Avoid Bad Relationships

A healthy relationship is characterized by respect, trust, honesty, good communication, and the ability for each person to keep an individual identity and personality. A bad or unhealthy relationship can be characterized by the opposite of all these things — disrespect, dishonesty, lies, lack of communication, and the pressure to change who you are for your partner. Healthy relationships can sometimes include these not-so-great characteristics, but only for infrequent short periods of time. If the relationship you’re in is experiencing any of these ‘symptoms’ on a regular basis, for significant periods of time, you’re probably in a bad relationship that needs to end. Learn to recognize these negative signs in every relationship you have right from the start.

Steps

Avoiding Unhealthy Relationships

1. Determine what truly satisfies you. What really matters to you in a relationship? What are the beliefs you need to maintain in a relationship? What are you passionate about that your partner needs to respect? What activities actually make you feel good and you’d want to continue while in a relationship? Try not to focus on the negatives (i.e. what makes you unhappy or mad). Focus on the positives. Focus on the things that truly satisfy you — make you feel good inside, make you happy, and don’t give you any stress.
   • Seriously think about these things, then write them down. You might need a decent period of time to think of everything.
   • Read back through your list. These are the things you want and need in any relationship. These items should be non-negotiable.
2. Learn from your past. It can be rather easy to repeatedly have bad relationships because you don’t make the time to figure out what went wrong in your previous relationships. Before entering a new relationship, stop and think about all your past relationships. How many have you had that ended up bad and unhealthy? Why did they end up this way? What was it about your partner that didn’t work for you? What things did work?
   • Think about the emotional needs you have for a relationship and whether past partners met those needs. If they didn’t, why? What was missing? What would you have wanted to see from your partner?
   • Think about whether you had a partner who actually ‘got’ you. Did your partner understand and appreciate your quirks? Did your partner support the things you were passionate about? What do you wish you partner had understood about you?
   • Look for patterns in your past relationships. Did your partners all have the same personality traits? Did you advance the relationship too quickly? These patterns are the things you need to avoid in future relationships, as they are not working for you.
3. Start new relationships slowly. There is no reason to rush into a relationship. When you first meet someone whom you think might be a good partner, see them occasionally — not often. Take it slow. If you have a history of bad relationships, it’s possible you got too attached, too quickly.
   • This time around, get to know the person over time. Don’t become dependent upon this new person for anything (yet). Be aware of your behaviour. Try to avoid making impulsive decisions.
4. Remember that physical attraction doesn’t equal love. Physical attraction can be strong and sometimes sudden. It can overwhelm the senses and potentially lead to bad decisions. In some cases, the physical attraction is the starting point to a long-term, loving relationship. In other cases, the physical attraction is mistaken for love.
   • If you’re in a state of mind where you crave attention, you might not be able to distinguish between the attention you need and the attention you want. Desperation and neediness is not healthy. Don’t make your big relationship decisions when you’re in a desperate or needy state, as you’ll most likely make the decision for the wrong reasons.
5. Keep your independence. No matter where you are in a relationship, you need to keep some of your independence. Not only does keeping your independence ensure you have a healthy relationship, it also helps you create healthy attachments. If you’ve had one or more bad relationships in the past, you may be tempted to become dependent upon your partner quickly because it’s easier. But once you get too attached, it can be hard to pull away again — and it can be harder to notice the symptoms of a bad relationship.
   • Keeping your independence also means keeping your current circle of friends and making time to be with them. A relationship shouldn’t replace your friends. A relationship should complement them. When you’re thinking of starting a new relationship, take advantage of your circle of friends and lean on them for support.
6. Obtain an objective opinion. Sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. We’re so close to our own experiences that we are unable to view them objectively — especially where emotions are concerned. When you’re thinking of starting a new relationship, get the opinion of a close friend or family member. Someone who is capable of being objective, and doesn’t have any of their own interests tied to your potential partner or your relationship. An objective third party may be able to see things about your potential relationship that you simply have not noticed.
   • This type of objective opinion isn’t just to make sure you don’t get into a bad relationship. This objective opinion is also helpful to ensure you get into a good relationship. You may be hesitant to start a relationship with someone who doesn't possess the same characteristics that your old partners had, but in reality, this is a good thing.
7. Develop positive expectations. One unfortunate reason why people repeatedly end up in bad relationships is because of negative thinking. If you think negatively, chances are something negative is going to happen. And when it does, it simply backs up what you predicted would happen. In other words, you set yourself up for failure (maybe without even realizing it).
   • Before getting into a relationship, develop a list of positive (and realistic) expectations. Base these expectations on the analysis of yourself (i.e. what satisfies you) and on the analysis of your past relationships (i.e. what didn’t work before).
   • You are not a victim, nor should you want to be one. Being a victim might get you more attention, but it’s the wrong kind of attention. You don’t want people to feel sorry for you. You want people to feel happy for you.
   • Just because you’ve had bad luck in the past doesn’t mean you’re cursed. You’re not destined to always have bad relationships. You can change the direction of your life, but it may mean you need to take a small leap of faith or a risk.
8. Learn the early signs of a bad relationship. Many types of relationships can be dysfunctional, but one particularly bad type is the codependent relationship. A codependent relationship is one where one partner enables or supports the other partner’s underachievement, irresponsibility, immaturity, addiction, procrastination or poor health. The so-called ‘supportive' partner essentially carries the load. And by not allowing the ‘supported' partner to bear consequences, this partner never learn from their mistakes.
   • Unfortunately this type of relationship can take an awful toll on the ‘supportive’ partner and become an emotional and physical (not to mention financial) drain.
   • Eventually the ‘supportive’ partner develops a strong resentment towards the ‘supported’ partner because they aren’t pulling their weight. Ironically, of course, the fault doesn’t lie with just one person.
   • The ‘supported’ partner is no better off. This partner develops such a strong sense of dependence to the ‘supporter’ that functioning independently becomes impossible.
   • Relationships, in general, should be balanced. If you start to notice your potential partner always seems to be ‘coming to the rescue’ or always needs to be ‘rescued,’ this is not a good sign.

