Become Positive Through Forgiveness

Forgiveness is important to preserve one's health, to find inner balance, and to maintain positive relationships. If you want to become more positive through forgiveness, it will take some work. First, you will have to find a place of forgiveness. Work on letting go of wrongs. Then, you will have to soften any grudges you hold. Lastly, deal with any continued negative thoughts you have. Learn to acknowledge and then abandon negativity.

Steps

Reaching a Place of Forgiveness

  1. Make the choice to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice you must make consciously. If someone has wronged or hurt you, the bad feelings may fade with time. However, if you do not actively engage with feelings of resentment, they may remain present long term. To begin reaching a place of forgiveness, decide to forgive.[1]
    • Think about why you want to forgive. Remind yourself that you want to be more positive, understanding, and compassionate. Think about all the energy that goes into holding onto resentments. For example, maybe you're angry at a co-worker you used to be friend with and it's taking away a lot of your energy at work.
    • Then, decide you are going to forgive. Keep in mind it may not be easy, and at times you will struggle. However, it's important to make this choice to begin your journey. For example, decide you're going to forgive your co-worker for the sake of your own sanity.
  2. Write a letter of forgiveness. You do not need to send this letter unless you're planning to actively repair a broken relationship. However, many people find it helpful to write out a letter forgiving those who have hurt them. Getting your words out of your head can help you abandoned negativity and move forward.[2]
    • Begin the letter by stating you are forgiving someone. For example, "I forgive you for everything you have done to hurt me."
    • From there, write out everything you're still mad about. Get into specifics about what the person did and how it made you feel. For instance, "For a long time, I was angry that you left me for someone else."
    • End the letter wishing the person well.
    • If you want, you can send it to the offending party. However, the act in and of itself can be cathartic. Unless you genuinely want to reestablish a connection with someone, you do not need to send your letter.
  3. Focus on self-compassion. You cannot always control someone else's behavior or actions, or whether another person changes. If you want to become positive through forgiveness, you need to focus on changing your own mentality. Forgive yourself for holding onto to resentment and feelings of anger. This will help you feel more compassionate to those around you.[3]
    • You want to take power over your emotional life through forgiveness. If you're struggling to forgive someone else for causing you pain, shift focus. Think about how to approach forgiveness from a place of self-compassion.
    • For example, think things like, "I forgive you for reminding me I feel unimportant. I know that I deserve positive treatment."
  4. Express how you feel. If you're comfortable reaching out to someone who has wronged you, it's worth it to reach out to that person. Telling someone how they hurt you, and how it made you feel, can help you feel a sense of closure. The person may also offer an apology, which can help greatly with your ability to forgive.[4]
    • Tell someone directly how they hurt you and why it's bothering you. For example, "When you cheated on me, it made me feel less valuable as a person. It's affected my ability to have healthy relationships."
    • Listen to what that person has to say. They may offer an apology or insight that can help you empathize and forgive.
    • If you're not comfortable talking face-to-face, you can always send the letter you wrote.
  5. Accept it may take time. Frustration can lead to negative thoughts and feelings. Do not pressure yourself to fully forgive before you're ready. Accept there may be some negative thoughts for a long time, and you're not going to be perfectly positive overnight. Try to give yourself a break and take the time you need to forgive.[3]
    • For example, you start trying to forgive your mother for a fight just after it happened. Do not expect feelings of forgiveness will occur instantaneously just because you want to forgive her. It may be months before negative emotions pass by.

