Regain an Estranged Ex's Friendship

You and your ex may have parted on bad terms and have not spoken for a while. While you are not interested in getting back together with them romantically, you may be interested in reconnecting as friends. While being friends with your ex can often be complicated, being clear about your intentions from the start can help establish good emotional boundaries. Get in touch with your ex and make sure they are willing to try to strike up a friendship. Arrange for a meeting if possible. Then, if all goes well, figure out how you would like to stay in touch with each other. While it may take work and may sometimes feel awkward, especially at the beginning, rebuilding a friendship with your ex is possible if both of you are ready to work on it.[1]

Steps

Reaching Out to Your Ex

  1. Make sure you are clear about your own motives. Think about your reasons for wanting to talk to your ex, and be sure that it is only because you want to pursue a friendship. Be confident that your ex is the kind of person you want to be friends with, too.[2]
    • Think about what kind of friendship you want with your ex. Do you want to be able to hang out together, just the two of you, or do you want to be able to be friendly with your ex in a group of mutual friends? Or do you just want to feel comfortable saying hello to them and liking their pictures on social media?
    • Think about how your ex treated their other friends and make sure they are a good friend to others. For example, if you always thought your ex used friends for their own gains, it’s probably not worth it to develop a friendship.
    • More importantly, think about how your ex treated you. There's a reason you and your ex split. If it was because they didn't treat you well, then it's best to leave them in the past.
    • You may want to run this idea by friends and family members who know your ex. They may be able to provide some insight and help you decide if it's a good idea to pursue a friendship.
  2. Be prepared to tell them what you want up front. When you are preparing to talk to your ex, make sure you think about how you want to clearly communicate your desire for a friendship. You do not want let your ex think you are interested in anything more.[3]
    • For example, think about saying something like, “I have missed being in touch with you and have been remembering how much fun we had together as friends. I hope we could be friends again, though I want to be clear that a friendship is all that I want.”
  3. Write a letter or email. If you are nervous about your ex’s reaction, you might feel better about getting in touch with them via email or letter. Writing a letter lets you spend as much time as you need getting your words just the way you want them, and you can also say everything you need to say without worrying about being interrupted or argued with.[4]
    • You could begin your letter, “I am sure you are surprised to be hearing from me. I know we parted on bad terms, and I apologize for that. I have been thinking lately about how much our friendship meant to me, and how much I miss it. I am hoping we can reconnect as friends.”
    • Keep in mind that you may need to be patient about hearing back from your ex. It may take them a few days to compose a letter in response. They could also decide to call or text you if you indicate they can in your letter.
    • Your ex may also not respond to you. If they do not, you may need to decide whether or not to let it go, or try to get in touch with them a different way.
  4. Call. If you still have your ex’s number, it might be easiest to give them a call. Your ex will probably be wondering why you are calling, so you may want to be ready to let them know you are looking to reconnect with them shortly into the conversation.
    • You might want to spend some time thinking about what you want to say beforehand. For example, you could say, “I have been thinking about you recently, and I really miss our friendship. I was hoping we could get together sometime and catch up, and maybe try to be friends again.”
    • Your ex may not want to answer your call, so be prepared to leave a voicemail. Practice what you want to say beforehand. You could say something like, “Hi Mina, it’s Heather. I know seeing my phone number was probably unexpected, and I don’t blame you for not picking up. But I was calling to see how you are and was hoping we could talk sometime. I miss having you in my life as a friend, and was hoping you’d be open to being friends again. Please call me back sometime.”
    • Don’t call when you’ve been drinking. Don’t make them think this is a drunk-dial situation, because they will not take your request for friendship seriously.[5]
  5. Reach out on social media. If you are still friends with your ex on your social media accounts, try private messaging them through the platform they use the most. Keep your conversation friendly and see if they would like to catch up in person.
    • You could post a message publicly, but keep it short and generic. Don’t rehash your relationship where other people can read your conversation. You could say something like, “Hey Chris! Hope you are doing well!” If your ex responds, you could switch to a private message to continue your conversation.
  6. Avoid surprising them in person. Don’t show up at their school or work and ask to be friends out of nowhere, for example. That will scare them off. Reach out through other channels first, to give your ex a chance to think about how they would like to respond.
    • If you happen to bump into them by chance, you could say, “Wow, it’s good to see you! I would love to catch up sometime if you’re open to it. Could I text you sometime?” Avoid a major conversation before they have the chance to consider if they’d like to have you back in their life.
  7. Apologize if necessary. If you and your ex parted ways poorly, and you played a role in the bad ending, be sure to apologize early on for your part in the breakup. It may be difficult to have a meaningful friendship without an acknowledgement of your wrongdoing.[6]
    • You could say, “I know we had a really bad ending, and I am so sorry for how we parted ways. I hope we can get past it and eventually be friends again. It would be nice to talk about it in person, if you’re willing.”
    • Follow up with a more in-depth apology and conversation when you see your ex.
  8. Accept their decision. They may not want to reconnect with you, and they may or may not provide you with reasons why they don’t want to. Accept their choice with understanding and without demanding an explanation.
    • Keep in mind that they may not respond to any forms of communication.
    • Your ex may be comfortable talking to you online, for example, but may not be interested in seeing you in person. Accept that and work to rekindle your friendship through the boundaries your ex sets. Keep the door open for a potential face-to-face meeting in the future.
    • If your ex responds with a message that conveys they are not interested in talking to you, you could say, “I’m sorry to hear that, but I understand. I know how difficult things were for us at the end, and I get it if you still are hurt. I wish you all the best.”

