Break Up with Your Boyfriend

Breaking up is never easy, but there are definitely ways to make them easier and less emotionally stressful for both parties. Read this article to learn how.

Steps

Things to Consider

  1. Make sure that you are 100% positive that you want to break up with him. Before breaking up with him, try to imagine your life without him, and be prepared for the possibility that you might not be able to maintain a friendship. Even if you break up, realize you made a mistake, and get back together, you will have caused irreversible damage to the relationship by breaking up in the first place.
    • Consider the advantages and disadvantages of single life. On the one hand, you will be free to date and flirt with whoever you want, but on the other hand, you will probably be spending more holidays and evenings alone.
    • If you are truly unhappy with the relationship, don't let the thought of being alone prevent you from breaking up with him. One of the worst things you can do to both yourself and your boyfriend is to stay with him when you are unhappy. Staying with him will only delay the breakup, and the longer you wait, the more damage you will do to your relationship.
  2. Don't ask for a break. Asking for a break is just a bad way of saying that you want to break up. If you think you need a break from your boyfriend, then chances are that you want to break up with him but are too afraid of being single again.
    • Remember that asking for a break isn't any easier on him than telling him you want to break up, because it still connotes the fact that you are unhappy with the relationship.

Breaking the News

  1. Choose an appropriate time and place to break up with him. Sometimes it's not the breaking up, but rather, the method by which you chose to break up that truly hurts.
    • Don't break up with your boyfriend while he is dealing with a difficult personal problem like a death in the family, trouble at work, or other emotionally straining situation. This will be like kicking him while he is down.
    • Don't break up with him in the middle of an activity that neither of you can leave. For example, don't break up with him while you are dining at a restaurant, at the movie theater, or on a vacation together. Remember that immediately following the breakup, he will probably need to be alone for a few hours to compose himself.
    • Don't break up with him in front of other people. While this may seem like common sense, you should be careful that nobody can overhear the breakup conversation while it is happening. This will add unnecessary humiliation to the situation.
    • Don't break up during a fight. You might do or say things in the heat of the moment that you will both regret later. Wait until you can have a rational, adult conversation.
  2. Break up with him in person. Regardless of how long or short your relationship has been, your boyfriend deserves to be told in person. Don't send him a text, Facebook message, or email telling him that you want to break up.
    • While text or online messages may seem easier, remember that these messages don't allow you to convey emotion or tone. As a result, break-up texts come across as way more "harsh" than spoken words, even if you type out what you would have said word-for-word.
    • If you are in a long-distance relationship, then doing it over the phone or computer might be the only option. If this is the case, then write a heart-felt breakup letter that shows that you have given the breakup some thought. Don't keep it too short, as this shows carelessness, but don't make it too long, as this could be torturous for him.
  3. Be absolutely clear about your intentions. By this stage, beating around the bush will only confuse things and make it harder to say what needs to be said. Instead, be ready beforehand with some handy phrases that will explain just what you need to say. Some examples include:
    • "We've had some great times together. But lately I've not been feeling it and we've also had some pretty rough patches. I've come to the conclusion that our relationship isn't right for me and while you're a great guy, I just don't think we're destined for a long-term relationship. I'd like us to end on a good note today."
    • "You're an amazing person, with so much going for you. I want you to know that I respect you and have had some great times with you. It's just that I don't feel the connection with you as a girlfriend that I'd like to feel and while I've tried to feel this, I've finally decided that it isn't going to work. I have had a great time, I'd love to stay friends but I can't honestly stay with you as your girlfriend anymore."
    • "I'm feeling unhappy in our relationship and this has not changed for weeks/months. I've tried to make things work but now I just feel that it's not going to get over the hurdles and I don't want to drag things out any further. I'd like to end things between us today."
  4. Decide how much you want to explain. It's tough to break up and too much discussion about feelings and needs can open doors to him fighting for the relationship and having you give in to trying again. Respect the things he has to say and expect him to fight for the relationship (unless he also sees it as a moment of relief) and be ready to keep it simple by repeating that it just isn't working out for you.
  5. Stay kind, caring and firm. Show that his feelings do matter but that you're not budging from your position about the relationship ending. He needs to know that you're serious and mean what you say.
    • Be careful about saying that you'll stay friends. Sometimes it's appropriate, but other times it just strings along his hopes. You will need to judge the worth of this from the context of who you both are and how the break-up talk proceeds.
    • If you're dumping him because somebody else has attracted your eye, don't tell him this. If he asks whether that's behind the break-up, reassure him that it's because you don't feel the compatibility and that you're just not feeling this is a long-term relationship for you. There is no need to bring a third party into the break-up.
  6. Give him space. Every relationship is different, but regardless of your unique situation, you should spend some time apart immediately after the breakup. Continuing to hang out on a daily basis will make it much more difficult for both of you to move on.
    • Consider telling him that you still want to be friends, but only if you mean it. If you do, then respect the fact that it might take him some time to feel comfortable spending time with you again. Don't force him to be your friend immediately.

Additional Help

Doc:Breakups,Negative Reactions to a Breakup,Ways to Get Over a Breakup



Tips

  • If you're unhappy and need the relationship to end, do it. Don't be hard on yourself and claim it will hurt the other person, because if you don't end it, it's only hurting you.
  • Break up with your boyfriend as soon as you have made the decision to end the relationship. Don't stay in the relationship and send passive hints or suggestions that you are unhappy. This will only cause more damage to the relationship, and cause him to trust you less.
  • If he has hurt you, for example cheated on you or treated you badly, chances are he doesn't deserve your respect; so don't plan to break up with him sweetly.
  • Don't be unnecessarily harsh. Only make constructive observations or criticisms that you know he can improve on in the future. For example, don't tell him that you're breaking up with him because you find him unattractive. He doesn't really need to know that.
  • Take your boyfriend's personality into account. If he is somebody who tends to be overly emotional and sensitive, then you might want to consider sugar-coating the breakup a bit more, if only for the sake of protecting his feelings.

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