, lighting aromatherapy candles or having other positive smells, playing soothing music, and controlling the room temperature.
    • Avoid potentially stressful situations such as: driving in traffic (or at all), loud situations such as going to a club/bar or concert, and any activities involving very hot or cold temperatures.

Warnings

  • Do not engage in dangerous or illegal behaviors such as stalking your partner.[16]
  • Don't make empty promises to your ex that you know you're not going to keep after you get them back.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/BeyondControl.pdf
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://citeseerx.ist.psu.edu/viewdoc/download?doi=10.1.1.362.5856&rep=rep1&type=pdf
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://services.unimelb.edu.au/counsel/resources/publications/coping_with_loss
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 4.2 http://www.dartmouth.edu/~thlab/pubs/97_Estrada_etal_Guilt.pdf
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201304/four-steps-relationship-repair-the-h-e-l-technique
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/CommunicationStyles.pdf
  7. ↑ http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/Assertiveness.pdf
  8. ↑ 8.0 8.1 https://www.ffri.hr/~ibrdar/komunikacija/seminari/Fincham,%202004%20-%20Conflict%20resolution%20in%20marriage%20and%20forgiven.pdf
  9. ↑ http://scholarsarchive.byu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=2318&context=etd
  10. ↑ http://www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/pdfs/fcs-466-4.pdf
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 11.2 bettermarriagessv.org/articles/principals.doc
  12. ↑ http://www.researchgate.net/profile/Rita_Demaria/publication/227657854_Distressed_couples_and_marriage_education*/links/0046351d6c3a207d0f000000.pdf
  13. ↑ http://espace.library.uq.edu.au/view/UQ:119886/UQ_AV_119886.pdf
  14. ↑ http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/RelationshipWorksheet.pdf
  15. ↑ http://austinmarriageproject.com/yahoo_site_admin/assets/docs/Neff__Karney_2004.220155122.pdf
  16. ↑ http://www98.griffith.edu.au/dspace/bitstream/handle/10072/13695/33843_1.pdf?sequence=1
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