Decide If You Should Get Married

Getting married is one of the biggest life decisions a person makes. You should not go into a marriage unless you are certain that you have chosen the right partner. Marriage should be between two people that share similar values and life goals. The more work you do on the front end, the more successful your marriage will be.

Steps

Discussing the Important Issues

  1. Determine if you and your partner will have children. You may already know if your partner would like to have children. If one partner wants children and the other does not, it is probably not a good idea to get married. In addition to discussing how many children you would like to have, you should talk about all the other issues that come with children.[1]
    • How will you discipline your children?
    • At what point in the marriage will you begin having children?
    • Is adoption or in vitro fertilization an option?
    • How will you split the child-rearing responsibilities (e.g. feeding, changing diapers, homework, etc.)
    • Would you be interested in having a nanny?
  2. Discuss your finances. It is important that you talk about money before you get married. Not only do you need to know your partner's current financial situation, you need to know their attitude towards money and their future goals. If you and your partner are not on the same page, you need to develop a plan to get on the same page.[1] The following questions can help you have the discussion:
    • Do you have any credit card debt?
    • Do you have student loan debt?
    • Have you ever filed for bankruptcy?
    • Are you a co-signer on anyone else's debt?
    • Will you put all of our money in a joint account? Will you have separate accounts?
    • Who will be managing the money? Will one partner manage or will you sit down and do it together?
    • What is your current income?
    • What are your saving habits?
    • Have you been planning for retirement?
  3. Talk about your sex life. Sex is an important part of marriage. Whether you have sex prior to marriage or not, sexual expectations for your marriage should be discussed. How often would you like to have sex (e.g. daily, weekly, etc.) What will you do when one partner wants to have sex and the other one does not? How will you keep the spark going in the long term?[1][2]
    • Both you and your partner need to be truthful during this conversation. A premarital counselor can help you discuss sex if you and your partner are not able to have the conversation on your own.
    • What will you do if one person's sex drive greatly increases or decreases?
  4. Get to know your partner's family. You can find out many things about your partner by spending time with their family. Both positive and negative patterns tend to repeat themselves. Once you get married, your partner's family becomes your family as well.[3]
    • For example, if your partner's family yells during arguments, your partner may be a yeller as well.
    • If your partner's family never ate dinner together, but family dinners are important to you, your partner may not understand why you want to eat together all the time.
    • Patterns can be broken or worked on, but it will be easier if you know what you are getting yourself into.[1]
  5. Talk about the importance of religion in your lives. Religion is deeply personal. You and your partner may practice the same religion, different religions, or no religion at all. You should know the role of religion in your partner's life. If you and your partner practice the same religion, there may not be too much to discuss. However, if you practice different religions or one of you is more devout than the other, you may need to have more conversations.[4]
    • Discuss which religious holidays you will observe and how you will observe them.
    • Do you expect to go to church together every Sunday? Do you plan to raise your children in this religion?
    • If you and you partner practice different faiths, consider meeting with an interfaith counselor to work through any issues you may have.
  6. Determine if you have the same core values. We often hear the opposites attract, but the most successful marriages happen between people who are similar. This is not to say that you and your partner must have the same interests, hobbies, and personality, but you should have a similar outlook on things such as money, work, children, religion, and sex.[5]
    • If you and your partner do not have the same core values, you may have a more difficult marriage and argue more.
    • For example, if one partner is a saver and the other is a free spender, the free spender may go out and make a major purchase without telling the other person. The argument then happens about the purchase, but the issue stems from having different attitudes towards money.

