Deal With Stress in Relationships

Every relationship has rough spots. When that time comes, there's no need to freak out. Every relationship has its ups and downs: stress is just as natural a part of it as are more enjoyable moments. We all go through hard times at work or with our friends or family. Or perhaps, stress can come from a misunderstanding with your partner. This is the normal course of life: you shouldn't let it impact your relationship and your own emotional well-being.

Steps

Dealing with External Sources of Stress

1. Isolate the source of stress. This could come from either outside your relationship (work, family, financial issues) or from within. If the source of stress is not the relationship itself, don't let stress spoil your private life. Learn how to manage so that it doesn't seep into conversations with your partner.
   • When stress comes from outside the relationship, the best solution is to nip the problem in the bud. For example, if your dissatisfaction with a job is putting strain on your relationship, consider getting a new job instead of letting it affect your well-being.
2. Make a priority check. If your relationship matters more to you than the source of stress or the fact that you're stressed, then you should focus on your own and your partner's well-being.
   • Make it clear to your partner that your relationship is still more important than anything else. For example, you can say: "I'm sorry I'm going through a difficult time at work, and that this is putting a strain on us. You know you're what matters the most to me."
3. Deal with stress together, not as individuals. See you and your partner as a team facing a difficult time and looking for a solution together. Put your ego in a corner and think through problems by asking yourself "What can we do?" rather than "What can I do?"
   • If the stress is due to your partner's dealing with a hard situation, sympathize and show your active encouragement. As part of a team, you're called to play the role of helper and comforter.
   • Make it clear that you are committed to the relationship no matter what problem you and your partner are dealing with. Stress tests the strength of any relationship. If you want to stay together despite the hardships, state it clearly.
4. Work on your communication skills. Most relationship problems have their origin in the partners' failure to express their concerns and emotions straightforwardly. The first skill a couple needs as a team is to speak clearly, honestly and respectfully.
   • Don't hold back your feelings. Silence is another source of strain in itself, and will only build up tensions. Express all your concerns and emotions, but do it in a way that is sincere and not judgmental. Go for positive statements like "I'm feeling..." or "I think that...", rather than questions ("Why did you...?") or negative sentences ("I didn't like...").
   • Humor is a great for relieving tension. Making a joke about a difficult situation, or seeing its funny side, will give both of you a positive outlet for your stress and help you put things into perspective. However, make the joke on you or the difficult situation, not on your partner.
5. Face financial problems together. Money is one of the first causes of stress in a relationship. If debt, unemployment or related issues are putting a strain on your life as a couple, you should be open about it and look for a solution together.
   • Look for professional financial advise without feeling ashamed. It is an adviser's job to help people through difficult times: you situation is just one of many they've dealt with.
   • Don't blame each other for being in dire straits. Accusing your partner of spending money on a night out instead of saving it for more important stuff will only increase tension.
   • Don't hide anything from your partner and make sure he or she is just as transparent. Discuss honestly how money loss has changed your life and how this is making you feel.
6. Remember that work shouldn't take over your relationship. Jobs take up a large part of everyone's life and energy. However, work-related stress can often affect a couple's well-being. This doesn't mean you have to keep it all to yourself. Share it with your partner and find stress-relieving activities together.
   • Don't ever use your job as a term of comparison with your partner. You might have similar or completely different occupations, but it's never a good idea to measure your professional success or failures against your partner's.
   • Allow yourself and your partner some quality time off work. You can actually cheat on your job, every once in a while, as a sign that what you truly care about is not in your office.
7. Learn to cope with illness as a couple. Chronic pain or an unexpected disease can put a lot of strain on a relationship. If this happens, remember that illness can change your habits but you're still the same people as before. Deal with the change together, and don't forget that partners are there to help each other especially in this case.
   • If you're in pain, don't hold back. Let your partner know how this is affecting your life and making you feel. You can't expect your partner to read your mind: express yourself clearly and don't be afraid to ask for help.
   • Keep having sex, if your own or your partner's condition still makes it possible. Being ill doesn't mean you should give up on life as a whole. Make the most of what you can still enjoy!
8. Listen. In stressful times, you might tend to focus on your own problems and feelings. This can make you forget that your partner can help you only if you let him or her speak.
   • Don't dismiss what they say: think their advice through and show gratitude for the effort.

