Be Happy and Love Yourself Even when Everyone Puts You Down

Being put down is a largely negative experience that few people enjoy. Bouncing back from a put down or a series of difficulties involves lots of strength and love for yourself. Luckily, learning to love yourself will maintain your happiness and help you be more resilient when life and other people get you down. Follow these steps to treat yourself with compassion, regardless of the circumstances you find yourself in.

Steps

Handling Emotional Fallout from Put-Downs

  1. Respond with finesse. Learning assertiveness and the finesse of pointing out the harmful, critical patterns of others in a loving and productive way is in an important step toward dealing with put downs. Cultivate power by standing up for yourself and altering the environment to prevent future put-downs.
    • Being assertive is different than being aggressive. Try speaking clearly and maintaining eye contact while being a receptive listener[1]
    • Communicating assertively can help increase self confidence, gain the respect of others, improve decision-making skills, and enable conflict resolution[1].
  2. Accept reality. Often people are too different to be able to see eye to eye. You will come across many people who don't make you feel particularly good to be around, and others will feel the same way about you. The key is to see that, even though not all people are meant to be friends, this does not make you or the other person bad. Incompatibility is just another part of life that we can learn to respond to with grace or with defensiveness and cruelty. When somebody puts you down, it's about that person and not you. Here are the top reasons people might criticize you[2]:
    • They are threatened by your competence, attractiveness, etc. so they are trying to level the playing field.
    • They have a concern about your motivation, skill level, performance or contribution.
    • They feel you are not doing your share of the work or being a team player.
    • They have a strong unmet need that is not being satisfied.
    • They have a controlling personality and have to be in charge.
    • They feel entitled to special treatment or status and do not feel they are receiving it.
    • They want to make you look bad so as to advance their own position or curry favor with the bosses, etc.
    • They feel insecure and are overcompensating.
    • They think you are making them look bad in front of others.
  3. Take stock of your choices. When we feel hurt or put down, it is easy to take the position of the victim and assume there’s nothing we can do to change these bad feelings. Seeing that there are always choices you can make to improve your situation, try to think about your options for responding and your approach moving forward.[3]
    • For instance, if a peer at school consistently puts you down, remember that you always have the choice to ignore that person entirely. If you feel that this is not the best way to handle the problem, think about who can get involved to help you assert your desire for some distance.
    • In a public forum, such as a meeting, you may want to argue for the value of your decision or work and correct any misperceptions[2].
    • With family or friends, you may want to let them know that you genuinely want to understand their concerns, but that you don't always agree. Depending on the situation, you may want to assert yourself by saying, "Let's agree to disagree."[2]
    • With aggressive children or teenagers, you may want to acknowledge that their feeling is legitimate, but that they need to work on a more respectful delivery[2].
  4. Learn to re-frame your current situation. If you've just been put down, you probably feel embarrassed, upset, or filled with a sense of injustice. While these feelings shouldn't be denied, see that they also offer you paths besides feeling stuck in them.[3] View the put down as a learning experience that is giving you practice for how to be more resilient in the face of whatever comes.
    • After all, life is full of situations that we wouldn't necessarily choose, and the way we respond to these situations is the difference between ruminating in sadness and getting excited about how much hurt you can learn to let go of
    • Understand what happened on your own terms. Ask yourself, according to your own values: What went well? What didn’t go well? What can I do better next time?[4]
    • Try practicing mindfulness in the moment. It can be helpful to remove yourself from the hurt emotions and take a moment to ask what the put downs say about the other person.
  5. Check your thinking for negativity traps. It is much easier to look realistically at what has happened to us and where we can go from the put-down when we drop thoughts that skew our thoughts into exaggerated, negative evaluations of our situations. The following are some examples ways of thinking that make it difficult to see the reality of our situation:[5]
    • Fortune telling is when we assume that things will turn out badly without having any real basis for this prediction.
    • Black-and-white thinking is when we only look at things in terms of extreme judgments. In black-and-white thinking everything is either good or bad (even if reality tells us that things are too complicated for this sort of judgment).
    • Mind-reading is when we think we know what others are thinking (and it’s usually the worst about us!) In reality, we can’t know what others are thinking.
    • Labelling is when we choose a simple label like “stupid” or “ugly” to describe a behavior, situation, or person that is much too complex to be summed up in just one word. Labels are usually negative and make us forget the other aspects in play.
  6. Seek meaning from put downs. It is easy to ask yourself, "Why me?" in tough situations. Getting stuck in the "why me" mindframe can make it hard to see the lessons that always come with hardships. Seek meaning by changing "Why me?" questions to questions like "What do I now see about why and how some people put others down?" or "What can I do to play a role in stopping the cruelty that I have experienced?"
    • The most resilient people come up with constructs about their suffering, ways to see the message that they are receiving about life through their suffering. This is means the situation is meaningful despite being uncomfortable.[6]
  7. Laugh off the put down. In many situations, the putdown that you hear will have very little to do with who you are and what happened in reality. In these cases the put down may not even be worth gratifying with serious consideration about the incident or what you could have done differently.
    • Think about the absurdity of judging yourself based on one single instance. It doesn't make much sense to think that one slip-up or one person's opinion of you should factor into your sense of who you are, does it?
    • Try laughing about the fact that you are much more complex than one putdown could possibly capture.
  8. Shift your focus to something you can control. There are so many things that we cannot control, including others’ decisions. So, bouncing back can be made easier by rediscovering your ability to have a positive impact.[7] Work on something that you can control, like an art project or a challenging new assignment at work or in school. Observe yourself being dedicated to something (and rocking it!) to remember that you are capable of contributing lots of good to the world around you.
  9. Seek social support. Friends, family, and other supportive relationships in your life are very important to your ability to bounce back from putdowns. Make sure that you have people in your life who will listen to you speak freely about painful experiences without judgment.
    • Keep your support system close, even when these people are not with you physically. When you feel kicked around by the world, think about these people. What do they show you about the good in your personality? How does it feel to be around them? Then, you can be the person you are when you're around them even in their absence.
  10. Know when to seek outside help. If you are being put down time and time again by the same person or group of people, you may be a dealing with bullying. Bullying is a serious offense, and it's important to reach out to your teachers, parents, or counselors who can help put an end to the problem. The following are signs that you are being bullied and should seek help:[8]
    • The put down involves actions like making threats, spreading rumors, launching physical or verbal attacks, and purposeful exclusion.
    • The person bullying you has power over you, like physical strength, popularity, or access to information that can be used to harm or embarrass you.
    • The behavior happens more than once and has the potential to continue.

