Cope With Having No One to Look up To

When people are looking for a role model and feel that they can't see anyone around, they feel lost and lonely, especially when times are tough and every news headline discusses yet another fallen role model.

The complication, if not the key problem, is that by searching for a role model, we in fact expose ourselves to greater insecurity and problems. To grow more independent by yourself and to be happier with how you are now is ultimately the bigger goal.

Fortunately, there are ways to look a little deeper, both to find people who may inspire you, but also how to find out how you can be your own role model and can be a source of inspiration to yourself and others.

Steps

  1. Look inside yourself. This first step is usually the hardest. It is not easy and it can take much work to be able to face your inner self without being afraid. Often doing so ends up confronting you with the same sense of loneliness, inferiority, despair or whatever other negative emotion you're trying to deal with. The aim of the game is to grow your self sufficiency through getting to know yourself, but the bigger goal is to not only see what is behind the motivation that drives you to need someone to look up to, but to realise it was the same person––you––who put this barrier up in the first place. Once you begin to make headway on self-discovery, the search for a role model becomes less essential to your happiness, as you feel more secure and less lost within your own mind.

    There are many social pressures to look up to other people, often found in the media but also through our educational systems and through workplaces. Part of this is about teaching us to learn from great people so that we may avoid making the same mistakes, while part of it is simply appealing to the human preference for looking up to some people simply because they have done things we would like to do too. However, desire to follow in the footsteps of others is not the same as feeling helpless without their guidance and input. Sometimes the reality is that you're a trailblazer and there won't truly be someone in front of you!
  2. Identify why you feel you need someone to look up to. In many instances, human beings do not like to be alone with themselves and will seek ways to self-distract from this intense solitude. This dislike of being alone with ourselves can be for a range of different reasons, and you may or may not even know where your own dislike of being left to your own devices and thoughts originated from. But by exploring your dislike of solitude, you begin to get a good idea of its source. Some things to consider and questions to ask yourself about why you feel you need a role model, or feel that there is none to look up to include:
    • At some time in life everyone will feel unable to do the things that they wish. This may be functional in that they feel they don't possess the experience or skills, but also emotional, such as a sense of low confidence in their abilities. In most cases it is a passing feeling, but it can strike deeply so many cases exist where people feel they have no skills and therefore no meaning in life. When we are young and tried to do something but failed or had been criticized by others and so didn't keep trying, the mind often fortifies itself with the idea that others can do it but that we cannot. Therefore the cliché "practice makes perfect" offers a good solution as by practicing our skills we can grow in our abilities.
    • Perhaps you feel dis-enchanted or have been disturbed by the actions of other people past and present and look for someone else to emulate. It is not rare that people of one generation are disturbed by the sheer disregard (or oppositely the conservative nature) of the other, or even their own generation and then look for role models who aren't like everyone else.
    • Additionally, we all experience two main extreme forms of self indulgence in others that exists within us all. Firstly, manipulative or exploitative people, and the second is those who enjoy obsessing over the self-centredness of others and talking about them and their psychology, using key words such as emotional vampires, co-dependent, doormat syndrome and so on. It is not illogical to try to avoid these types and find someone different who is humane and not addicted to key words and classifying others in the same ego-focused way.
    • Are you afraid of yourself or some event in your life? Being stuck in the past because of something you did or something that has happened to you can be a living hell and it is sometimes seductive to think that there is a saviour out there who can pull you back into the present. Many people feel that without others, be it for company, inspiration or support, that they cannot function well in ordinary cases. There can be many reasons for feeling this way, from shyness to social phobias and taboos, but in most cases, the solution lies within (albeit with some hard mental work), not from others. There are also cases that people feel anxiety the moment they are alone. This might have its origins in a bad past experience but also that part of the mind is not comfortable with being alone.
    • Perhaps you still feel the desire to make dreams a reality, that we all can be wealthy, happy and successful. Almost all of us when we are young dream of changing the world, going on adventures or saving the world, being rich, powerful or famous, finding our true love, or making a difference or contribution on a global scale. While on one hand the aspiration to live the dream can be inspirational, meaningful and successful, the chances are overwhelmingly slim when we set our dreams too high. We often look to role models to be a guide or mentor, or to supply that magic ingredient or secret method for us to be able to strike success.
    • Perhaps you have felt that life is so full of challenges that with the advancements of the world there should be a social services guidebook or mentor program on how to face these problems and how to do tasks successfully. Sometimes even to know for ourselves if we are doing a good job, be it in work, parenting, schooling or any of our activities. Almost all people at some time feel that all they needed is to be told they did a good job or are doing well, or to be given good advice at the right time and feel frustrated or abandoned whenever there is no guiding hand or guardian angel in our lives.
    • Perhaps you too have felt a sense of desperation or despair in the worlds ongoing pressures. Advertisements constantly tell people they are only a successful person when they have bought this or that, political pressure to vote this way or that, peer pressure to do this or give that, family pressure to get a good job and a partner, or a personal pressure to measure up to someone else. These same pressures have actually been around for generations, still telling us the same things. We are really only independent when we have learnt to recognize the difference and value good advice and good people to help us grow within.
  3. Build your self-esteem. Not liking to be alone is a coping mechanism that allows you to avoid other underlying issues, such as low self-esteem or a lack of confidence in your own abilities and skills. While not all drives to seek a role model will have this at their heart, the majority probably do and as all of your life will be impacted by low self-esteem, you owe it to yourself to improve your confidence. It's important to find ways to be a source of inspiration to yourself, so that you don't keep hoping in vain for someone else to fix your life and to smooth away the challenges––you can do this yourself, and any help will simply be an added benefit, not a necessity. Consequently, the following suggestions in the next few steps may both help you find inspiration both within yourself and from others.
  4. Get involved. Go and join hobby groups, other social groups or volunteer societies. Sometimes there are no role models because they just aren't where you're looking and sometimes by being a part, you can become a role model for others. While it's true that the blind cannot lead the blind, we're all at different levels of experience and insight, so we can be sources of aid to others, which can ultimately help our own case when we reduce or let go of our self-orientated focus.

