Comfort Your Daughter After a Break Up

Your daughter will often turn to you in times of crisis for support and encouragement. The breakup of her relationship may be one of those times. A breakup is a true grief that takes time to process, and it is likely that your daughter will go through many of the same emotions someone goes through while grieving the death of a loved one. During this time, she will need the support of her family and friends. You can help her by being an emotional support, giving her ways to take her mind off her troubles, and providing her some perspective when she is ready.

Steps

Being a Shoulder to Cry On

1. Provide a listening ear. In order for her to effectively process her feelings and move on from her loss, she needs to be talking to someone about it. As her parent, you might hope it will be you, but understand that as long as you know she is talking to friends or someone else she trusts, do not force her to talk to you about it. Still, you can do your best to encourage her to talk to you with these strategies:
   • Be ready to listen to her wherever and whenever, even if it is inconvenient for you. She is in a crisis mode right now, so now is not the time to tell her “We’ll talk after dinner,” or put off the conversation. Drop what you are doing and be ready to listen.
   • Listen without judgment. Don’t provide opinions on what you are hearing. It may be obvious to you that this breakup is a very positive thing in your daughter’s life, for example, but now is not the time to let her know that. Instead, focus on listening to your daughter and try to be accepting of what she says. Avoid offering a “silver lining” response.
   • Reinforce that talking about it is healthy and will help her feel better. Express to your daughter that it’s okay that if she doesn’t want to talk to you about the breakup, but encourage her to be talking to others about it. Do not be pushy about making her talk to you if she doesn’t feel like it. Try saying, “I know how upset you are. When you’re upset, it’s really important to let those sad feelings out by talking to someone. Don’t keep them bottled up inside. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk to me about it. I hope you do, but it’s okay if you don’t. I just want to know that you are talking to somebody who is a good listener.”
2. Empathize with your daughter. Put yourself in your daughter’s shoes. Try to remember how you felt after your first breakup. Although your daughter might not feel exactly the same way as you felt, reflecting on how you felt after your first breakup may make it easier for you to show empathy for what your daughter is going through right now. Focus on your feelings for your daughter, instead of your feelings about the relationship or her ex. Remember that even if you are happy to see the relationship end, it is still a loss for your daughter.
   • Let her cry. Don’t tell her to stop or tell her, “it will all get better” or “this was for the best.” Just be with her while she deals with her sadness. Hold her or put your arm on her shoulder if she will let you.
   • Be supportive with statements like, “I know this must be very hard for you,” or “I’m sure this seems like the worst thing in the world right now.”
   • Now is not the right time to bring up the “bright side” of the breakup. For example, “Well, you never liked that family anyway,” might be true, but she might be in a place where she would instantly take her ex back, family and all, if she could. She will get to the bright side on her own eventually, and find her own positives about the relationship ending.
3. Let her vent. Let her express her anger over the breakup. You can provide her a healthy outlet for this by listening to her with empathy. She is allowed to say whatever she wants about her ex, and you can nod and encourage her to tell you more.
   • You need to tread lightly about what you say about her ex, however. Do not go on a tirade about her ex and all the things you didn’t like about them, because it may make her feel worse that she was “blind” to all of these terrible things.
   • Make sure she is keeping her tirades off social media or isn’t badmouthing them in a way that will come back to haunt her.
4. Let her determine how much she wants you involved. She might want some space from her parents, or she might want to spend lots of time with you. Go with the flow and understand that her feelings may change from day to day.
   • For example, you could say, “I know it’s not always the coolest to hang out with your parent, so don’t worry if you want to do something else. You’re going through a hard time right now, and I want to be able to support you however you prefer, whether it’s by spending time together or letting you do your own thing.”
   • Encourage her to spend time with her friends and plan some fun activities with them. Offer to help in any way you can to foster those connections for your daughter. For example, you could give her a ride to an activity or host a fun evening for her and her friends at your house.
5. Let her know she is grieving. This is a loss and she will not bounce back from it overnight. It takes time to heal.
   • Helping her understand the grieving process will give her perspective on her emotions. Encourage her to learn about grief and look at her feelings as a process she needs to go through, not feelings that will be around forever.
   • For example, you could say, “You have been through a big loss, and your heart and mind are processing this loss. It takes a lot of energy to grieve a loss, but you have to work your way through it. That might mean crying a lot or being really tired. But it’s important to let the grief out, because it will be harder for you if you try to hold it back.”
6. Cut her a bit of slack. Remember that we are not ourselves when we are grieving. Your daughter may be more disrespectful or distracted than usual.
   • Help her with details and staying organized. When people are grieving, it is often hard for them to find the energy to stay on top of bills, appointments, and other minutiae of daily life. They are focusing all their energy on the loss. Remind your daughter about homework assignments, family parties, or other details if you see she is struggling.
   • If her behavior seems beyond the normal range of grief -- for example, if she tells you she is drinking a lot, or if she gets suspended from school -- confront her on her behavior. Get or encourage her to seek professional help.

