Deal With a Boyfriend That Has ADHD

Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) presents symptoms that can lead to a person having more difficulties with attention, impulsive behaviors, forgetfulness and focusing. Having a boyfriend diagnosed with ADHD can create challenges for your relationship. But it can be easier to cope with those challenges if you understand the effects of ADHD and how to manage them.

Steps

Learning about ADHD

  1. Determine if your boyfriend has inattentive symptoms of ADHD. In order to qualify for a diagnosis, the person must exhibit at least five symptoms (for an adult) or six symptoms (for someone 16 and under) in more than one setting, for at least six months. Symptoms must be inappropriate for the person’s developmental level and be seen as interrupting normal functioning on the job or in social or school settings. Symptoms for ADHD (inattentive presentation) include: [1]
    • Makes careless mistakes, is inattentive to detail
    • Has trouble paying attention (tasks, playing)
    • Doesn’t seem to be paying attention when someone is talking to him
    • Doesn’t follow through (homework, chores, jobs); easily sidetracked
    • Is organizationally challenged
    • Avoids tasks requiring sustained focus (like schoolwork)
    • Can’t keep track of or often loses keys, glasses, papers, tools, etc.
    • Is easily distracted
    • Is forgetful
  2. Determine if your boyfriend has hyperactivity/impulsivity symptoms of ADHD. ADHD also has a Hyperactive-Impulsive presentation. Some symptoms must be at the level of “disruptive” for them to count in a diagnosis. Track if your boyfriend has at least five symptoms (for an adult) or six symptoms (for someone 16 and under) in more than one setting, for at least six months: [1]
    • Fidgety, squirmy; taps hands or feet
    • Feels restless
    • Struggles to play quietly/do quiet activities
    • “On the go” as if “driven by a motor”
    • Excessive talking
    • Blurts out even before questions are asked
    • Struggles to wait for his turn
    • Interrupts others, inserts self into others’ discussions/games
  3. Assess if your boyfriend have Combined ADHD. If your boyfriend has five symptoms (for adults) or six symptoms (for children 16 and under) from either the inattentive or hyperactive-impulsive category of ADHD, he may have Combined presentation of ADHD. [1]
  4. Suggest that he gets diagnosed by a mental health professional. As you determine the level of your boyfriend’s ADHD, suggest that he sees a mental health professional to get an official diagnosis.
    • This person will also be able to determine whether your symptoms can be better explained by or attributable to another mental or psychotic disorder.
  5. Have him talk with his mental health professional about other disorders. As if having an ADHD diagnosis isn’t challenging enough, one out of every five with ADHD is diagnosed with another serious disorder (depression and bipolar disorder are common partners). One-third of children with ADHD also have a behavioral disorder (conduct disorder, oppositional defiance disorder). [2] ADHD tends to pair up with learning disabilities and anxiety, too.[3]

