Be a Social Butterfly
A social butterfly can fit into any room, be comfortable, make friends, and fly away to the next gathering and repeat the process all over again. How great would that be? You mean how great will it be, because this article will show you how to be the best social butterfly!
Contents
Steps
Getting into the Butterfly Mindset
- Commit to it. When it comes to changing our personalities, it has to be more than just something we want. We have to need it. We have to reach a point where we can no longer function the current way we are. Think of why you want to be a social butterfly and concentrate on it. Digest it. Turn it over in your brain. Now get set on changing it.
- This will be a 'light bulb' moment. You won't see a change in your behavior overnight, but you will see a change in your mindset. You can't run before you walk! You won't realize you're a social butterfly until you're in the middle of a party one day, sitting back and thinking "Huh? When did this happen?"
- Set small goals. Once you're set on the idea of becoming the life of the party, don't think, "Okay. Scott's party this Friday? I'm gonna wow everyone there." That's not how it works. That just sets you up for failure and will ultimately end up in you going home, wrapping yourself up in your covers, and not coming out until you get hungry. Set small goals. 5 minutes of wowing the crowd, not the entire night.
- It totally depends on where you are on the social butterfly spectrum. Some people can't even go to parties without being miserable while others will mingle, but only with the people they're comfortable with. Wherever you are, aim for a little more. When you get that little bit more, aim higher.
- Remove fear. You know what you want to do and you know to take it slow. Now how do you do it? Well, you start by removing fear and anxiety when it comes to social situations. Here's a few things to keep in mind:
- Everyone's worried about getting embarrassed or rejected. If they say they're not, they're probably lying. At the very least they used to be not so carefree! Find a social butterfly you know and ask them about this. They'll tell you of their social anxieties, too!
- You won't die. Unless you start a conversation with the next unabomber and inadvertently insult his cat, you'll be fine. In fact, the odds of something legitimately bad happening are slim to none.
- At the end of the day, we all go home worried about how we came off; we're not thinking about anyone else. So if you're preoccupied with what others think of you, know that they're too absorbed in their own image to be thinking about yours!
- Be genuine. Sometimes when people get into social situations that they don't know how to handle, their personalities change. They compensate for how they feel inside by coming off full of themselves, brash, and sometimes just plain mean. If you find yourself thinking, "I have to impress these people to get them to like me," kick it down a notch.
- Really, being yourself is the best thing you can do. Everyone (and you're aiming for everyone) wants to be around people that are natural, at ease, and not trying too hard. If your presence says, "Here I am, world! This is me," people can't argue with that.
- Be confident, but humble. Sometimes people get caught up in the "anything you can do, I can do better" phrase. Straight facts: that does not make for good conversation! You should be confident, most definitely. Confidence is very attractive. But you can't go asking for attention or patting your own back. It's gotta be given to you!
- Accept compliments gracefully. When someone gives you one, the best thing you can say? "Thank you." Imagine that. So simple. Give them gracefully, too.
- Go slower. Generally, confident people move a bit slower and talk a bit slower. The idea here is that unconfident people think they'll be cut off at any moment and try not to take up so much of other people's time. So slow down! You'll project confidence.
- Think positively. To change your personality is nothing to shake a stick at. To get over this giant hill, you'll need some serious positive thinking. Luckily, you have complete control! You can become a social butterfly and you will. The only thing stopping you is you.
- A big old part of thinking positively is liking yourself. When you like yourself, the rest of life gets a lot cheerier. Your social worth is the same as everyone else's -- it's just a matter of realizing it.
Developing the Skills
- Learn to read people. Now that we're past the abstract, master-your-own-mind stuff, onto the meat and potatoes of it all. If you want to be a social ninja, reading people is imperative. There a dozen cues you can find at anytime to know how to act around a person. When you can spot 'em, the whole process of socializing gets a lot easier.
- Don't only read their body language, tone, and visual cues, but take in how they interact with others. Do they have a large personal bubble? Do they value humor and joking around or are they more quiet and intellectual? If you can emulate it, do so. Fitting into every social circle is just a matter of interacting how the group expects.
- Master body language and eye contact. For different groups, there may be different expectations for body language and eye contact. But for most humans, there are good rules of thumb: be open and make eye contact most of the time. You want to appear confident and relaxed, not stressed out and menacing.
- In some circles, though not all, flirting is an integral part of being a social butterfly. Everyone likes being flirted with and it's a simple way to establish a bond. When someone touches us, we automatically feel closer to them. If you want to work your way in, start flirting!