Overcoming Relationship Trouble

1. Isolate the problem in your relationship. If the stress comes from difficulties in your relationship, make a distinction between such problems and the relationship itself. You shouldn't let one single difficulty affect the entire relationship.
   • Find out what doesn't work in the relationship and address this specific issue by using what does work as a point of strength.
2. Give responses, not reactions. What makes a reaction different from a response is its intensity and emotional subtext. Think your answers through. If one implies anger, sarcasm, accusations, it's a reaction. This will only turn communication into a table-tennis match where the goal is to win rather than to find a solution. However, a team always plays on the same side.
   • Don't phrase your comments as judgments or blame your partner out of spite. This can only lead to further stress and misunderstanding. You can do this by focusing on future objectives rather than past actions. If you were disappointed at your partner's not doing the dishes, seize the next occasion to ask them to do the dishes, without mentioning the fact that they didn't in the past.
   • Don't invalidate your partner's opinions just to win an argument. Proving yourself right might be good for your ego, but it never makes a team stronger.
   • Understand that, when we're angry, communication follows war patterns: aggression and defense. You should avoid both, and try to bring the conversation back to equal terms. Express ideas as positive statements, without using them as weapons or shields.
3. Discuss rough reactions openly. If your partner's tone becomes aggressive or judgmental, point it out gently and ask what was behind the message. What we say is usually not as important as why we said it. This will help you address the original source of stress, instead of spending time arguing over a harsh reply.
   • Be tolerant if your partner has a bad reaction. If this happens repeatedly, point out this is not a useful discussion. It will never lead to a solution but only further stress.
4. Respect your partner and expect respect in return. This is the golden rule of any relationship. Showing each other respect through what you say or do will decrease the level of stress, whether the source is external or internal.
   • Respect means having equal power in a relationship. What you say or do is just as important as what your partner says or does. Stress, instead, always derives from a power imbalance. For example, one of the two partners might be overly controlling or submissive.
5. Trust and accept your partner as he or she is. Stress can also come from failed expectations. If that is the case, the problem is in what you expected rather than what your partner failed to provide. You chose your partner with all his or her faults and weaknesses, not as a fixer-upper. Love rests on acceptance and confidence.
   • A consequence of acceptance is forgiveness. Your partner might have done something wrong. If your relationship is what matters the most, however, you should let go instead of holding grudges.
6. Be open to negotiation and surrender. Every relationship calls for continuous rearrangements and resolutions of conflicts. If communication is smooth and equal, negotiation happens as a natural process. This also means you should know how to lose or give up an argument, if that's not what matters the most to you.
   • Surrendering doesn't mean passively fulfilling all of your partner's wants. It is an active choice to downsize your desire to be always right or in control. However, this must also occur on a mutual basis. If you're the one surrendering all the time, there is a power imbalance that needs to be worked out.
7. Talk to a relationship coach if needed. If you think stress has had too much of an impact on your relationship and that you and your partner cannot solve the problem on your own, discuss with him or her the possibility of seeking professional help. A counselor will offer an objective point of view and help you focus on strategies to attack the problem.
   • If your partner doesn't want to join you, you can still meet with a counselor or therapist on your own. This will provide an external outlet where you can take out your stress and get professional advice on how to deal with it.

Dealing with Stress on Your Own Time

1. Take some time off from your partner. A relationship can often feel like a 24/7 job. However, it's perfectly natural to feel like spending some time on your own every once in a while, especially if you're under pressure. Find activities you can do by yourself without fearing that this would hurt the relationship.
   • If you're stressed because you feel you've lost your own self in a relationship, try to reaffirm your individuality and what makes you a unique person.
   • In fact, enjoying some independence will make you go back to your partner as a stronger individual. Missing each other is good: it helps you realize why your partner is so important and cherish the time you spend together.
2. Find alternative ways to decompress. Especially if stress comes from outside the relationship, you should find external outlets so that you can unload the burden before being with your partner.
   • This depends on what way is best for you to decompress: sport works for many people. However, you might prefer reading, going out more often, walking or meditation.
3. Exercise. There is no better way to take the burden off your chest than shake it away with physical activity. Even if you're not exactly the sporty kind, you can be sure that sweating out stress will lessen its impact on your relationship.
   • The kind of activity depends on what you find most effective as a stress relief. Cardio activities like jogging, swimming or cycling can give you a chance to clear your mind. Or, you might prefer kickboxing or martial arts if you need to take out nervous tension. Yoga can work best if you wish to combine sport and meditation.
4. Share problems with your family and friends. Your partner shouldn't be the only person you unload your stress with. Talk to close friends or family members about your concerns and ask for their advice and sympathy.
   • If you talk to someone in your family, make sure they would be supportive. You don't want family issues to add more stress to what you're already going through!
   • Friends who care about you but are personally uninvolved in what's causing you stress could be the best people to talk to. For example, if stress comes from your job, look for support from a friend who's not linked to it.

Warnings

• Remember that avoiding issues can work as a short-term solution, but it only increases your level of stress in the long run.
• If your partner's actions make you feel emotionally, physically or financially unsafe, this means that a limit has been crossed. In that case, you should seriously reconsider your relationship and contact a program for abuse victims.

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Sources and Citations

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