Learning to Love Yourself More

  1. Shed shame. If you are trying to love yourself more, shame is one of your worst enemies--it tells you that simply being you is something fundamentally bad or wrong.[9] Since shame is usually directed toward the parts of you that you try to hide, writing about your deeper feelings (even the ones that make you embarrassed or disgusted) can help you come to understand that there is nothing wrong with what's inside. When you journal, write about the difficulties and pains that you encountered throughout the day, including things you judged yourself about.[10]
    • For each painful moment or event, practice re-framing the experience through a lens of compassion. Think about what you learned from what happened and be generous to yourself regarding how you acted, knowing that you have plenty of opportunities to respond differently.
    • Try writing in a journal each day for a couple weeks to get comfortable with your own perspective. You might be surprised when you read back over your entries--look at this inquisitive, sensitive person who must've been writing!
  2. Work on self-acceptance. In a world so focused on progress and improvement, we can easily forget the importance of accepting the things about ourselves that we cannot change. You have unique gifts and shortcomings that make you who you are. Acceptance of yourself and your feelings, rather than forcefully shutting them out, can help you to work with what you have. This will help you discover who you are and what you're truly capable of (and not just what you think you should be capable of).
    • Acceptance has been shown to contribute directly to self-love by reducing the shame that tells us that we are not good enough or that we would be more desirable people if we could feel and act otherwise.[11]
    • One thing that everyone must accept is that the past cannot be changed or overwritten. Since this is the case, focus on the future--what you do have control over is how you learn from and respond to the situations that you find yourself in currently.
  3. Develop your values. Strong values are help fill our lives with meaning that is personal to us. This is because knowing your values offers you ways to understand what's happening around you.[6] Your values will also clue you in to the put downs that matter to you in the grand scheme, and let you know when these setbacks are just insignificant bouts of negativity that can be ignored.
    • For example, say your values prioritize celebrating accomplishments and you go out to a restaurant with friends to celebrate a promotion. If you get some eye-rolls from neighboring tables for wearing party hats and glitter, who cares? You are acting according to your values and not others' standards for proper celebratory behavior.
  4. Take responsibility for your general well-being. Are you on top of the habits that contribute to your overall lifestyle? Pay attention to the things that are very important but easily slip through the cracks, and take care of yourself as if you are caring for a loved one (because you are!).
    • Do you eat well? Ask yourself whether or not you have consistent means to provide yourself with nutrient-rich foods that your body needs.
    • How much sleep are you getting? Do you frequently feel tired during the day due to lack of steady sleeping habits?
    • What about exercise? Getting 30 minutes of brisk cardiovascular exercise each day improves mood, overall functioning, and reduces risk of chronic illnesses[12].
  5. Focus on your interests. Spend time by yourself learning what you like to do or fostering hobbies and interests that you already have. Seek out your passions and talents and dedicate a certain amount of time doing what you love each week. Maybe your thing is writing short stories or cooking the meals your mom used to make when you were young. By simply reconnecting with your favorite activities you make your world a little more accommodating to your deeper needs that are easily overlooked when work, school, and other duties stress you out.
  6. Learn to relax. In our fast paced world, relaxation is hard to come by--and all the more important because of its rare occasion. When you intentionally take steps to relax, you are giving yourself a great gift and affirming to yourself that you deserve this break at the same time. The following are some tools you can learn in order to put together an effective relaxation regime for whenever you should need it:

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Assertive
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 2.2 2.3 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201408/the-30-most-common-reasons-people-might-criticize-you
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 http://www.fastcompany.com/3032669/work-smart/how-resilient-people-stand-back-up-when-life-knocks-them-down
  4. ↑ http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-strategies-resilient-people-use-bounce-back-when-life-knocks-them-down.html
  5. ↑ http://www.anxietybc.com/sites/default/files/ThinkingTraps.pdf
  6. ↑ 6.0 6.1 https://hbr.org/2002/05/how-resilience-works
  7. ↑ http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/jan/05/life-getting-you-down-learn-to-bounce-back
  8. ↑ http://www.stopbullying.gov/kids/
  9. ↑ http://www.mental-health-survival-guide.com/shame-guilt.htm
  10. ↑ http://self-compassion.org/exercise-6-self-compassion-journal/
  11. ↑ http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2352250X1400027X
  12. ↑ http://www.cdc.gov/physicalactivity/basics/index.htm
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