Deal With a Best Friend Cutting the Friendship for Good

The breakup of a friendship can be particularly painful when your best friend decides to end it. It can take time to get over such a blow, and it is okay to take care of yourself and focus on your feelings. Allow yourself to grieve this loss, find ways to keep yourself busy and start fresh with some new activities, and maintain your social life. You can get through this, and you may even feel stronger once you come out on the other side.

Steps

Coping with Your Feelings

  1. Allow yourself to grieve. It’s okay to be sad. While we tend to give a lot of sympathy and understanding for people ending romantic relationships, we don’t generally extend that same courtesy to those who endure a Grieve-and-Move-On. Yet these are often just as painful.[1]
    • Understand that you are grieving a loss, and the best way to manage grief is to allow your feelings to flow. It is painful to experience the feelings, but letting them out will help you feel better and move past the sadness. Letting yourself cry if you need to is a good way to express your grief.[2]
    • Grief ebbs and flows. For example, you may be feeling fine and then you are reminded of a memory of your friend, and all of the sudden you feel horrible again. This is normal, and as time goes on, will happen less frequently.
    • Keep in mind that grief is different for everyone.[3] Allow yourself the time and freedom to grieve the Deal-With-Losing-a-Best-Friend in ways that feel natural to you. As you grieve, try to maintain your normal routine. Exercise daily and spend time talking with friends and family to help yourself feel better.
    • Talking with a counselor can also be helpful. If you are struggling with your grief and do not feel like it is getting any better, consider talking to a counselor, whether it is through your school or a counseling center.
  2. Stand up for yourself. The loss of a friendship can be a significant life event for a person, but sometimes, people can say rather heartless things as they encourage you to feel better. Don’t allow your feelings to be diminished by someone else.[4]
    • If they say, “Stop being so sad, it’s not like someone died!” you could say, “I know you’re trying to help me get some perspective, but I just lost my best friend, and it is hard. It’s okay for me to be sad for a while.” Or, you can say, "What you said seems very invalidating to my feelings. I lost a long time friend, and this is a difficult time for me. I am asking you to respect that, and allow me go through this emotional process right now."
  3. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself plenty of time and space to deal with your feelings. Life might feel harder for a while, and you may feel more easily depressed or frustrated. This is also normal as you grieve.[1]
    • Do things you enjoy that help you feel better. Go for a bike ride, watch a movie with your cousin, hang out with the youth group at your religious institution, or take a bath.
    • Things that you do for your physical, mental, social, or spiritual health that you know help you feel better are actions of self-care. Self-care looks different for everybody. Think of some ways you can practice self-care--maybe you enjoy hiking, reading, or going out dancing with your friends.[5]
  4. Talk to someone about how you are feeling. It could be another friend, a parent, a school counselor, or another trusted adult. Rejection is tough to deal with and having someone there to validate your feelings can often help you through the process.
    • Find someone you trust who is a good listener. You could say, “Would you mind if I vent? I’ve been so upset about my fight with Kaylee. She doesn’t want to be friends anymore.”
    • If you are concerned about what you tell someone getting back to your ex-friend, consider talking to someone who is not in your social circle, or someone who goes to a different school.
  5. Get some perspective. You may not be ready right away to think objectively about your friendship, but it will come in time. When you are ready, spend some time thinking about your friendship. Everything can be a learning experience, so ask yourself, “What did I learn or take away from my experiences?” and “Why did this friendship end?”
    • Look for lessons in the friendship. What did your friend teach you? It might be good stuff, like how to throw a curveball or how to be generous, but you might also have learned some hard lessons. Perhaps you did something to cause your friendship to end, or maybe you learned how not to break up with a friend.[6]
    • Sometimes friends grow apart as life changes. You and your best friend may have been best friends in childhood, but now that you are in high school, you may find yourselves being pulled in different directions. This is a common experience for many people, though it can still be painful.[7]
  6. Write a letter you don’t send. Consider writing a letter to your friend explaining how you feel. It won’t be a letter they ever see, but it will help you process your feelings nevertheless.[1] After you write the letter, you can read it aloud to yourself and then bury or burn it to help you release the feelings you have expressed in the letter.
    • Writing a letter to someone without sending it has similar psychological benefits to having a conversation with the person. Trying this technique could be especially valuable if your friend will no longer talk to you at all. It may help you get some closure.[8]
    • You could write a letter to your friend in a journal or other private place where you feel comfortable letting out all of your feelings.
  7. Focus on the positive in your life. Losing a friend is difficult and sad, but think of the other things in your life that can keep you going. These may be family, friends, hobbies you love, nature, or faith.
    • Cultivate gratitude and a positive outlook by keeping a gratitude journal.
    • Practice prayer or meditation to help you stay centered, peaceful, and hopeful.[9]
    • Try watching inspirational TED Talks online to get some daily motivation.
    • Join a group where you can surround yourself with positive-minded individuals and make some new friends. For example, if you like to read, then you could join a book club.