- Pick up a new hobby. You probably have your friends and odds are they're all a little similar. To be that butterfly, you'll need to branch out! You'll gain new skills, meet new people, and learn to interact with others that aren't as like you. So instead of being in a play, work backstage. Instead of swimming, take a scuba course. Instead of playing chess, join the cricket team. Just a little out of your comfort zone for starters!
- If it intrigues you, consider taking an acting class. Being forced to play a role and getting used to that feeling makes it a lot easier to fake being a social butterfly. There will be times when you don't feel like being social, but you can find a character within you who does. And if you fake it for long enough, it eventually becomes habit!
- Start noticing. Most people are totally tuned out to the world. It's how "stop and smell the roses" gained its meaning. Instead, get in the moment. Observe. Do it right now: think about what you're feeling (in the touch sense), hearing, smelling, tasting, and seeing. What did you notice that you didn't 10 seconds ago?
- This will help when interacting with people. You'll have more to say and you'll pick up on people's more subtle reactions. You'll be able to ask more interesting questions and since no one else is noticing, you'll be particularly impressive.
- Don't judge people. When you do get out there, the only way you can truly be a butterfly is to flit around every circle. You can't sit with the jocks and look down on the band kids. You can't associate with the hipsters and turn your nose up at the preps. You gotta be open to everyone. Otherwise you're a butterfly without wings. You're a social caterpillar.
- Being a social butterfly is sort of different than being popular. That's because being popular does not mean you are well-liked by everyone! The Plastics in Mean Girls were popular, but they weren't liked. So while you should definitely make friends with the popular kids (even if you're out of school!), make friends with everyone else, too.
- Get in the spotlight. You'll need to get used to being where the people are and having everyone know your name, so might as well start now. Run for class president. Organize a new club. Seek out some public recognition. The more people who know you, the easier it'll be to socialize at all those parties you're going to!
- Seek out a position of leadership anywhere. It could be at school, at your job, or at one of your extracurricular activities. When you hold the reigns, people will be coming to you. Imagine being a butterfly that the flowers come to themselves!
Interacting with Others
- Approach people. You remember how we talked about how accepting compliments is best done with a simple "Thank you?" Well, turns out that's right for most social interactions! Walking up to someone and saying, "Hi. I don't believe we've met," is an incredibly direct, confident, effective way of starting a conversation. Humans just want to make it harder for some reason!
- Sometimes you've gotta do the approaching because other people just aren't gutsy enough. Like you used to be! They're all nervous to initiate social interaction. Just walking up to someone, looking them in the eye, smiling, and saying, "Hi, my name is...," can get the ball rolling. A handshake doesn't hurt.
- When you have three minutes with a person, seize it. At the bus stop? Talk to the guy next to you about his bag. In line at the checkout? Ask the lady how her day is going. The little things count just as much!
- Master small talk. Surprisingly enough, it doesn't have to be painful if you don't want it to be. And it doesn't just have to be about the weather! Small talk can be fun and fulfilling when the right topic and the right person rolls around. If you have even five minutes with a person, start chatting. Totally not threatening too!
- While Brits are okay with talking about the weather, you may want to avoid it across the pond. Since that may or may not be out of the question, talk about whatever is in front of you. Long line at the store? A holiday coming up? The bus is late? Or maybe you don't know what to order at the coffee shop! Don't think of it as making meaningless chatter—think of it as brightening someone else's otherwise boring day.
- This skill will help you fill awkward silences. So the next time you're sitting by that girl in class that you've spoken to a few times, that project you're working on together next quarter won't be so awkward.
- Practice talking to everyone. You're naturally going to find it easier to talk to some people over others. Those you have the most in common with will be the ones you gravitate to. While it's fine to spend a lot of time with these people, go out of your way to talk to everyone else. You can only get better with practice!
- This is easiest if you can find common ground. Do you share a class? A hobby? A boss? Everyone likes being paid attention to. When you have 5 minutes to kill, fight the urge to go poke your best friend and walk up to that girl you've been meaning to chat with.
- Seem interested. The best face to put on when you're talking to someone is your interested face. Ever talked to someone who just doesn't seem to give a damn about a word you say? It's the worst. Now have you ever talked to someone who made you seem like the only person in the room? Bingo.
- Along with smiling and devoting them your entire attention both verbally and non-verbally, ask them questions. When something comes up, get the details. It's the fastest way to gravitate the conversation to a point where you both feel it was meaningful.
- Pretend you've known them your entire life. Those people you don't know so well will be a bit hard to talk to in the beginning. If the idea of making small talk with virtual strangers or meager acquaintances sounds painful, you're gonna need to get over that! It's what social butterflies do. The easiest way to get over that hump is to think of them as people you've known your entire life. What's keeping you from going, "Hey! How you doing?" Nothing, that's what.