Abandoning Grudges

  1. Deal with roadblocks to forgiveness. You will not be able to forgive overnight, and at times you may feel frustrated, upset, or angry. When you run into a common roadblock to forgiveness, cope with it accordingly.[5]
    • Think about times you have hurt someone, and remember how they've forgiven you. This can make you more eager to forgive others.
    • Accept forgiveness is a long process. Remember that it's going to take time, and this is normal.
  2. Acknowledge the negative effects of grudges. Sometimes, motivating yourself can help you sustain the energy to become more positive. If you're struggling to let go of a grudge, remind yourself of its negative effects. This will make you more enthusiastic about abandoning grudges.[1]
    • Grudges can make you angry and bitter. You may go into new relationships with a negative attitude, affecting your ability to meet new people and make new friends.
    • You may be unable to enjoy the present if your mind is preoccupied with past grudges.
    • Grudges can also cause you to become depressed and anxious.
  3. Foster empathy. If you're unable to stop negative feelings about someone, try to approach the situation from a place of empathy. Pause and reflect on the person's behavior. Why did they behave the way they did? While it's okay to be hurt by someone, and you should be able to express this, it can help you forgive them and feel more positive if you understand their perspective.[4]
    • For example, maybe a friend was not being reliable for a long time. They never returned phone calls and missed many major events in your life.
    • Think about that friend's circumstances at the time. Maybe they were going through a rough time and we're struggling to maintain relationships. Perhaps, in a similar situation, you also would have reacted negatively.
  4. Forgive yourself as well. Part of being a more positive person is feeling better about yourself. In addition to forgiving others, forgive yourself for your own flaws and imperfections.[6]
    • Everyone has past regrets. You may have treated someone poorly, missed an opportunity, or made another regrettable decision or action.
    • Try not to dwell on such things. When thoughts of past regrets creep in, think something along the lines of, "I made the best decision for myself at time."

Dealing with Continued Negative Thoughts

  1. Acknowledge and then release negative thoughts. When you experience negative thoughts about another person, do not try to push them away. If you're actively trying not to think about something, you will only end up thinking about it more. Instead, acknowledge how you're feeling and then let it go.[7]
    • If you feel something negative, place a name on the thought. For example, "Right now, I'm feeling angry at my dad."
    • Then, allow the thought to pass by without lingering on it. Remind yourself that, while you cannot necessarily control the thoughts you experience, you do not have to engage with them.
  2. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones. If you experience a negative thought, find a positive thought to replace it. It's normal to have certain resentments in life, and it can help to actively engage with them by looking for a silver lining.[8]
    • For example, you think something like, "I am angry at my dad for not calling me on my birthday."
    • Replace this with a positive thought. For example, think something like, "It's good to experience these feelings because they help the two of us work through our issues together."
  3. Practice loving-kindness meditation. Loving-kindness meditation can help you feel more positive and forgiving to those around you. To start, find a quiet place and sit in a position that's comfortable for you. Imagine a variety of people who love and care about you. Picture them standing on all sides wishing you well.[9]
    • From there, send those good feelings outward. Picture several people that you live and wish good things for them. Think things like, "I wish you love. I wish you happiness."
    • Then, picture neutral people. These are people you do not know well or have strong feelings about either way, like a co-worker or a grocery store clerk. Think similar positive thoughts about them.
    • Last, picture someone who has wronged or hurt you. Wish them the same good thoughts, even though you may have negative feelings about them.
  4. Accept what you cannot change. At the end of the day, the only thing you can change is your own mentality. You cannot force others to change. Do not think of forgiveness as a means to help someone else better themselves. Think of it as a way to better yourself and learn to be kinder and more compassionate.[5]

Warnings

  • If someone has wronged you greatly, it may not be possible to forgive them for a long time. Do not be hard on yourself if this occurs. Instead of trying to force forgiveness, try to focus on other things in your life.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=1
  2. ↑ http://www.briantracy.com/blog/personal-success/how-to-let-go-and-live-in-the-now/
  3. ↑ 3.0 3.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201312/forgiveness-after-betrayal
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://pro.psychcentral.com/learning-to-forgive/009453.html#
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692?pg=2
  6. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/therapists-spill-12-ways-to-accept-yourself/
  7. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/lib/depression-and-letting-go-of-negative-thoughts/
  8. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/replacing-your-negative-thoughts/
  9. ↑ http://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/loving_kindness_meditation

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