Recognizing an Unhealthy Relationship

1. Treat each other with respect. Respect should be the cornerstone of any relationship. This means that each member of the relationship should not feel the need to control or manipulate the other person. No one in a healthy relationship should feel the need to make the other person feel bad, guilty or ridiculed.
   • And if it is a romantic relationship, sex should not be used as a weapon or tool, and should only occur when both people want it.
2. Trust each other. Trust comes in multiple formats. Each partner in a relationship should always feel trusted by the other partner. This includes trusting that no cheating is taking place; trust that no one is being disrespectful; and trust that each partner is able to have secrets without feeling guilt.
3. Feel secure and comfortable with each other. Both members of any relationship need to feel safe and secure around each other. No one should feel scared or nervous when in the other’s presence, especially of any form of violence.
   • This also includes no one having any fear that the other person is going to have a temper that suddenly explodes and results in things being punched or thrown.
4. Resolve conflicts fairly. Conflicts will happen in any relationship. However, healthy relationships should spend more time outside of a conflict than in one. If a conflict happens in a healthy relationship, it should be resolved respectfully and without any lasting damage. Conflict in an unhealthy relationship may appear to be resolved, but upon closer examination you may find it was not resolved fairly.
   • Compromises are required at times, but it should not always be weighted in one partner’s favour.
5. Support each other. Each person in the relationship should be able to support the other in whatever they choose to do (or not to do). This also means that each partner should have the ability to express themselves and their opinions without being concerned about negative consequences. It’s okay not to like something your partner says or does, but you don’t need to like it to support it.
   • You should never have to sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your partner’s.
   • Sometimes being able to support your partner means not agreeing with something. This is especially true when that ‘something’ may result in the partner becoming hurt or injured. For example, not agreeing that your partner should have another drink because your partner needs to drive home.
6. Value your partner's friends and interests. A healthy relationship includes both members having other healthy friendships. Each person in a relationship should be able to continue the friendships they had before the relationship started. And neither member in the relationship should have friendships criticized or friends disrespected.
   • No member of a healthy relationship should feel the need to be isolated from family and friends because of their partner.
   • If one member of the relationship feels the other person is in an unhealthy friendship, something should be said. However, it should be handled in a respectful, not critical, manner.
7. Respect each other’s privacy. Each member of a healthy relationship needs to understand that each partner needs to keep some things private. Not for deceptive purposes, but simply because no person’s life is an open book. Privacy includes neither partner feeling obligated to share every phone call, email or text they receive with the other partner. And neither partner should fear that the other is going to become jealous and possessive if something is kept private.
   • Respecting each other’s privacy is related to the fact that you trust each other.