Giving Support

  1. Ask him how his ADHD makes him feel. Those who don’t have ADHD don’t really understand the challenges of those who do. One adult with ADHD described it as being “like trying to build a house of cards in a dust storm.” [4] Give your boyfriend the chance to tell you what it feels like for him to have ADHD. When you understand how he feels, you will have a better chance of supporting him in a positive way. Others have described ADHD like this: [5]
    • “Like I need an ‘off’ button for my brain.”
    • “Imagine that you crawled on your knees your whole life, but everybody around you walked on two legs. You recognize that you are different, and you know you should be walking like everyone else, but you just can't keep your balance on two legs the way you can when you crawl.”
    • “It feels like there is always noise in my head--a constant buzzing that I can't make sense of.”
    • “Everyone thinks I do dumb things on purpose …. Sometimes I just feel stupid.”
  2. Separate the person from the symptoms. Your boyfriend is a special part of your life and deserves to be treated as that special person. His ADHD symptoms may be frustrating sometimes, but you shouldn’t define him or your relationship by those symptoms. As your boyfriend is increasingly able to manage his symptoms, his ADHD’s impact on both of you will ease up. [6]
    • Remember the things that attracted you to him in the first place.
  3. Be his point person for recognizing overwhelming situations. A crowded venue with music and many conversations happening simultaneously, a potpourri of aromas ranging from air fresheners, flowers, and food to perfumes and colognes, and perhaps a variety of lighting effects such as television screens or computer displays can be overwhelming to an individual with ADHD. [7] One possible solution to handle situations like this is for you to act as an anchor during this type of event. Because you can read your boyfriend’s moods, you can recognize when he needs to step outside for a moment of relative quiet and re-grounding.
  4. Suggest that your boyfriend sees a mental health therapist. Adults with ADHD generally benefit from psychotherapy.[8] This treatment helps individuals accept who they are, while at the same time helps them seek improvements to their situation.
    • Cognitive behavioral therapy directly geared toward treating ADHD has been useful for many patients. This type of therapy addresses some of the core problems caused by ADHD, such as time management and organizational issues.[9]

Living Everyday Life

  1. Make time to connect with each other. Schedule date nights and other activities so that you spend time together. Have conversations with each other about things that are interesting to both of you.[10], [11]
    • Spend some time snuggling every morning. Physical closeness can make you feel more affectionate and connected with your boyfriend. Hold hands and give each other hugs frequently.[10]
  2. Make eye contact when talking with your boyfriend. Help him focus and hear your requests by making eye contact. Touch his arm when you’re talking with him. Making physical contact can help him keep his attention on what you’re saying.[12]
  3. Leave his things alone. People with ADHD often need to have their things in a particular order or place. If he expects his keys to be in a certain place every night, don’t move them.[13] Having consistent routines is part of managing ADHD effectively, so don’t disrupt his efforts to do this.
  4. Help with organization. People with ADHD often have trouble with organization and managing time. This can be especially frustrating to a person without ADHD. For example, your boyfriend might be forgetful or show up late for events. Help your boyfriend get more organized by talking about your schedules frequently and keeping a central calendar. Buy him a daily planner with plenty of space for writing daily notes.[14]
  5. Prepare for mood changes. Your boyfriend is likely to have rapid mood changes. Knowing what to do and how to respond to these mood changes will help you weather them better. Help him find activities that shift focus away from the bad mood, such as talking, exercising or going to a movie.
  6. Avoid parenting your partner. One of the biggest challenges in a relationship with one ADHD partner is the tendency of the other partner to take charge. Because it can be hard for someone with ADHD to manage time and stay organized and focused, the non-ADHD person may feel it’s easier to take charge. But this can lead to resentment and stress.[11]
    • Use “I” statements to communicate your feelings.[15] Tell your partner how you’re feeling in a way that takes responsibility for your own reactions. These types of statements do not blame your partner. For example, say, “I feel like I’ve got more on my plate than I can handle right now. Would you be able to take the car to the mechanic?”
    • Stop nagging your boyfriend. Instead, focus on communicating positively and optimistically. Recognize that your boyfriend is dealing with a challenging disorder and is trying to overcome this obstacle.
    • Divide up chores according to each other’s strengths. Avoid frustration by doing the chores that are better suited to your abilities, and let your partner do the chores that are better suited to his abilities. For example, you might take over paying the bills and grocery shopping, while he can mow the lawn and do laundry.[16]
  7. Don’t take things too personally. Your boyfriend may have emotional outbursts, impulsive behavior, and forgetfulness. As a result, you might feel unloved, underappreciated or taken for granted. But he is not going out of his way to make you feel these emotions. His ADHD makes it difficult to control certain behaviors. He can learn coping techniques to help with this, but be sure not to take his reactions personally. Remember that his ADHD is a very real disorder that changes how he might otherwise act.[16]

