Deal With an Ex in Social Situations Without Losing Friends

Breaking up is never fun. If it were, there wouldn't be so many country songs about it. If you have recently broken up with a boyfriend, girlfriend or spouse, here are some tips to keep you approachable, fun, and fabulous with all your social connections. It isn't the break up that matters, it's how you deal with it. By learning how to navigate the post-break social scene you can make sure you're still invited to all the fun parties.

Steps

Discussing the Breakup

1. Prepare your remarks in advance. Before you enter into a social situation where you may be asked about your ex, you should have a few short answers prepared. If you were together for a long while, you can expect a few unwitting folks to question your mate’s absence. If you just recently broke up, some people may ask about your well-being. Remember, it isn't the break up that matters, it's how you deal with it that will determine how you get on with your friends afterwards.
   • Make sure your answers are short, polite, and to the point.
   • Be prepared to segue the answer into another topic.
   • Stay positive.
   • For example, you might say "No, we're not together anymore. It was for the best. But I've started this new (school, job, etc.) and that’s going really well." Or, you can say casual and polite like "_____ is a great guy, but it was just the wrong time for me. I wish him the best."
2. Control your venting. Talking about a situation is often helpful to overcoming it. Still, talking to the wrong people can get you shunned and avoided. Avoid talking about your breakup and your ex with people in your ex's social circles, co-workers or mutual friends. There are plenty of others you can effectively vent to.
   • Talk to a long-term friend you knew before the relationship, but don't allow venting to consume your time together
   • Talk to your family members, such as a parent or sibling
   • Talk to a therapist, especially if you’re having a particularly hard time adjusting to being single
3. Keep conversations with the ex's friends upbeat and pleasant. Chances are you have a lot more in common than just your ex. If you don't, explain you really enjoy their company and hope you can still get together. However, don’t be surprised if you hear from these people less and less over time.
   • Don't speak negatively about your ex, particularly in front of friends that were his/her’s first.
   • Try to stay positive about your ex in a way that is polite but not suggesting that you want to be together.
   • Don’t take it personally if these people seem less interested in you after the breakup. Sure, it’s hard on you, but it’s hard for them to navigate this awkward phase, too. They may choose to keep things simple and maintain the relationship with your ex rather than you.
4. Take the high road, always. It may be one of the hardest things you will ever do. Resist being sucked into negative conversations about your ex. If you've been doing it you should stop.
   • Remember, if you want to vent, do so with people who only have a relationship with you to minimize the backlash. There’s a high chance mutual contacts will carry gossip back to your ex.

Interacting with Your Ex

1. Keep your distance if behaving civilly seems impossible. Chances are, if you and your ex were together for a prolonged span of time, you two probably share common hobbies, hangouts, and interests. Unless either of you moves away, you are bound to run into one another, especially if you share a social circle. If the breakup was fairly recent, steer clear of your ex to prevent a social catastrophe.
   • Fresh breakups have baggage. You may have unanswered questions as to why the relationship ended. You may have second thoughts and secretly dream of getting back together with your ex. You might just be hoping for one last hookup before you “move on.” You might want to scream a long list of expletives in your ex’s face. None of these are appropriate to hash out in a social setting.
   • If you haven’t completely dealt with your emotions surrounding the breakup, decline an invite to a gathering you think he or she may attend. Or, at the very least, keep a wide distance from your ex to avoid any contact.
2. Behave cordially upon contact. Know that when you and your ex bump into one another, your mutual or separate friends will all be holding their breaths to see whether the interaction is peaceful or explosive. A social gathering is not the time to rehash old news or to have a conversation with a few drinks under your belt. Do your best to behave accordingly in order to maintain the respect of your social network
   • If you bump into your ex, be polite. Smile and say “Hi, there, ____. Good to see you. I was just heading to top off my drink. Hope you have a nice night.”.
   • If your ex tries to corner you into a more personal conversation, insist that the two of your talk another time. If he or she is pushy, be more firm. Say, “It was nice seeing you, but I really didn’t come here for this. If you would like to talk to me alone, you can give me a call or we can choose a time to meet. Have a nice night.” Afterwards, find the host and thank him or her for the invitation and a lovely time. Leave without any further exchange with your ex.
3. Anticipate that your ex may arrive with a date. If you’re both now single, you have to be prepared for the possibility that you will run into your ex with a new person. If you don’t think you can handle seeing your ex with a new person, it may be best to bow out of social engagements where you think he or she will be present. At least, until you have come to terms with the end of the relationships and are no longer as emotionally attached.
   • Never purposely be rude to your ex’s new date. Such behavior is unnecessary and childish. This person has nothing to do with what happened during the relationship and doesn’t deserve to be mistreated or gossiped about.
4. Remember why you attended the gathering and have fun. It’s an insult to the host or the people you came with to spend your outing sulking because your ex is there. Doing this completely undermines your reasoning for going out in the first place.
   • Your friends have been great since the breakup, listening to you vent and consoling you. Pay them back in kind by having a good time without your past relationship putting a damper on the night.

Managing Your Friendships

1. Anticipate distance or complete loss of some mutual friendships. No matter how hard you try, it’s likely some of your friendships will suffer after your breakup. An online survey showed that people lose as many as 8 friends after a breakup. It seems friends often get caught in the crossfire of a couple gone badly. Plus, even if your breakup ends amicably, it’s possible that your ex’s friends may choose to sever their relationship with you. There are many reasons why this happens.
   • You talk about the breakup too much. Consider that your friends will likely tire of hearing a play-by-play of your relationship woes. Aim to spend quality time with them engaging in fun activities, not just venting.
   • You ask for advice and then do the opposite. It’s slightly offensive to ask your friends for their heartfelt advice and constantly not follow it. Ask yourself if you truly want advice. Or, would you rather just have a sounding board, or even better, someone to take your mind off your breakup.
2. Don't expect your friends to pick sides. If your mutual friends want to remain neutral during the breakup, respect their wishes. You don't want your doomed relationship to forecast your friendships, too. Never put your friends in a situation where they have to choose one person over the other. Just be happy that these people are still interested in maintaining the friendship after your relationship ended.
3. Be there for your friends as much as possible. Make your friendships a priority. Just because you have recently gone through a breakup, you shouldn’t get a free pass to be a poor friend. If your friend has something important coming up, such as a graduation or birthday party, be sure to attend—even if you are confident your ex will be there.
   • Never let your relationship status keep you away from making plans with your friends or just being social, in general. Remember, they are inviting you because they want to share the experience with you. Never determine if you will attend a function based on your ex's attendance.
4. Avoid dating “just because.” There’s no need to find a stand-in date just to keep up appearances for your ex. Almost everyone realizes the person on your arm is merely there to give people the impression you are taken and not at all phased by the break up. You lose major friend brownie points with this move.
   • Instead have a good friend (or several friends) accompany you to social gatherings. Make sure they know what’s going on so they can steer you away from your ex if you’re not ready to face him/her. Also, they can help you redirect conversations when the topic turns to your relationship status.

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Sources and Citations

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