Overcome Jealousy of Your Best Friend

Do you feel jealous of your best friend from time to time? Jealousy is a negative emotion that occurs when you want what someone else has.[1] The things that cause jealousy might include a material possession, an award or accolade, a friendship, love, money, or experiences. While jealousy can be experienced by anyone at any time, it is unhealthy to be jealous of the people you love.

Steps

Working on Yourself

  1. Consider your insecurities. Often, when you figure out what your insecurities or challenges are, you will be able to build them into strengths, which will prohibit feelings of jealousy. While it isn’t an easy task to examine yourself for your flaws, it must be done.
    • Remind yourself that you are more than just your insecurities.
    • Try to keep a positive mindset while identifying areas in which you are insecure. Remind yourself of things you do feel confident in or like about yourself.
    • Remember that you can change any insecurity into a strength with time and effort. For example, perhaps you are lonely and want to make more friends, but you are not outgoing. Practice being outgoing and friendly toward strangers and eventually you will have turned your shyness into friendliness and you’ll have made new friends.
  2. Develop-Self‐Esteem. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself as a person.[2] There are many ways to work on your self-esteem including, but not limited to:
    • Recognizing your strengths. Are you good at school? Do you excel at sports? Are you a fair listener or a trusted secret keeper for your friends?
    • Actively engaging in activities you are good at can remind you of your strengths and build self-esteem.
    • Keeping a list of every compliment you received over the course of a week. Read over these compliments when you are feeling insecure.
    • Working on your challenges. Perhaps you are terrible at bowling and your best friend is a good bowler. You can improve your bowling through practice.
  3. Find happiness in yourself. It's easier to become jealous of people around you if you aren't happy with yourself. Feelings of inadequacy increase the likelihood that you will experience jealousy.[3] You can find happiness in yourself by doing following:
    • Focusing on internal strengths. When you focus on external factors, such as popularity or earning potential, those things could shift and your self-esteem could crumble.[2] When you focus on internal factors, your self-esteem is built on a much more stable foundation and you will be happier with yourself.
    • Practicing daily intentions.[4] Remind yourself that you are capable of giving and receiving love, attention, and respect, and that you are deserving of these things. Post them somewhere visible, such as on your mirror or computer monitor. Consider saying them out loud each day. Visual prompts can be very helpful for affirmations.
  4. Reclaim your power over your emotions. Do not let your emotions hold control over you as this will create a reactive state of emoting.[5] Instead, you want to acknowledge that every emotion you feel is a choice. You have chosen to allow yourself to feel what you are feeling and you are in control of your emotions. When you begin to feel jealous or angry, remind yourself that you are being reactive and choose to stop feeling that way.
    • Ask yourself what you are feeling and if you want to feel this way.
    • If you do not want to feel this way, take some deep breaths and focus on the emotion you want to feel instead.
    • Make the choice to feel the way that you want to feel.
    • For example, if you want to feel happiness, focus on being happy, identify what makes you happy, and maintain a positive mental attitude.

Exploring the Causes of Your Jealousy

  1. Ask yourself what is causing you to feel jealous.[6] It’s important to identify the root of your jealousy. While you may initially believe that you are jealous of something superficial, once you begin to look at your feelings of jealousy more deeply, you will realize that there is likely one specific root of your jealousy, which you can then change. Ask yourself:
    • Are you jealous of your best friend because you think she is prettier than you? What makes her prettier than you? Is it her haircut, her clothing, or her makeup? Is it the way she carries herself or her self-confidence?
    • If you are jealous of your best friend’s haircut, you can go to the salon to have your hair done in a similar style. If you are jealous of her clothing or makeup, you can go shopping for new clothing or makeup for yourself. If you are jealous of the way she carries herself, you can work on your posture, poise, and self-confidence, and pretty soon you will be carrying yourself in a new way.
    • Once you have figured out what specifically you are jealous of, you can begin to work on yourself to overcome that jealousy.
  2. Disconnect your emotions from the situation that triggered them and then analyze them.[7] Ask yourself if what you're jealous of will matter a year from now. Often you are jealous of something fleeting and trivial. Once you’ve analyzed your feelings free from the situation, you may come to realize that you are feeling jealous for irrational or unreasonable reasons. If this is the case, remind yourself that you are being irrational and check your jealousy.
    • For example, a rational person who is in control of their emotions would not feel jealous of their best friend when a third party compliments their best friend’s shoes. If you find yourself being jealous of your best friend in this moment, remind yourself that your friend did not ask for the compliment; that your best friend’s shoes are awesome; and that you’ve got some great shoes on too, even if they have not yet been noticed. There’s no need to be jealous for such a trivial reason.
  3. Stop comparing yourself to others. When you live your life constantly comparing yourself to others, you will create insecurities and recognize disparities that will breed jealousy. Instead, try to compare yourself only to yourself.[8] Try this:
    • Possibly take a break from social media until your self-esteem is better. Social media gives you the impression that everyone else's life is perfect and full of abundance.
    • Remember what you were doing and what you had a year ago and compare yourself to that person. This will highlight your personal successes and gains, which will help build your self-esteem and diminish your tendencies to feel jealousy.
    • Make a list of the things that you were doing, the goals you had, and the successes in your life a year ago. Next, make a list of the things you’re currently doing, the goals you currently have, and the successes in your life now. You might also note the goals you achieved in specific terms.