Healing from Past Relationships

1. Realize that you might be hanging onto the past. Your past, in many ways, is comfortable. You know what to expect. Because of this, many people tend to get into relationships that encourage their past destructive behaviours. You may believe a partner is good for you because the your past destructive, but familiar, behaviour is is reinforced. This, unfortunately, is dysfunctional. Chances are this past behaviour is not helping you in the present, and will not help you in the future.
2. Develop a plan and stick to it. If a talk with your partner didn’t work, then you need to implement your plan. Having a plan is great because it helps you stay motivated. You plan in this case should include how, when and where you’re going to break-up with your partner. It should also include plans on what you’ll do under certain circumstances or situations (e.g. what’s your plan if your partner calls you, what’s your plan if your partner comes knocking on your door, what’s your plan if your partner talks badly to your friends about you, etc.).
   • It’s helpful to put all your plans in an “if … then” format (i.e. if this happen, then I’ll do this). Make sure the “then” plan is something that’s beneficial for you in the long term, not something that will give you a brief sense of happiness that won’t last.
3. Understand the common reactions to the end of a relationship. When a bad relationship is over, you might start to feel one or more of the following things. This is perfectly normal. And as bad as you may feel at the moment, know that you will feel happy again. This is not a permanent state.
   • Shame or guilt that you did something wrong. Guilt that you put friends or family through pain and suffering.
   • The need to withdraw from family and friends because no one gets what you’re going through.
   • A lack of trust in other people, especially when it comes to your emotions.
   • The feeling of complete and total despair and powerlessness.
   • The inability to engage in sexual relationships — or engaging in damaging sexual activity.
   • Anger towards your former partner, yourself and anyone else who might have been involved, or gave an opinion at some point.
   • Flashbacks that come on suddenly and unexpectedly, and make it difficult to engage in similar activities because of the constant reminder.
4. Overcome the shame and guilt. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. If necessary, say this over and over to yourself as often as needed, because it’s true. It isn’t your fault. You did not set out to be hurt or get into a bad relationship. You did not force your former partner to be disrespectful or even violent.
   • Think about the breakup from a different (and positive) perspective — that you’re freeing up your former partner’s schedule for other activities.
5. Continue healthy relationships. These may be relationships you already have with friends or family, or they can be new friendships. The key is that they be healthy and based on trust and respect. If you withdrew yourself while you were healing, you may need to reconnect with some family and friends to demonstrate your willingness for a healthy relationship. But if they’re supportive of you, which is what you want, they will understand.
6. Learn to trust again. This may be a hard step, but it is possible if you work at it. You are going to need to learn to trust other people at some point in your life, so why not start now? Part of being able to trust other people is to learn to trust yourself. Trust that you’ll make good decisions, and that if you make a mistake, it’s not the end of the world.
7. Let the anger out. Anger is actually healthy. Feeling angry can assist with your recovery, so go ahead and punch that pillow. Don’t be afraid to cry either. When you allow yourself to feel your emotions, it’s a good thing. Don’t be ashamed to feel your emotions, they’re a part of who you are. This is also a great opportunity to turn some of that anger into something productive. Maybe you’d like to take up self defence lessons, or get a gym membership.

Tips

• Relationships come in many shapes and sizes, including: romantic, work, and family relationships, and friendships. All of these types of relationships need to be healthy to be successful for both people involved.
• If you are being abused don't be afraid to tell someone or call an abuse hotline (in the United States 1-800-799-7233 is the domestic abuse hotline).

Warnings

• If you, or someone you know, needs help because of an unhealthy relationship, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This hotline is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You can call them at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website at http://www.thehotline.org.
• If you are a post-secondary student, know that most (if not all) university and college campuses have many resources and programs to help you. Take the time to search your school’s website for counselling services, help or support centres.

Related Articles

• Have a Healthy Relationship
• Start a Relationship
• End a Relationship
• Solve Relationship Problems
• Bring Love Into a Relationship

Sources and Citations

• http://www.scu.edu/wellness/topics/relationships/warningsigns.cfm
• https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-practice/201502/51-signs-unhealthy-relationship

See also

• Overcome an Infatuation
• Get out of a Bad Relationship
• Deal With a Boyfriend That Has ADHD
• Deal With Stress in Relationships
• Overcome Jealousy
• Tell Someone They're Moving Too Fast
• Stop Over Thinking in a Relationship
• Ignore a Guy That You Like
• Fix a Huge Argument with Your Girlfriend
• Stop Arguing With Your Boyfriend

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