    Consider the ways that you can do things for other people to help everyone live better. People you know who are saddled under the weight of their own problems might be inspiring people, but you just wouldn't know on first appearances, because we tend to assume that if someone is suffering personal problems, then they're unlikely to be a source of constructive answers. This is shortsighted, as the real problem with personal challenges is that we're often able to still reach out to others while not reaching inside ourselves––developing the skill to remain uninvolved with our own problems to see them clearly is very difficult.

    As a volunteer, you may see things they do not; in turn, they may very well see your problems more clearly and help clear the path for you to improve too! While it is important to recognise and avoid taking on problems you can't fix, there are many small ways you can help someone else, such as helping around the house, garden or office, helping them with shopping or giving them training in something you're good at, such as language, computer skills (etc). In giving, you shore up your own confidence and may see more fulfilling sides of yourself that haven't emerged for a long time.
  5. Pets and Animals. While it is not a cure-all, dogs and cats can love you as much as you love them and while animals will not replace human connection, they do offer aspects that human connection does not––such as animals not judging or criticizing you, or complaining.

    There is a wide range of choice or pets or companion animals to select according to your lifestyle and work or school commitments. For example, cats and dogs are relatively straightforward pets, while other animals such as reptiles, rodents and birds many need more specialized attention and care, which in itself could be very fulfilling for you. If you can't keep a pet but would like to experience close contact with animals, consider looking after wildlife, such as having a bird feeder for native birds or helping out at an animal shelter (volunteering and animal care all-in-one).

    Animals may be a good start for people with low confidence, as well as those who struggle to interact with people (which may stem out of a desire to be separate from other people). Ultimately, the benefit of having animals or a human "significant other", is that we focus less on ourselves and share that focus on others and can so increase well-being.
    • Be wary of using electronic or non-living pets, such as those offered in many apps and online games––these are not quite real enough and they don't really give back any benefits other than being a temporary distraction. The problem is, distractions serve as avoidance, potentially causing you to fail to work on improving your self development.
  6. Think about many of the things or creations you admire. Alternatively, consider the things you know little about but may like to learn more. It might be art, music, science, meditation or other insight focused programmes, drama and theatre, poetry, gardening, health, fitness and sport etc. There is a range of study and hobby groups, as well as courses run through various schools that can expand your scope. Ironically, ignorance does not, nor did it ever really, lead to bliss.

