Ask a Girl Out Platonically

You want to ask a girl out, but you don't want her to have expectations of any type of intimate relationship. You are not looking for a girlfriend, just to hang as friends. Follow these easy steps and it should be no problem.

Steps

Asking Her Out Platonically

  1. Choose a semi-busy, casual setting to ask the question. Again, the best tip is to not take things so seriously, so don't bother to wait until you're alone to ask -- this just makes it feel more like a date. Instead, pop the question in the hall, during lunch, or in the break room. If other people are around, and you don't seem like you're asking a super important question, she'll get the hint that it is platonic.
    • If you're in a group, invite her out with everyone else. Having a large group of friends together will make the date obviously platonic.
  2. Have an event or activity in mind before asking. Simply asking, "do you want to hang out," without having an idea where will just lead to awkwardness. Furthermore, having something already in mind makes it easier to just be casual about it -- "hey, want to see that concert we talked about this weekend."
    • In general, don't invite her out to dinner. This is almost always "date" territory.
    • Any activity with lots of people (mini-golf, museum tours, etc.), or common hobbies you share (biking, rock climbing, playing music, etc.) are fantastic platonic options.
  3. Keep the conversation light and friendly, not serious or romantic. The best way to accomplish this is to not think about it for too long. Just go ahead and ask, keeping it light and fun. The best way to do this is to simply ask her when you think of the activity instead of planning out the perfect worlds. Remember -- if you want the date to be purely friendly, you need to treat her like a friend. So stop worrying too much about the words and just chat.[1]
  4. Be upfront about you desire not to date. It may seem a little strange or abrupt at first, but everyone will be much happier and more relaxed if you don't have to guess whether or not you're dating. Simply open up with an open, honest desire to get to know her as a friend:
    • "Hey, I don't want you to think I'm hitting on you, but -- "
    • "You seem like a really cool person, and I'd love to hang out as friends sometimes?"
    • "I'm new here, and am looking to meet some new friends. Let's be friends!"
  5. Offer for her to bring some friends along too. This is a clear, considerate way to indicate you're not looking for romance. When you ask her out on the platonic date, tell her to let her friends know as well. The cliche, "the more the merrier," isn't exactly romantic, but that's the point. Asking her to group events will be much easier.

Keeping the Date Platonic

  1. Watch your body language. Some joking poking and prodding, a light hug, and sitting next to each other is fine, but brushing her shoulders or cheeks, snuggling up next to each other, and (of course!) kissing are going to send a very different message. The best ground rule is to act like you were with any other friend, of any gender. Don't overanalyze every gesture or move -- that's what people do on dates! Just be yourself.
    • Try not to touch each other much -- especially if you construe it at all as sexual. If you feel like things are romantic, they are, so move on or find a way to create some distance.[1]
  2. Let her pay for her own things. If one of you is buying the other's dinner or the movie tickets, you're starting to steer yourself into dating territory. Let her buy her food, and you buy yours. Remember, going out platonically is just like going out with friends -- and you wouldn't buy your buddy's taxi ride just for nothing.
  3. Act like friends, and don't treat her any more special than anyone else. If you're your normal, friendly self, then you shouldn't have anything to worry about. Whenever you're together, try not to overthink things or worry about signals. Just relax and be a friend, like you would with any of "the guys." The more you keep things friendly in general, the more platonic you'll come off when you ask her out.
    • You shouldn't treat her like "girlfriend-lite." You want to treat her like a normal friend whose opinion you admire and who you like spending time with.
  4. Mention your significant other, if you have one, to show you're not interested in dating. One of the best ways to make it obvious that the date is platonic is to talk about the person you're actually dating. Even if you're not currently seeing anyone, you may feel comfortable enough to mention that you're not interested in dating, though you have to see how to conversation plays out. Some ways to be subtle include:
    • "You like that band? My girlfriend loves them too!"
    • "You would get along great with _______, I'd love you to meet her."
    • You should also ask about her love life -- asking "who are you crushing on?" or "any luck finding a new man?" will show that you're just friend's gossiping.[2]
  5. Keep your plans loose. If you run into other friends, go join them. If she suggests something different to do, or you change your mind, go with the flow. Don't worry about keeping things perfect or "running" the date well. This is just two friends hanging out, and overthinking things tends to give the impression of a "real" date.
    • Do not invite her back to your place, especially if you're just getting to know one another.

Managing Changing Feelings

  1. Determine where you stand on a potential romantic relationship. Do you want to get to know her better in the hopes of dating down the line, or do you want to keep things firmly friendly? Both are perfectly fine, but you should take some time to think about this, especially if she seems to be developing feelings or wanting more. Be honest with yourself, and what you want, and it will be much easier to handle and changing feelings.
  2. Maintain your boundaries. There comes a point where, unless you're looking to move forward into romance, you're just going to have to hang out with other people. This line is different for everyone, and a lot depends on your personal boundaries. That said, some good ground rules include:
    • No sexual contact of any kind, including kissing. This is especially important when drinking, as the "friendly hook-up" sounds like a much better idea than it is.
    • See other people of both genders. A large, varied friend group can keep you from becoming too dependent on each other.
    • Be honest, especially if one of you develops feelings. Holding and hiding things tends to let the feelings balloon up and grow until they are much harder to manage.[3]
  3. Hang out in groups, not just one on one. Romantic dates are almost strictly two people affairs, but platonic friends tend to hang out in groups. This doesn't mean you can't ask a girl out platonically by herself. Rather, you should feel comfortable hanging out with others as well, sending the message that you're interested as friends, not as partners.
    • Inviting her to group events shows that she is part of the gang -- a valued friend instead of a special someone.
  4. Know that the occasional temptation doesn't mean you can't be friends anymore. By definition, platonic friends are those that could have a sexual relationship but don't. So it is only natural that you'll occasionally feel a spark of something more, even if you don't want to pursue it. This is fine, as long as you stay honest with yourself.
    • Always ask, "is giving in to this temptation worth potentially losing my friendship?"[4]
    • If you feel her getting interested, or flirting, don't flirt back. You don't have to say anything about it, but you shouldn't condone the behavior unless you want to send mixed signals.

Tips

  • At a dance, approach the girl. Smile and say, "Hey, do you want to dance?" Take her for a dance, and leave on a good note. It's as easy as that!
  • Also, if you want to be her friend, try adding her on a social networking site like Tumblr or Facebook. It establishes you as a friendly person right off the bat, and most girls won't turn down a friend invite.
  • A good idea would be to invite other people along so it's not just you and her.
  • When you ask her out in a friendly way, make sure it is friendly and not awkward.

Warnings

  • She might still think that you are asking her out. If you know her and are good friends with her, try to find a way to get through to her without hurting her or yourself.
  • Make sure you explain to her you just want to remain friends. Normally, she will understand, although she might be a little disappointed. Be sure to do this in a kind, down-to-earth manner, taking anything you know about her feelings into consideration.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/how-be-friendly-not-flirty-male-friends
  2. ↑ http://thoughtcatalog.com/rachel-hodin/2013/11/how-to-keep-your-platonic-relationships-platonic/
  3. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/01/26/platonic-friendships-and-marriage_n_4638100.html
  4. ↑ http://thoughtcatalog.com/gillian-bennette/2014/04/13-tips-for-ensuring-that-your-platonic-friendship-survives-the-friend-zone/
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