Evaluating Your Relationship

  1. Identify how you and your partner fight. Conflict is a part of a healthy relationship. You and your partner will not always be on the same page. The way you work through your conflicts indicates the health of your relationship.[4] If you and your partner do not fight fair, you are more likely to have trouble down the road.[6]
    • Yelling, insulting the other person, criticizing the other person, and being aggressive are all destructive fighting behaviors that are not good for your relationship.
    • Active listening, calmly discussing the problem at hand, and being more positive throughout the argument are constructive ways to fight with your partner.
    • For example, if you have a disagreement about the dishes piling up, an unfair fight might include calling the other person lazy or useless and bringing up something that is not related to the dirty dishes. Instead the argument may be focused on creating some sort of cleaning schedule or finding out if one partner is feeling overwhelmed by other duties and commitments inside and outside of the home.
  2. Think about how reliable your partner has been. Knowing that you can rely on your partner during the ups and downs of life is a good sign that the person is marriage material. You should be able to cope with your partner as life changes.[7]
    • How has your partner supported you through a tough time (e.g. death in the family, medical issue, work or school stress)?
    • Is your partner receptive to your help?
    • Do you know how to support and encourage your partner and vice versa?[8]
    • If your relationship has not been tested in this way, use your knowledge of your partner to imagine how the two of you would handle a tragedy.
  3. Consider how well you and your partner communicate. Communicate-Effectively is a vital for any successful relationship. You should feel comfortable expressing your wants, needs, and emotions to your partner. Your partner should listen to you and respect your view points. You and your partner should be able to laugh together as well as have those uncomfortable conversations.
    • If you are afraid or nervous to talk to your partner about certain topics, you may not have the type of open communication that is needed. No topic should be off limits.
    • You and your partner should not keep secrets from each other. You do not want to enter into a marriage being dishonest.[9]
  4. Determine if the timing is right. Marriage is best if both individuals feel the timing is right. Both partners should feel ready and desire to get married because they have chosen to do so. Factors such as an unplanned pregnancy, family pressure, or peer pressure may make you want to hurry up and get married. However, these are not good reasons to get married.[10]
    • Timing is everything. You can marry the right person at the wrong time.
    • It is better to wait than to rush into a marriage.
  5. Consider why you want to get married. You should never be pushed or pressured into getting married before you are ready. Ask yourself why you want to marry this person. Are all of your friends married and you feel like you are behind? Have you been with your partner for a long time and feel like marriage is the next step? Do your parents and family members keep asking you when you are going to tie the knot?[11][10]
    • Write down all of the reasons that you want to get married right now. You may decide that you are ready to get married or that you do not want to get married. You may also decide that you want to marry your partner, but not right now.
    • You should get married because you believe that you have found the right partner, that the timing is right, you are ready to take your vows seriously, and marrying your partner is in line with your personal goals.
    • If you find that the majority of your reasons for getting married are due to external factors or a difficult life situation, marriage may not be the best choice for you.

Increasing the Chances of a Successful Marriage

  1. Marry your best friend. Married people are typically happier and more satisfied in life. If you are best friends with your partner, marriage will have an even greater impact on how satisfied you are with your life.[12] Friendship is the foundation of a good marriage.
    • Are you and your partner truly friends?
    • A good friend is supportive, loyal, dependable, and accepts you for the person you are. You can be yourself around the person without fear of judgement.
  2. Wait until you are at least 20 years old. If you are a teenager and considering marriage, it is best to wait until you are older to get married. The older you are, the more life experience and wisdom you have. This knowledge can help you have a better marriage.[13]
    • If you get married before you are 20 years old, you greatly decrease your chances of staying married for a long time.[14]
    • If you are a woman, waiting until you are at least 25 years old when you get married decreases your chances of getting divorced or separated during the first 10 years of marriage.[15]
  3. Deal with issues before you get married. The same issues that you and your partner have before marriage will continue once you get married. Marriage is not a problem fixer. Both you and your partner should write down the strengths and weaknesses of your relationship and then discuss the ways you can work on those weaknesses together.
    • If there are issues that cannot be worked out, it is best to postpone any marriage plans.
    • Premarital counseling is a great resource that can help prepare you for marriage. This type of therapy helps you assess your relationship and address any concerns.[16]

Tips

  • You can never answer all of the questions when discussing important topics and planning for the future. You never know what is going to happen. However, having the conversation can help you see if you and your partner are on the same page and have a similar outlook.

Warnings

  • Don't marry a partner if abuse (e.g. verbal, physical, emotional) or addiction (e.g. drugs, alcohol) is an issue.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 1.3 http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/04/before-you-tie-the-knot-ask-these-5-questions/
  2. ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2013/01/24/health/sex-compatibility/
  3. ↑ http://www.militaryonesource.mil/health-wellness/marriage?content_id=268446
  4. ↑ 4.0 4.1 http://psychcentral.com/lib/questions-to-ask-as-a-couple-before-getting-engaged/
  5. ↑ http://legacyproject.human.cornell.edu/2013/02/04/one-thing-to-look-for-in-a-mate-advice-from-long-married-elders/
  6. ↑ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3777640/
  7. ↑ http://mic.com/articles/110744/6-ways-to-tell-you-re-with-the-person-you-should-marry-according-to-science#.2uAWpYSio
  8. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/news/2009/04/24/why-relationships-change-after-marriage/5510.html
  9. ↑ http://www.thesimpledollar.com/eight-things-to-think-about-before-you-get-married/
  10. ↑ 10.0 10.1 http://www.match.com/magazine/article/12362/
  11. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/diane-l-danois-jd/did-you-marry-the-wrong-p_b_3381237.html
  12. ↑ http://www.nber.org/papers/w20794.pdf
  13. ↑ http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/05/09/taking-the-plunge-keep-these-12-successful-marriage-tips-in-mind/
  14. ↑ http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf
  15. ↑ http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf
  16. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/premarital-counseling/basics/what-you-can-expect/prc-20013242
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