Taking Care of Yourself

  1. Recharge your batteries from time to time. You may feel overwhelmed by the level of support you are giving to your boyfriend. It’s crucial that you get breaks periodically so that you can recharge your batteries. This might be as simple as getting coffee by yourself or going to a movie with another friend. Or, you might go away for the weekend with a girlfriend.
  2. See a mental health therapist. Therapy can provide a safe place for you to vent your frustrations in a healthy way and work out issues with professional guidance. Find a therapist that specializes in relationships and ADHD.
  3. Join a support group. Numerous organizations provide individual support to friends and family members, as well as networking amongst members who can get together online or in person to share problems and solutions. Search online for a support group in your area.
  4. Find online resources. There are numerous online resources that provide information, advocacy and support for individuals with ADHD and their families and friends. Some resources include:
    • Attention Deficit Disorder Association (ADDA) distributes information via its website, through webinars, and via newsletters. It also provides electronic support, one-on-one live support, and conferences.
    • Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD) was founded in 1987 and now has over 12,000 members. It provides information, training, and advocacy for persons with ADHD and those who care about them.
    • ADHD & You provides resources for adults with ADHD, parents of children with ADHD, teachers and healthcare providers who serve persons with ADHD. It includes a section of online videos for teachers and guidelines for school staff to work more successfully with students who have ADHD.
  5. Talk with your family and friends. You may find it useful to talk about your boyfriend’s ADHD with a family member or a trusted friend. These are also people who you can call when you find yourself having difficulty handling your boyfriend’s ADHD.

Tips

  • When you are discouraged, be patient with yourself and with him.
  • Express your feelings rather than keep them in.

Warnings

  • A person with ADHD symptoms may not always see how his moods change. He may also not quite see that he has a responsibility to work toward communicating his feelings and thoughts. You cannot take that responsibility on yourself. He may easily be annoyed or forgetful, sometimes saying, "It's not my fault." But everyone is responsible for how he behaves, no matter what disorders he may have. Being negative or critical in response to his behaviors or attitude can simply feed his negativity and mood swings.

Related Articles

  • Treat ADHD
  • Treat ADHD in Teens
  • Define ADHD
  • Focus with ADHD

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 Attention-Deficit / Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): Symptoms and Diagnosis found at http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html
  2. ↑ Why Is My Child’s ADHD Not Better Yet? Recognizing The Undiagnosed Secondary Conditions That May Be Affecting Your Child’s Treatment by David Gottlieb, Thomas Shoaf, and Risa Graff (2006).
  3. ↑ The ADHD Update: Understanding Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder by Alvin and Virginia Silverstein and Laura Silverstein Nunn (2008).
  4. ↑ What It’s Like To Have ADHD? By Dr. Edward Hallowell, found at http://www.healthyplace.com/adhd/articles/whats-it-like-to-have-adhd/
  5. ↑ What Does It Feel Like to Have ADHD? ADDitude Magazine, Winter 2012. http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/9774.html
  6. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201310/50-ways-not-leave-your-adhd-lover
  7. ↑ On Their Own: Creating an Independent Future for Your Child With Learning Disabilities and ADHD by Anne Ford (2007).
  8. ↑ What Causes ADHD? (by National Institute of Mental Health) found at http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder/index.shtml?rf=71264#pub3
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/here-there-and-everywhere/201210/cbt-adhd-interview-mary-solanto-phd
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201310/50-ways-not-leave-your-adhd-lover
  11. ↑ 11.0 11.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/adhds-impact-on-relationships-10-tips-to-help/
  12. ↑ http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/658.html
  13. ↑ http://www.additudemag.com/adhd-web/article/658.html
  14. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2012/06/07/12-best-tips-for-coping-with-adhd/
  15. ↑ http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12937/Dating-Someone-With-ADDADHD/
  16. ↑ 16.0 16.1 http://www.helpguide.org/articles/add-adhd/adult-adhd-attention-deficit-disorder-and-relationships.htm
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