Deal with a Lying Best Friend
A lying best friend betrays your trust, hurts you and can even get you into trouble. Here's how to deal with such a person.
Steps
Is it worth it?
- Think about the situation. Not every lie is worth a fight. Decide whether it's a one off thing or if you're frequently lied to, whether it's relatively harmless or seriously damaging. If your friend lied about liking your new haircut, you can probably show some forgiveness––that kind of lie is of the sort that keeps social wheels turning, it isn't heartbreaking.
- Consider how often your friend is lying. Is it one big destructive lie that can never be redeemed? Or is it a series of lies over time that seem never-ending? Or is it the one-off silly little lie brought on by nerves or shyness? The frequency or level of lying is what should determine the worth of pursuing it with your friend.
Talking it out
- Confront your friend. Be polite but be firm. Tell your friend how you feel about the situation. Let him or her know how hard it is to trust a liar. Ask your friend if she's willing to work on your friendship and have at least a basic level of honesty.
- Determine how to proceed dependent on how your friend reacts. A friend who is loyal to you and realizes he or she has been caught out should respond with shame or regret, because you matter. There will also be defensiveness, but that's normal. On the other hand, if your friend flat out denies lying or says you're overly sensitive, you may be dealing with a less-than-honest friendship too, in that this person is seeking to manipulate you or run roughshod over you without caring for your feelings.
- It may seem awkward but be guarded and don't trust the response initially. Being caught out is frightening and unnerving and your friend will either want to deny it to preserve the friendship or will feel so embarrassed that he or she wants this awkward moment to end fast.
- Listen to the response with care. You need to hear every word said and also listen for the meaning that is behind the words, the things left unsaid. Make it clear you're not in this for an argument. You want clarification, not fighting.
- Keep your own voice calm and don't raise it at any point.
- Check that your body language remains open and not defensive.
- Avoid sighing or making comments about your friend's dishonest character––remember it was the act, not the person's whole personality, that was dishonest.
- Do you know what is happening in your bestie's life at the moment? Is he or she going through some tough times? This can have an impact on needing to lie to feel safer or more capable.
- What subtle deceptions can you pick up? Avoiding eye contact is a big one, although practiced liars find this easy to pretend at. There might be fidgeting, small slip ups or contradictions, or an unwillingness to be drawn out on an important point.
- Respect all attempts to explain what has happened. Your friend will be experiencing a range of crazy emotions, including a fear of losing your friendship, so give him or her some space. Be compassionate about attempts to explain and apologize for things said and done that have hurt you.They at least want your forgiveness if they are trying to explain.
- Praise your friend's calmness and reiterate that this is to be discussed by both of you in a calm way. That way you'll get more of it and staying calm (both of you) will help things to be sorted out faster.
Moving forward
- Appreciate positive efforts. Many people make a habit of lying and find it hard to ever give it up, just like any other addiction. If you see your friend making some genuine effort to be honest then encourage and appreciate her by all means. Don't stop being cautious but try to give some credit where it's due.
- Make a decision. Remember, everybody lies at one time or another and unless your friend is a compulsive liar, it's okay to forgive and move on. After all, it is your best friend and as long as there are no new incidents, there's no reason why things can't go back to normal. If your friend continues to lie and ignores your feelings about the matter,end your friendship and consider getting new friends. Either way, be decisive and don't get emotional.
Tips
- Don't stay on with a lying, thoughtless friend because you're afraid of being alone. Solitude isn't all that bad and there's plenty of fish in the sea.
- Try not to lie at all during this time, even about small things. You'll come across as a major hypocrite.
- Don't feel too morally superior. Friendship is always based on equality and both people involved will occasionally mess up.