- When we've known people our entire lives, we drop the façade. We are ourselves. When that pretty girl or guy you like walks in the room, you think, " How's my hair?" and when your childhood neighbor walks in, you find a Cheetos on your pants, give it a quick once-over for dust and hair, shove it in your mouth and say, "Yo." While you might not want to go that far, you can see where being around someone who's relaxed and themselves is super calming.
- Some people might be freaked out by this. The introverts, those with massive trust issues, they might not take to your super comfortable approach. So before you go about asking them how the family is, gauge your relationship and their demeanor. Better safe than sorry.
- When we've known people our entire lives, we drop the façade. We are ourselves. When that pretty girl or guy you like walks in the room, you think, " How's my hair?" and when your childhood neighbor walks in, you find a Cheetos on your pants, give it a quick once-over for dust and hair, shove it in your mouth and say, "Yo." While you might not want to go that far, you can see where being around someone who's relaxed and themselves is super calming.
- Be seen anywhere and everywhere. You're a people machine. Now that you're ready to get your feet wet in every social situation, do so. Go to parties where you only know a few people. Hit up an art museum and follow it up with a tractor pull. Go to a wine tasting with your bowling team and then meet up with coworkers for pool and karaoke. Get out there!
- Keep as many social circles going at once as you can. If you stop making the effort, you may stop being invited. So Tuesday night you'll spend with your chess buddies, Thursday is reserved for your Italian cooking classmates, and Saturday is for your college gang.
- Throw parties. Want to flit around talking to everyone you've ever met? Throw a party! When it's on your turf, you have complete control. You can spend 8 minutes talking with one group, go grab a plate of finger foods, get sidetracked by another, eventually make it to the dining room, get roped into a toast, and end up on the patio with another. And when your friends meet your other friends, they can make connections, too!
- One of the hardest parts about being a social butterfly is spreading yourself too thin. You'll have so many friends it'll be hard to pay them all enough attention. A party is a good way to get everyone you like involved simultaneously. Just be prepared for clean up duty!
Getting the Look
- Have good hygiene. This is good advice for everyone. Even hermits. If you want to feel your best and look your best, it's important to shower, brush your teeth, wear deodorant, etc. People tend to judge a book by its cover, so don't start off on the wrong foot by stinking up the room.
- Don't adhere to a label. We humans want the simplest way to size up everything we see. Unfortunately, because of that, a lot of judging happens. If you walk into a high school wearing all black, too much eyeliner, and carrying around a backpack that says "I Pray to Hell", you might not make it onto the cheer squad. So to fit in with every group, wherever you are, don't subscribe to a label. It's the only way to fit in with everyone.
- The most obvious way to do this is with your clothes. Have your own style. Don't avoid trends, but don't actively seek them out. And when it comes to your actions, do a little of everything! Be the person whose president of the environmental club, plays volleyball, and still makes time to practice the French horn.
- Put effort into your appearance. In case no one has told you, life is generally easier for pretty people. It's another of the same: humans want a quick way to judge things, and being pretty is equivalent to being good. It's not right, but it's kind of how it is. Since it probably won't change anytime soon, to be accepted more easily, putting effort into your appearance will take you a long way.
- This doesn't mean dolling yourself up to the 9s. It means wearing clothes that are ironed, sort of match, doing your hair, and maybe throwing on some chapstick. The nines are appropriate once in a while, but 5s and 6s will get you through the day to day.
- Give the right impression. Try as Oscar the Grouch might, he probably won't make a ton of friends and be accepted in the majority of circles. He's just so negative. Be the person you want people to see! Be open, communicative, and fun to be around. When you're received well, it's a lot easier to keep going.
- The simplest thing you can do is make yourself approachable. Put your phone down, for goodness sake! Look up and around your world. Uncross your arms and look engaged in the moment. How else will people come in and out?
Tips
- Don't worry about what other people think of you. As long as you love yourself, and have friends that think the same, you'll be okay.
- People like it when you are a little zany. Don't be too shy.
- Keep in touch with friends. Having too many can be hard, and some people will feel ignored.
- Be yourself when flirting, and don't flirt with people you don't like just to show off to your friends.
- If people disrespect you, tell them off respectfully but firmly.
Warnings
- Being too social may make some people think you're fake. After all, no one likes everyone.
- Being shy is OKAY. Be yourself, and some people might actually want to be your friend. Also, don't try to change who you are. Be you.
