Assess Your Relationship Stage

Most relationships go through distinct stages, each one with different challenges and characteristics. You might not pass through each stage or each step in your relationship. It can be challenging to determine which stage you're in, but each stage of a relationship is an opportunity to explore compatibility and level of commitment. Whether you’re in a new relationship, building a more serious relationship, or in a long-term committed relationship, you should take time to assess where you and your partner are at.

Steps

Assessing a New Relationship

  1. Determine if you're still new to each other. The early stages of a relationship are characterized by infatuation and spending more time with someone. Observe if you're still asking about the person's likes and dislikes, his hobbies and interests, and his beliefs. Notice if you are evaluating his personality characteristics and habits to see if they’re compatible with you.[1] You’ll want to assess if you’re comfortable enough to continue being around him. For example, you may ask yourself:[2][1]
    • Is this person caring and friendly?
    • Is this person controlling or mean?
    • Does this person have a tendency to be unhappy or irritable?
    • Is this person generally fun to be with?
  2. Notice if you're focused on physical attraction. Notice if you idealize your partner, get easily excited by her, or think of her frequently.[3] If you are not able to recognize her flaws, then you're still in the romantic infatuation stage.[4] You're probably experiencing these physical signs of attraction when your partner enters a room:[5]
    • Blushing.
    • Trembling hands.
    • Racing heart.
    • Feeling weak or faint.
  3. Look out for attempts to impress. Ask yourself if you are on your best behavior, go out of your way to please the other person, or make attempts to flatter and flirt. If so, you're likely still in the infatuation stage of dating, where there is more pressure to impress and build connection. You’ll be so excited by the attention you’re getting that you’ll try your best not to make a mistake.[6]
    • For example, you may spend extra time getting ready for dates, say “yes” to activities you might not normally do, buy or wear nicer clothes, and spend more time with him than by yourself or with other friends.
    • Keep in mind the importance of boundaries. For your relationship to grow and be successful, you’ll need to learn to be authentic and stop trying to impress your partner all the time. Giving up time with friends and family is not healthy for your relationship long-term.[2]
  4. Assess if you've committed to dating. If you're spending more time together, feeling more comfortable with her, and getting to know her beyond the basics, you're now in an exclusive dating relationship. At this stage, you'll be discovering who the person really is and observing your compatibility on a deeper level. Ask yourself if this person:[1]
    • Understands how to comfort you and provide support.
    • Trusts you and is comfortable being honest with you.
    • Respects your family and friends.
    • Understands your sense of humor.
  5. Pay attention to expectations As you begin to date more, you’ll likely establish expectations of one another. Your expectations may be different and may affect the ability for your relationship to last. If you're considering these qualities and needs more, you're moving out of the infatuation stage and into a post-honeymoon type stage of more realistic love.[7][2] Think about:
    • How you like to spend your free time, whether with friends or together.
    • How much alone time you need.
    • Who will pay for things when you go out together.
    • How much physical touch or affection you need.

Assessing an Established Relationship

  1. See if you are accepting of your partner's imperfections. Are you aware the other person’s faults and quirks? If so, then you’re in a normal phase of realistic love in which you may no longer see your partner through rose-colored glasses, but instead start to notice the things that might annoy or irritate you. It's okay to notice these things — no one is perfect, and your partner is going to start noticing quirks and imperfections about you, too. What's important is figuring out if you can accept these things about your partner.[8]
    • Are you starting to notice that your partner never cleans up the dishes after eating? Or have you noticed larger issues you may need to work on, like that he often says he is fine when he's actually very upset?
    • If you cannot tolerate the other person's faults at this stage, or feel that they are things that the two of you cannot work on, you might decide to move on from the relationship.[1]
  2. Observe how you manage miscommunication. Once you start to become more intimate with your partner, you’ll likely have more arguments and disagreements. If you're willing to compromise and put your partner or the relationship first, then you're beginning to be in a more committed and content phase of your relationship.[1] Disagreement is unavoidable, but you can learn to communicate better with your partner by:[9]
    • Listening attentively
    • Avoiding judgments or blaming
    • Asking for clarification
    • Rephrasing or repeating to show you understand
    • Talk about hard topics such as hurt feelings
  3. Determine your level of trust. Ask yourself if you can get what you need from one another. The success of building a relationship will depend on if you can trust each other to be there. If you are both turning toward one another and listening to each others’ needs, rather than getting angry or denying what your partner needs, then you are certainly in a phase of contentment.[7][5] To assess your level of trust, ask yourself if you are able to:[10]
    • Be vulnerable in sharing your concerns and insecurities to your partner.
    • Be open to what the other person is feeling.
    • Avoid getting angry, jealous, or possessive.
  4. Listen for talk of the future.If you’re in a healthy, contented relationship, you’ll start to share dreams for your future together at this point. You’ll start imagining more possibilities with one another. You’ll feel comfortable sharing with your partner what you see for your future.[11] You can ask yourself if your partner:[1]
    • Is invested in growing with you
    • Has similar ideas about marriage and family
    • Is motivated to make and achieve goals with you
  5. Notice if you're establishing a shared life. In the contentment or co-creation phase, you’ll face new challenges and may have to put your relationship first.[7] You'll also recognize your partner’s need and your own need for independence, while still working to establish a new routine and life now that you’re more of a team.[1] In this phase, it’s common you’ll have to negotiate new roles and rules because of:[6]
    • Adopting a pet
    • Moving in together or buying a house together
    • Thinking about engagement or marriage
    • Sharing or merging finances