    Intellectual aptitude at the other end only takes us so far. The real advantage to learning more broadly lies in the middle ground of building confidence and wisdom through increased knowledge, self-propelled insight and improving our experience. Knowledge helps us to simplify our lives and untangle the tedious little problems we all experience. Once you start looking at historical figures, be they recent or ancient, you find they too suffered many of the same problems we experience today and many of their stories can provide inspiration when we feel we are without a role model.

    This is a great excuse to immerse yourself in the biographies of people in fields that interest you. Reading biographies can teach you a great deal about how other people have dealt with negative experiences and the challenges of life. And what is great about biographies that take a "warts-and-all" approach is that they show you that nobody is perfect and that even in those people you admire there will be aspects of them that you don't admire, simply because we are all multi-faceted, complex and ever-growing beings. It is good to understand that no role model could ever provide you with all the comfort, experience or answers that you're seeking––only you can do that.
  7. Balance your emotions and well being. When you start to look within, you will start to be able to see your emotions as they come and go. The need for a role model is but one of these same feelings that comes and goes, so you can address the feeling when it arises. The other advantage is seeing the root cause of that feeling, which is a desire for things to be other than they are.

    It is a skill to let go of thoughts and feelings, but as the opposite side of sorrow is happiness, the opposite of desire is generosity. Like in a mathematical formula, when you add a positive to a negative they can balance or cancel themselves out. It is a difficult skill to develop to seek this balance actively as it retrains the mind to use more tools whenever unhappiness or dissatisfaction is present and gives you more self-direction. Deceptively often, when we are unhappy we wanted to be unhappy and it is this subtle desire that needs to be balanced to improve well-being. Some examples to consider are:
    • Be optimistic when you feel cynical. (One caveat: don't allow this to be blind hope––be realistic even while chasing your dreams.)
    • Practice (or think thoughts related to) appreciation for all that you have achieved, for what you do have and for the people who are already in your life when you feel that you're unsuccessful.
    • Practice goodwill when you're angry with others, or yourself.
    • Practice compassion when you feel crushed under a burden.
    • Be creative when things seem dull. This may be to decorate your home, write poetry or a story, cook a meal, gather some flowers from the garden, paint or draw (etc).
    • Consider that we grow by leading and we grow by learning from others, so a wise person grows by both leading and following. If we are one-sided, seeking only to be a leader or only to be a follower, we can limit ourselves from great creativity and experiences.
    • Consider practicing mindfulness and perhaps even meditating. A mindful approach to life has been shown in scientific studies and throughout the ages to improve your well-being and sense of place in the world.
    • Consider turning your moments of silence and solitude into opportunities to develop an interior life, through prayer, reflection and self-study of mystic literature. Reach out to mystic traditions of various faiths. Open up to inner guidance.
  8. Set your goals. Goal setting is a very useful tool and activity that gives purpose and meaning. Your goals may vary widely from weight loss, learning how to ski or cook, saving money for a project or making something such as a gift or starting some other creative project. Goal setting is best done by yourself to begin with, before you collaborate with others, as you need to gain experience and flexibility with deadlines and strategies. Doing projects and making goals in partnership with other people (such as going for a run in the morning, doing some paving or garden work, etc.), means you have to rely on others to keep their part of the bargain––and they won't always.

    If you have always felt that you had no role model to look up to because you could not rely on others, it is best to practice alone and then collaborate with people to give them the chance to share and to commit to the same goal. This helps both people to gain trust, skills, confidence and experience.
  9. Planning Travel be it local, within your state or province, or further afield, including overseas. It can help to take your mind out of a depressive loop, spurring change, as well as offering some time for reflection. When you come back, you can make a clean sweep of the old routines and experiences that used to make you feel lonely but that you can now use as a test to overcome.