Communicating with Your Best Friend

  1. Own your jealousy.[9] Once you’ve recognized the root of your jealousy and you’ve come up with a solution, talk to your best friend.
    • For example, you might tell your best friend that you are jealous of her because she has the haircut that you want and ask her if she would be okay with you getting the same haircut. You might even ask her if she could recommend her salon to you. Turn this into a bonding moment that could strengthen your friendship.
    • Acknowledge that your feelings are your own and that you are in control of them.
    • Instead of saying, “Your hair makes me so jealous!” try, “I feel jealous of your hair. You’ve got a great cut.” In this way, you’re using “I” statements, rather than “you” statements to talk about your jealousy.
    • Also own where your jealousy could be coming from, such as a history of being bullied, an abusive relationship, etc.
  2. Practice open communication.[7] Sometimes just talking to your best friend can solve the issue. Be honest about the way that you feel and be sure that you don’t project your feelings onto them.
    • Use “I statements: “I feel this way about…”
    • Make sure that your communication is two way, meaning that you listen closely to your best friend’s response to your declarations of jealousy.
    • Try to work to overcome your jealousy by talking about it.
    • Encourage your friend to share her feelings with you, too.
  3. Return to the reason you are friends. If you are still unable to abate your jealousy even after working on yourself, identifying the root of your jealousy, and talking to your friend about it, then it is time to remind yourself of the importance of your friendship. Often, that will be enough to ease your feelings of jealousy.
    • What makes you best friends in the first place?
    • Think about your favorite memories together.
    • Understand that your jealousy could destroy your friendship if you don’t put it in check.
    • Ask yourself which is more important to you: your friendship or your jealousy.
    • Make sure that you are not feeling jealous because your friend is hypercritical or hard on you and makes you feel inferior to them. If this is the case, then this may not be a good friendship.

Tips

  • Focus on the things that you have rather than the things that you don't.
  • Be positive. Live life. Enjoy what you have.
  • Always remember that you are beautiful or/and special in your own way.
  • Always be honest to your best friend.
  • Talk about how you feel in a non-confrontational manner.
  • Remember your best friend loves you for you, not for what you do or don't have.
  • This will take time, so be patient and work slowly. Set small goals for yourself, or work thoroughly on each step before moving onto the next one.
  • Avoid saying things that you will regret when you are angry.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/jealousy
  2. ↑ 2.0 2.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/building-self-esteem/
  3. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/lib/envy-jealousy-and-shame/
  4. ↑ http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/buildingselfesteem/2015/10/how-setting-intentions-improved-my-confidence/
  5. ↑ http://www.pathwaytohappiness.com/relationship_jealousy.html
  6. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/6-vital-pieces-of-relationship-advice-if-youre-the-jealous-type_us_576abbeee4b0c0252e77f276
  7. ↑ 7.0 7.1 http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-22399/jealousy-is-ruining-your-relationship-heres-how-to-stop.html
  8. ↑ http://www.positivityblog.com/index.php/2008/02/28/how-to-overcome-jealousy/
  9. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/6-vital-pieces-of-relationship-advice-if-youre-the-jealous-type_us_576abbeee4b0c0252e77f276
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