Providing Distraction

1. Do something fun. Help her take her mind off her sorrows and plan some fun activities with her. This also is helpful to her grieving: she is able to see that she can enjoy herself again. This can also be good bonding time for the two of you. Some activities you might consider:
   • Try a new restaurant she’s been wanting to check out.
   • Take a day trip to a nearby town, or get away for the weekend.
   • Visit a museum you are both interested in.
   • Go walking, hiking, or biking together.
   • See a movie. (Let her pick -- she might want a good cry, or she might want to laugh.)
   • Go shopping.
2. Pamper her. Be indulgent, particularly in the first few days after the breakup. It is a nice way to remind her that there are still people who think she is special and love her. For example, you may want to:
   • Indulge her cravings for her favorite foods. Stock her freezer with ice cream if it’s her favorite comfort food, for example.
   • Watch her favorite movies or TV shows with her.
   • Treat her to a pedicure.
3. Encourage her self-care. Self-care means taking deliberate steps to take care of your mental, physical or emotional health. While indulging cravings or binge-watching TV have a place, these actions are more numbing behaviors than self care (“numbing” meaning to avoid feeling one’s unpleasant emotions). Encourage your daughter to take care of herself in healthy ways, like:
   • Keeping a journal.
   • Exercising.
   • Taking a social media break.
   • Going out in nature.
   • Getting enough sleep.
4. Encourage her in other areas of her life. A romantic relationship is just one aspect of a person’s life, and isn’t the only important part of life. Encourage your daughter to explore other pursuits.
   • Encourage her to focus on her schoolwork.
   • Ask her about her job and encourage her career growth.
   • Tell her to take this time to focus on a sport or hobby. For example, if she is a runner, encourage her to train for a big race to take her mind off the breakup.

Helping Her with Perspective

1. Let her know you are proud of her. Breakups are difficult and painful. Let your daughter know how impressed you are with her ability to deal with a hard situation. This can help her feel strong and resilient.
   • For example, you could say, “You have really been through a lot lately with this breakup. I am so impressed with you are managing it. I know that it is been really hard for you, but I am so proud to see how you are working through it. I know you are going to get past this and be even stronger than before.”
2. Help her make meaning of the breakup. After the initial shock and grieving period wears off, you will probably hear your daughter start to rationalize the breakup. You might hear things like, “He was such a picky eater! We could never go to any interesting restaurants. I’d be stuck eating meat and potatoes for the rest of my life!” or “She was such a scary driver. I always feel like I got lucky when we arrived somewhere unscathed. I’m glad I don’t have to drive in her car anymore.” This is a good sign that she might be ready to think of the positives of the breakup.
   • Suggest that she make a list of all the good that has come out of the breakup, no matter how small and insignificant the items seem. Maybe she doesn’t have to deal with her ex’s stinginess anymore, or maybe she has learned to better stand up for herself.
   • Suggest she write a letter to herself to be opened a year from now, expressing all that she is feeling and going through. When she opens it a year later, she will most likely be amazed at how her life has changed and how much she has grown.
   • Ask questions to help her get some perspective on the situation and to help her figure out what she has learned about herself through the experience. For example, you might ask, “I wonder what you find most important about relationships now that you've been through this?” Or, “What are some characteristics that you would look for in someone new now that you know x about yourself in this relationship?”
   • Remind her that she will likely look back on this experience as a time of great learning and change, and not necessarily sadness. Though it seems hard now, she will bounce back.
3. Help her see her value. Her self-esteem has probably taken a hit after the breakup. Let her know how much she means to you, her family, and friends.
   • Remind her of all the good things she brings to the world: her sense of humor, her kind heart, or her strong work ethic, for example.
   • Remind her that she is far more than one person’s opinion of her.
   • Remind her of times when you know her presence made a difference. For example, “Do you remember how much all those little girls in your dance class looked up to you?” or “Your grandma always loved how you would visit her in the nursing home and do puzzles with her.”

Sources and Citations

See also

• Tell a Girl You Like Her Without Getting Rejected
• Heal a Broken Heart
• Get Over Rejection
• Reject Someone Nicely
• Cure a Heartache
• Get Over a Guy
• Forget a Person
• Get Over Your Love Even Though You Broke It Off
• Be Strong After a Breakup
• Overcome Heartbreak

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