    Take care to balance as well as the downside to excessive travel is evident when it becomes a search for something as a way to either avoid the problem or to find some magic solution––if there was an ancient, mystical or magical solution, we would all know about it, having used it for ourselves. Too often you meet widely travelled people who seem blasé and bored with the world, informing you casually that its wonders seem so mundane. Therefore, travel wisely and reflect often, and know when to come home.
  10. Be selective about what you choose to let into your life. Don't read too many celebrity magazines or blogs and turn off the TV if there's nothing but a superficial show on. These sources of "infotainment" don't contain many role models at all and if fictional, can be shallow reflections of other people, or are realistic enough that we become attached to them even though they aren't real, and mourn for them in our own way when the character dies or the series is discontinued.

    In non fiction, most real role models have lives that don't make magazines sell as their lives are not always fabulously exotic or exciting. However, these are exactly the people we can draw inspiration from if they're honest because their stories can show us that even when depressed, criticised, overwhelmed, exhausted and barraged with a series of unfortunate events, people who weather life's challenges teach the rest of us how to be more resilient and less vulnerable too.
    • Look for magazines, stories, books and the like that depict real people, your peers, who are experiencing life as you know it. While their stories can offer inspiration, more importantly they offer you reassurance that you're doing okay and that your choices are as right and good as anybody else's.
  11. Talk to other people, but choose a person who you feel has sufficient insight and understanding. Human interaction is very useful to be able to share ideas, and sometimes it is simply a case of leaving the house or taking tea with colleagues to get some quality talk time into your life. With those persons whom you feel may scorn you or judge you unreasonably, it is wise to be selective about the subjects you discuss in their presence––keep it simple and sweet is the best advice here. Moreover, you do need to ask the question how you know when another person is being reasonable in criticizing your actions. That's something each person needs to consider on their own as well as with others.

    Be conscious of the fact that it's not easy to tell another person when they're causing their own problem, so it is only someone who truly cares for you who will tell you honestly when you're making a mistake. We often reject these people as we feel the need to be independent and not need other's help, as well as feeling uneasy with the idea that we could make such mistakes. Asking for help is often a huge challenge but it's part of being a social being.
    • Counsellors can give support, but if they don't give you anything you can use to be able to use as a tool to help your own case, then they're not going to help you resolve your problem. Avoid over-relying on any form of therapy; it is a guidance tool, not a substitute for your own efforts. Ultimately all counsellors try to guide you to a state of understanding that only you can improve your mental well being.
  12. Understand finally why you feel that there is no one to look up to. The toughest question of all is often: are you setting your expectations of life to the impossible? Those dreams we all have when we are young of going on adventures, having a career and life of our own making, "changing the world" or "making a difference" that we can identify and say "I achieved that". But life is not as easy as we would like and it owes none of us a living. The search for perfection or a situation with greater power, greater convenience, greater inspiration or an endless source for our own happiness, is unrealistic and can be very painful. When your own life has become a desert and no longer a source for your own happiness, you risk no longer being satisfied with what you do have––which is a lot.

    The focus ultimately is to see that you're surrounded by people from whom you may learn something here and something there, all the while that you're making your own journey to improve your own life. By being satisfied with what you've already achieved and earned, and content in the knowledge that you will continue learning and that your life's experiences are as valid as anyone else's, you will remain inspired, stoked to achieve the very best you can do personally and open to discovering new things about yourself without becoming complacent or held back for want of a role model or two. Be your own role model and be open to the little inspirations that people give you daily––just open your eyes and heart.

Tips

  • There are ultimately really no tips for this subject because using soundbites or making edits that come from opinions, emotions and not from deep investigative experience will never really make a fruitful contribution. This actually explains the whole subject in a nutshell in that we are often driven by our feelings and desire to express our feelings but not by our own experiences and wisdom. We all inherently have skills or the ability to develop skills to grow and become a source of inspiration to ourselves and others.

    They can however be very revealing as an experiment you can try for yourself. Such as when a person does not read an article through properly and so skims over what they do not wish to hear. Some may make opinions and edits to an article in their mind or on the page before they even finished reading it, rewriting it stressing an opinion; or makes additions for the sake of making additions - as opposed to valid improvements such as spelling, grammar and punctuation. These can all reveal the way the mind operates.

    As a way to develop insight, we can also see for ourselves when people make these changes to an article and by looking at each edit objectively, we can see where the editor is coming from. We can then use that in reverse to see where we as individuals are coming from and use that to grow above and shine like a star.

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