Staying Busy

  1. Get creative. A great way to stay busy while you are grieving is to engage in a creative hobby. Expressing yourself creatively can help you channel your feelings into something powerful that others may be able to relate to as well.
    • Maybe you have an artistic outlet you already enjoy. Stay busy expressing yourself through your painting, dancing, or poetry.
    • You could also take this opportunity to try something new. Maybe you have always wanted to learn to sculpt. Consider signing up for an art class next semester to help you learn how.
    • Find a friend who is artistic and ask for advice. You could say, “I’d like to learn to paint. Do you think you could show me some pointers?”
  2. Volunteer. Helping someone in need can make your own problems seem much more trivial by comparison. Find a local organization whose cause you support and find out how you can get involved.
    • You can get just as many benefits from volunteering as the organization you are helping. You can feel good about doing good and feel valued for the work that you are doing.[10]
    • You may also have the opportunity to learn some new skills that can benefit you in school or the workplace. Volunteering also looks great on resumes and college applications.
  3. Join a new club or activity. Having something to do can take your focus off losing your friend while allowing you to make new friends. Think about a club at school you’ve always wanted to join, or decide to try out for a play or athletic team. Sharing a common interest or goal with someone is a great way to begin a new friendship.
    • Maybe your ex-friend discouraged you from pursuing some of your interests. Now is the perfect opportunity to try them out. If they were always disdainful of sports, while you secretly imagined what it would be like to join the track team, consider this your opportunity to try something they never liked.
    • Ask some people in your new activity if they would like to hang out sometime. You could say, “Hey, I’m starving! Do you want to get some dinner after rehearsal?”
  4. Make a change. Take the opportunity to make some changes in your life. Whether it’s trying something new or changing your appearance, decide to shake off some the old energy that your ex-friend left behind and embrace a new beginning.[11]
    • You could decide to finally get that major haircut you’ve been thinking about for months, or buy a few new pieces of clothing to revitalize your wardrobe.
    • You could teach yourself a new skill or hang out with a new group of people you’ve been wanting to get to know.

