Deal With One of Your Friends Dating Your Crush

Having a friend date your crush can be a difficult social situation to navigate. With your feelings, as well as those of your friend and your crush on the line, it can be extremely difficult to be sure what the right course of action is to take. If you aren’t careful, you stand to hurt both your relationship with your friend and your crush, but your feelings may be strong enough to warrant the risk. Depending on the situation, you may find yourself faced with some significant heartache, but it’s important to remember that being the wrong person for your crush doesn’t mean you aren’t the right person for someone else.

Steps

Sorting Through Your Feelings

  1. Think about your friend’s feelings. Talk to your friend and try to appreciate his or her position. Your friend may have genuine feelings for your crush that seem to be reciprocated. If they really are your friend, you should want to see things work out for them one way or another.[1]
    • If your friend really cares about your crush, the right thing to do may be to see how things go.
    • If your friend doesn’t seem to feel too seriously about your crush, he or she may understand if you tell them about how you feel.
    • If your friend has strong feelings for your crush and you interfere, you risk ending your friendship.
  2. Consider what’s best for your crush. Your crush’s feelings should be paramount to you if you really care about him or her, so take a step back and consider the situation. Does your crush seem to truly care about your friend? Are there any signs that he or she may have been interested in you?
    • It may be difficult to accept that your crush may not have an interest in you romantically, but understand that it doesn’t mean you are any less valuable or attractive as a person. Maybe you two simply aren’t right for each other.
    • If your crush seems like he or she is interested in you and doesn’t care too deeply about your friend, you may want to consider being honest with each of them about your feelings.
  3. Be honest with yourself about your feelings for your crush. There are many different kinds of crushes one can have on another person. How deep are your feelings for your crush? How well do you know him or her? If you have strong feelings you fear you may not be able to push aside, you may want to tell them the truth.[2]
    • If you don’t know your crush very well, it may not be worth the damage honesty could cause to your friendship.
    • If you are uncertain about your feelings, take a step back and give yourself some time. There’s no reason to make any rash decisions.
    • Infatuation and love are different emotions that feel very similar. Infatuation often occurs when you are caught up in the excitement of meeting a person you like, but the feelings often lack longevity.
  4. Decide whether to tell them. After considering your feelings, the feelings of your friend and the feelings of your crush, you’ll have to determine what you think the best course of action is. You may feel the right thing to do is to tell them both the truth about your feelings, or you may think it best that you keep them to yourself.
    • If you decide to tell them how you feel, consider talking to your friend about it first. Depending on the situation, your friend may understand and step aside.
    • Prepare yourself for things to go poorly if you choose to be honest. While everything may work out, you also run the risk of losing a friend and still not being able to date your crush.
    • Remember to be sensitive to their feelings as well as your own in your decision.

Coping with Heartache

  1. Remember that you have value. If you choose not to tell your crush about your feelings, or if you do but he or she doesn’t reciprocate them, you may find yourself feeling pretty down. These feelings are perfectly normal, but don’t allow them to skew your sense of self value.[3]
    • Make a list of the traits you have that a dating prospect would find valuable or attractive to remind you of your romantic strengths.
    • Remember that not being right for one person doesn’t mean you aren’t a great catch!
  2. Find an outlet for your feelings. It’s important that you not just bottle up your negative emotions. Find an outlet that you can use to safely express your feelings without any social fallout or embarrassment.[4]
    • Try writing in a journal on your laptop. Get your feelings out in words to help you better understand and cope with them.
    • If you feel like you need to cry, you should. Letting it out can make you feel much better and release tension that has built up throughout your interactions with your friend and crush.
    • Dancing, exercising, drawing or any number of other things can serve as a creative way to express your emotions. Keep trying until you find one that fits you.
  3. Don’t give in to self-destructive urges. Sometimes when we’re upset we make bad decisions; that’s part of being human, but don’t allow your bad feelings to lead you to make choices you know are harmful or destructive.[5]
    • Drinking and drugs may seem like they’ll help, but they often just make you feel worse in the long run. They can also lead to addiction and serious health issues.
    • It’s okay to spend some time lying on the couch and stress-eating, but don’t allow yourself to stay there for too long. Eating fattening foods and not getting any exercise can make you feel worse instead of better.
  4. Look to other friends for support. When you’re hurting, sometimes the best thing you can do is reach out to a friend or family member. Having a shoulder to cry on or a friendly ear to vent to can make a huge difference in how you feel when going through a difficult romantic situation.[4]
    • Focus on you and how you feel instead of discussing your friend or crush. Don’t put mutual friends in a difficult position by making them feel as though they need to choose sides.
    • You may feel embarrassed about the situation, but speaking to others can help you appreciate that heartache affects us all and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Moving On

  1. Decide when it’s time to move forward. There is nothing wrong with spending some time wallowing in your unhappiness, in fact, it’s part of the process, but eventually it will be time to get up, dust yourself off and start moving on. You may not feel like you want to, but when you’re ready, you may need to force yourself to get started.[6]
    • Focus on thinking positive thoughts and emphasize the parts of your life that are going well.
    • Make the conscious decision to start working on being happy again and take your happiness seriously.
    • Don’t ruminate on negative thoughts. When you feel yourself starting to get down, force yourself to think about something different.
  2. Take control of your life. One of the hardest parts about rejection or not being with the person we care about is the feeling of helplessness it can create. No matter how strong your feelings are, they can’t change how others feel. Take control back from that feeling of helplessness by taking charge of your life and your actions.[7]
    • Make conscious decisions before you act. Don’t just get through the day, choose what you are going to do and then go after it.
    • Make healthy choices to double up on the positivity gained through taking charge of your life. Choose to eat better, go for a run or something else that benefits you.
  3. Open yourself up to new romantic opportunities. Once you are feeling more like yourself again, it may be time to get back on the dating scene. Try to meet some new people and even go on some dates. While you may not find the right person right away, you may find that you enjoy the process and the opportunities it presents.[5]
    • If you get into a relationship, take it slow and allow your feelings to develop naturally.
    • Don’t put pressure on yourself to date if you’re not ready. Making some new friends could do just fine.
  4. Be kind to your friend and old crush. If things didn’t work out the way you’d hoped, that doesn’t make your friend or the crush that you’ve gotten over bad people. Just like with you, not being right for someone isn’t a gauge of their character. Don’t hold a grudge and try to remain friends if you’re comfortable with doing so.
    • If you don’t feel ready to be friends with either of them again, that’s okay. Take your time.
    • Remember that friendships are valuable. Treat each of them with kindness and there may come a day when things can go back to how they once were for each of you.
    • Remember that holding on to negative feelings hurts you more than anyone else.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2013/08/04/what-to-do-when-a-friend-is-in-a-bad-relationship/a-true-friend-will-tell-you-unpleasant-truths
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/201406/how-do-you-know-if-youre-in-love
  3. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/13/rejection-coping-methods-research_n_4919538.html
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://www.teenvogue.com/story/guide-to-rejection
  5. ↑ 5.0 5.1 http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/advice/a6970/breakup-grown-woman-recovery/
  6. ↑ http://www.teenvogue.com/story/guide-to-rejection
  7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/thriving101/201012/rejection-losers-guide
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