Meeting Up with Your Ex

  1. Have a casual meeting. Get together for coffee or lunch at a casual, non-romantic place. Treat your meeting as just that: a meeting. It's not a date, no matter how much it may feel like one.
    • If the place you are meeting serves alcohol, don’t drink at all or limit yourself to one drink. Too many drinks could impair your judgment with your ex.[7]
    • Drive separately to your meeting place.
    • Don’t meet at your house or your ex’s house. Being alone together could lead to more, and you are only interested in friendship.[7]
  2. Limit your physical contact. You don’t want to look like you are coming on to your ex. A handshake, a hug, or a peck on the cheek are all appropriate, but don’t take it beyond that. You do not want to indicate to your ex that you are interested in anything more than a friendship.[1]
    • If your ex tries anything that you are not comfortable with, get physical distance between the two of you and let them know you are not interested. You could say, “John, I just wanted to get together so we could catch up, but I’m not interested in rekindling a relationship. I know it’s easy to fall into old habits, but I just don’t want to go down that road again.”
  3. Catch up on each other’s lives. Ask what your ex has been doing, and if they have anything new to report. Share your own updates as well.
    • Be a good listener and ask a lot of questions about your ex’s life, family, job, and interests. Don’t monopolize the conversation.
    • If you run out of things to talk about in your own lives, you can always talk about current events, recent movies you’ve seen, or sports you both follow.[8]
    • Understand that the conversation might be awkward at first. Be patient. The two of you haven’t talked to each other for a while, and it may feel uncomfortable, especially if you parted on a bad note.
  4. Keep it light. The first time you meet up again, it may not be appropriate to delve too deeply into the past, beyond apologizing for hurting each other. Think about this meeting as taking a step into a new future, and not a rehashing of pain from the past.[1]
    • Don’t bring up old fights. Don’t bring up sentimental memories. There may be a time and place for this later, but not at your first meeting.
    • You may wish to offer a more formal apology for any pain you caused during your relationship. You could say something like, “I know I said this earlier when we first started texting, but I did want to apologize in person for how our relationship ended. I know I said some mean things, and I hurt you. I hope we can move on and build a friendship.”
  5. Keep it friendly. While it may feel easy and comfortable to slip back into old habits of your romantic relationship, avoid going down that road. Don’t call your ex by their old pet names or bring up old inside jokes, or anything else personal from your relationship.[9]
    • Old emotions may unexpectedly surface when you see your ex in person. If you find yourself getting emotional or feeling overwhelmed, excuse yourself to the bathroom and take some deep breaths.
    • Resist any temptations to be romantic with your ex, whether it is flirtatious or physical. Remember that your goal is only to reconnect with your ex as a friend.

Staying in Touch

  1. Keep in touch. If your meeting went well and both of you seem interested in seeing each other again as friends, you could suggest you communicate on a more frequent basis. Spend some time discussing what you would like to do going forward.[9]
    • Agree on a level of contact that both of you are comfortable with. For example, you may decide that meeting up in person probably wouldn’t be feasible, but that you both are willing to continue talking over social media.
    • If both of you are willing to meet up again, plan another time to get together. If you share mutual friends, consider including some of them so it feels less like a date. You could say, “Do you want to get some friends together to go bowling sometime?”
  2. Take your time. Don’t jump right back into a friendship. Just because you and your ex are talking again doesn’t mean you should smother them with invitations to get together and contact them all the time. Rely on your usual circle of friends for your social activities.[10]
    • Check in with your ex occasionally and chat, whether it’s online, on the phone, or via text.
    • Invite them somewhere if the outing seems like a good fit. For example, your mutual friend is coming to town for a visit and you want to get friends together to go out to dinner to celebrate, or you share a mutual love of an artist who is having a gallery opening.
  3. Consider whether or not you want to talk about the past. You may want to let bygones be bygones and move on, or you may find value in debriefing your relationship. Come to an agreement with your ex about whether you want to be open to talking about it or not.[9]
    • If you do decide you want to talk about your relationship, make sure you are in a place where you have some perspective about the relationship and don’t feel emotional when talking about it.[1]
    • If you and your ex have decided you’re comfortable talking about it, you could ask something like, “Why do you think our relationship ended so badly, when we were a pretty good couple otherwise?” or “If you could do it over again, what would you do differently in our relationship? I think I would have shared my feelings with you more. I was pretty closed off.”
    • This may provide a good opportunity for you to learn from past mistakes and do things differently in your next relationship.[11]
  4. Be honest if you are having romantic feelings towards them. If you find yourself becoming attracted to your ex as the two of you are hanging out, be honest. Have a conversation about your feelings before flirting or acting on any of them. Make sure your ex follows the same rules.[1]
    • You could say, “Mark, I have to be honest. I have been feeling really attracted to you lately, just like the beginning of our relationship all over again. I wanted to tell you this because I know we agreed we would just be friends. What do you think?”
    • If your ex seems like they are behaving flirtatiously with you, consider calling them out on it. You could say, “Melissa, what’s up? I feel like you have had your hands all over me all night!”

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Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 1.4 http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/09/02/tf.rules.friends.with.ex/index.html?_s=PM:LIVING
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-love-and-war/201405/the-10-worst-reasons-stay-friends-your-ex
  3. ↑ http://elitedaily.com/dating/remain-friends-after-breakup/1067081/
  4. ↑ http://theweek.com/articles/611124/unexpected-benefits-writing-letters
  5. ↑ http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a2974/drunk-dialing/
  6. ↑ http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2014/10/trick-that-will-make-your-next-apology-better.html
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.today.com/health/friends-ex-new-study-provides-insight-whether-it-s-good-t92376
  8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201107/10-tips-talk-about-anything-anyone
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 9.2 http://www.glamour.com/story/the-10-commandments-for-stayin
  10. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/04/07/friends-after-a-breakup_n_5105506.html
  11. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-couch/201510/why-do-you-keep-making-the-same-relationship-mistakes
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