Maintaining a Social Life

  1. Remain polite. You may see your ex-friend regularly and find yourself having to interact with them. Stay polite and respectful, even if you are hurting. You don’t have to carry on a conversation with them, but you do need to remain civil.
    • Say hello to them if you see them in the hall at school. It will probably feel awkward, but it makes you look like the bigger person.
    • If you feel yourself getting emotional around your ex-friend, find a way to remove yourself from the situation. Leave the room, bury yourself in your phone or a book, or start a conversation with someone else.
  2. Avoid gossiping about your ex-friend. While you may want nothing more than to vent about how hurt you are over what happened, find someone who is not in your shared circle of friends to do that with. Around people who still may be friends with your ex-friend, refuse to say anything bad about your ex-friend. Remember that it will likely get back to them if you do.
    • If someone asks you what happened between the two of you, you could say, “We’re no longer friends. I’m still pretty upset by it, so I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
    • Don’t force your friends to take sides. If you want to, you can let them know what happened, but try to recount the events without blaming the other person. You could say, “He made his decision, and I’m trying not to badmouth him about it. I’m sad, but there’s not much I can do.”[1] You should also avoid talking about the breakup with people who are still friends with the person. You can always say, "I don't feel comfortable speaking about this," and then change the subject.
    • Don’t talk incessantly about what happened. Your friends will quickly tire of it. If you are finding that you need to really process this breakup with somebody, it might be helpful for you to talk to a counselor or other trusted adult who can listen to you objectively.
  3. Step away from social media. Do not vent about your friend on social media. The internet never forgets, and you could find yourself in even more trouble for ranting about your friend.
    • Hide or unfriend your ex-friend on social media, if they haven’t already. It might help you be less upset to not see everything they are doing.
  4. Decide on what you’ll say. You may have some anxiety about running into your ex-friend somewhere, particularly if you don’t see them often. You may want to consider coming up with something to say to them if you ran into them. Having a script may help you feel more confident.[1]
    • Rehearse what you want to say until you feel confident that you would be able to deliver your lines effectively if you ran into the person.
    • For example, if you weren’t sure why your friend cut you off and you wanted to get some closure, you could ask, “Lauren, I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore, and that’s fine, but I would like to understand what happened that made you do this. You can just tell me, because you really can’t hurt my feelings any more than you already have by ignoring me.” Keep in mind they may not answer, in which case you will need to accept it and let it go.
  5. Find friends who respect you for who you are. Things may have ended badly for you and your ex-friend, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t still good friends out there for you. Stick with the friends who have helped you through this difficult time with your ex-friend.
    • Your ex-friend may have helped teach you what kind of qualities you want in your friends. Look for current friends or new friends that have qualities you admire.[1]
    • For example, maybe your ex-friend made fun of others a lot, and you never really liked that about them. Look for friends and acquaintances who avoid that kind of behavior.
    • Maybe you can think of a person you’d like to be friends with who you don’t really know. Take the initiative to ask them to hang out. It may feel a bit awkward, like asking to go out on a first date, but sometimes you need to take a risk to start a new relationship.[1]
  6. Take the long-term view. While it may be hard to see far down the road right now, understand that friendships, just like people, grow and change. While you and your ex-friend may think you are completely finished today, there may come a time at some point in the future where you reconnect. Maybe you will be close again, or maybe you will just be casually friendly. You may find your hurt feelings dissipate with time.[4]
    • You and your ex-friend may reconnect when you are at a different place in life. If you and your friend are young, you may reconnect as you age, because people often like to reconnect with those who remember what it was like when they were young.[7]
    • At some point, you may find that your lives will be similar again, causing a desire to reconnect. For example, you both may go to the same college, find out that you are getting married around the same time, or may end up in the same city far from your hometown. You never know what life will throw at you!
    • If you are older when your friendship ends, you may find that as you enter a different stage in life (for example, your kids leave home) or you get involved in the same community activity, you may be able to strike up a relationship again in a few years.

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 1.5 1.6 https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/01/09/surviving-a-friendship-break-up/
  2. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/balance/normal-grieving-and-stages-of-grief?page=2
  3. ↑ https://www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://www.besthealthmag.ca/best-you/relationships/how-to-survive-a-breakup-with-your-best-friend/
  5. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/self-care
  6. ↑ https://amysmartgirls.com/dealing-with-friend-break-ups-719897e78eda#.5umcl1aw9
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/tips/a5215/surviving-a-best-friend-break-up-110168/
  8. ↑ http://theweek.com/articles/611124/unexpected-benefits-writing-letters
  9. ↑ http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/Best-Friend-Break-Up
  10. ↑ http://www.idealist.org/info/Volunteer/Benefits
  11. ↑ http://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/travel/how-to-handle-a-break-up-with-your-best-friend-7053
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