Evaluating a Committed Relationship

  1. Work as a team. Notice if you are continuing to build commitment and loyalty by working together. Relationships take continual work and support, even if you know each other well and have been together for a long time.[3] In a more mature stage of love, you will:[11]
    • Rely on each other.
    • Fulfill or follow through on promises made.
    • Feel comfortable with the roles and responsibilities you’ve established with each other.
    • Feel comfortable going to your partner when you’re struggling.
  2. Pay attention to boredom. Once you’ve been committed for awhile and some of the romance has faded, it can be difficult to know if you’re still in a healthy relationship. Examine if you’re feeling bored or frustrated with your routines with your partner. If so, you may be experiencing stagnancy.[12]
    • Schedule time for something fun.
    • Do something active together.
    • Be open to new activities.
    • Try something you each enjoyed as kids.
    • Avoid activities that are too competitive.
  3. Anticipate your partner's wants and needs. At the committed stage, partners usually know each other very well, and can anticipate what the other may need during hard times or on a daily basis. Knowing and caring for your partner's needs before she asks is a great way to care for her daily.
    • For instance, if you know your partner has had a stressful day, take it upon yourself to have dinner ready when she gets home from work and do the clean up, too. Or if she's been going through a rough time, encourage her to have a girl's night with her friends — let her know she shouldn't feel guilty for not including you, and to go out and enjoy herself.
    • If you aren't sure what your partner's wants and needs are, then you need to have a discussion. Sit down and ask her what she wants and needs from the relationship, and don't interrupt her or get defensive. Then take your turn.
  4. Notice if you take time for your relationship.If you have children and/or jobs, it can be difficult to maintain a healthy, stable, loving relationship in the face of other tasks and roles. Notice if you’re multi-tasking more, making more time for the kids or work, and spending less one-on-one time with your partner. If so, you may be experiencing stagnancy and need to remember to:[13][14]
    • Express appreciation to your partner. You might say, “Thank you for making me coffee this morning. You make it so much better than I do and it saves me time. I love that you do that for me.”
    • Express affection. Know what your partner likes and surprise him with it. It could be a hug, a simple “I love you,” a card, or flowers.
    • Listen to your partner. Take 20 minutes every day with each other to listen to what happened in your lives. Don’t try to fix anything or judge, just listen and decompress together.
  5. Look out for continued respect. If you continue to treat your partner as valuable, even if you disagree with her opinions, you're in the commitment phase. You'll be able to once again accept your partner for who she is, faults and all. You'll learn to manage or let go of your expectations of your partner at this stage. If you can't, or if you notice increased conflict or disrespect in your relationship, seek counseling.[10]
    • Violence is not healthy or acceptable at any relationship stage. Seek help from a counselor or domestic violence shelter if your partner become violent or verbally abusive.

Tips

  • During later stages of the relationship, when you may be focused on your job, children, or other responsibilities, don’t forget to continue to nurture and communicate with your partner.
  • Seek counseling if you struggle with communication, trust, or unmet needs in your relationship.
  • Keep an open mind during the initial “romantic” stage of the relationship––you may be seeing your partner with rose-colored glasses and certain warning signs or problems that may be apparent to others may not be visible to you.
  • Don't start telling everyone that you're dating someone if you aren't exactly sure about your relationship status yet.
  • Seek help and safety if fights or arguments become aggressive, violent, or physical. You do not have to stay in a violent relationship.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 http://couragetobloom.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/02/Stages-of-Relationship-by-Elsbeth-Martindale1.pdf
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 https://www.csbsju.edu/chp/health-promotion/health-resources/healthy-relationships
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-many-stages-are-there-in-a-romantic-relationship/#.V3wJD7grLIU
  4. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/07/13/the-5-stages-of-intimacy-in-a-relationship/
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-3-phases-of-love/
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 http://wespsych.com/stages-of-a-healthy-relationship/
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 7.2 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/get-some-headspace/201307/mindfulness-and-the-phases-relationship
  8. ↑ http://www.eharmony.com/blog/how-many-stages-are-there-in-a-romantic-relationship/#.V4FLCLgrLIU
  9. ↑ http://well.wvu.edu/articles/the_language_of_love__communication_skills_for_couples
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 https://www.campbell.edu/pdf/counseling-services/characteristics-of-healthy-romantic-relationships.pdf
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/rediscovering-love/201304/seven-ways-evaluate-your-intimate-relationship
  12. ↑ https://extension.usu.edu/files/publications/publication/FC_Relationships_2011-04pr.pdf
  13. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/5_hours_to_a_better_relationship
  14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/201010/10-ways-make-your-relationship-magically-romantic
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