Earn Your Girlfriend's Trust

As relationships progress, you can feel a bit of stall if there is a lack of trust from either side. A lack of trust doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship but it can be a detriment if it is not overcome. Trust can be created, earned, and rebuilt for a healthier, stronger relationship.

Steps

Earning Trust in Your Relationship

  1. Prioritize friendship over all else. The basis of any great relationship is the foundation that you build it on. Knowing each other as friends first is a great way to earn trust slowly as you the relationship develops organically.[1]
    • Having a strong friendship as a core to your relationship will help you tell each other everything and give time and attention to each other easily while looking forward to being with each other.[1]
    • Give your partner the best gift of friendship, the gift of total and complete acceptance. Accept her as she is without expecting anything in return to strengthen your relationship by strengthening your friendship.[1]
  2. Follow through and be a man of your word. Your word is your bond, so when you say things or make promises, make sure that you are a man of action. If you are not able to, don't promise or it will cause more hurt than anything.[2]
    • Promises could be small or large in perspective but realize that making a promise is long term and can affect both you and her future.
    • If you tell your girlfriend you will make it to her birthday celebration, be there. If you offer to help her move her things to a new place, do that. Words and actions that match establish trust.
  3. Always tell the truth. Truth sometimes hurts, but its pain is temporary compared to pain from lies or betrayal. Gain your partner's trust by being 100% truthful 100% of the time. Honesty fosters trust in relationships.[3]
    • A lie is a lie, big or small. Rethink telling her that you were with your guy friends the other night when you were really with a girl from class as a part of study group. Never answer a question with a lie.
    • Betrayal, even the smallest kind, can derail a relationship and cause your girlfriend to distrust you completely, especially if it touches on a scar from a past relationship that hasn’t yet healed. And it is hard to recover from.
  4. Communicate with her to let her know about your ups and downs. Healthy relationships are a result of healthy, honest communication.[4] It’s always better to hear firsthand what happened, and to seek forgiveness then. Being open extends to letting her know pertinent information as well.
    • Not presenting facts from the start makes you look deceptive and like you were hiding something. Even something small could look ten times worse if you aren’t honest about it from the start.[5]
    • Keeping your girlfriend in the loop to support you during challenges is equally important in moments of joy as well. Not only will you feel like you matter, but she’ll feel like she matters too because you share those special moments, like getting a promotion or receiving an acceptance letter from a school you’ve been dying to get into, with you too.[6]
  5. Involve your girlfriend in your day to day.[7] Dealing with someone with trust issues means dealing with suspicion if you leave out certain details. Grabbing an innocent cup of coffee with a female friend can raise suspicions for a girlfriend having trouble with trust if you gloss over details and she has to hear it from someone else.
    • Just be forthcoming and, on the day of, state: “I’m grabbing coffee with Sasha today. Cool?” It is a simple way to be honest while showing her that her opinion matters at the same time.
    • If you aren’t hiding, she doesn’t need to be unnecessarily concerned so keep her up to date on what you’re doing with the opposite sex, even if you are just friends.

Overcoming Your Girlfriend’s Trust Issues

  1. Make sure you trust her.[8] Without your trust for your girlfriend, she definitely won't be able to trust you. Understand that some things fall beyond trust, including putting yourself into tempting situations.
  2. Tell her things that no one else in the world knows about you. Actions like that paired with your consistency in following through with your words will help her slowly but surely develop trust in you.
  3. Be your girlfriend’s support system. As the boyfriend of someone who has trust issues, it is not your job to fix her or her situation. Instead, it is your job to play a supportive role.[9]
    • Ask her for her story and listen to her fears. From a place of concern ask her: “I know you’ve been hurt before, can you share with me what exactly happened?”
    • Suggest that she see someone professionally or read books to help her with coping strategies and to assist her in discovering why her past plays such a huge role in the present relationship you have with her.[10]
  4. Practice patience with her trust issues. Your girlfriend is more than likely trying just as hard as you are to get over her lack of trust, so trust her and the process. Asking her to trust you is not going to create trust. Instead, rely on patience to be your guide in helping the relationship rise above trust issues. [11]
    • The road to trust is a long process that will encounter setbacks and obstacles along the way. It is a slow process as well, so don’t expect an overnight turnaround in her ability to trust you more.
    • If it takes her a while to take down her guard for you, be understanding and patient about it. Encourage her to share more parts of herself by sharing more personal details about yourself.
  5. Be consistent with how you show her love. Make time for your relationship. Give her love, appreciation, and support in some form or other daily.[12]
    • Ask her how she is doing or about her day. When she is feeling distant or withdraws out of fear, ask her gently how you can help: space, closeness?
    • Treat her with soft kisses, sweet compliments, and romantic date day or date night excursions.

Rebuilding Trust After a Betrayal

  1. Be apologetic and own up to your mistakes. Reveal whatever secrets you might have been keeping, but note that she does not have to know every detail about your indiscretions. [13]
    • Be honest about your intentions with your girlfriend now. You might have made a mistake, but you love her and want to make things work. For example: “I know I lied about who she was to me and I know that dishonesty hurt you, but I promise nothing happened and I really want to make things work with you because I love you. You’re the only woman I want. I’m sorry I jeopardized that with my actions. Please forgive me.”[14]
    • Give her space. If she would like time to decide what her next move is, allow her as much as she needs.
  2. Explain your motivations in your betrayal. It lets your girlfriend know that you have a reason behind why you did what you did and helps to rebuild the trust that was lost.[15]
    • Talk about what made you do what you decided to do. What were you feeling? Scared? Overwhelmed? Insecure? Relay those feelings to your partner to gain sympathy and understanding. For example: “I felt like it was okay to go out with another girl because honestly, I’ve been feeling disconnected from our relationship lately and I’ve just wanted a break. Maybe it was self-sabotage in a way…”
    • Talk about why the betrayal won’t happen again in the future. Disclose how her pain has made you feel – how awakening it’s been, etc. For example: “I see how distraught and offended you feel by my actions. I don’t want to be the one that hurts you ever again. I don’t want to do this to us ever again. It’s really opened my eyes about what I have with you and what I don’t want to lose.”
  3. Forgive yourself for what you have done. If your girlfriend is able to move past the betrayal, accept your apology, and forgive you, but you aren’t, only half of the relationship is being sustained. [15]
  4. Ease the relationship back to normal. Embrace whatever leftover awkwardness there may be. Go back to who you were as a loyal, loving boyfriend.[16]
    • Note how much more difficult it is to earn back trust once you are the one who caused to be lost.
    • Rely on the negative feelings that came about as a result of your betrayal and the potential of the loss of the relationship to keep you from doing it again.

  • Respect her feelings. It may seem that she completely doesn't trust you, but she has her own reasons why. For example, she doesn't feel okay with that office mate of yours who often calls you; the best thing to do is introduce her to that office mate so that she will feel secure and this will make her stop doubting.
  • Don't make a girl a promise, if you know you can't keep it.
  • Don't ask her to trust you. Rather overcome her trust issues.
  • Don't be too judgmental. Always try to see things from her perspective, and ask what is keeping her from trusting you in a particular situation.
  • Make sure that the effort to trust one another is mutual and that you trust her as much as you are trying to get her to trust her.
  • Just because someone doesn't trust you in a particular situation, doesn't mean they don't love you. Always be patient about this issue, it’s very trying.
  • Remember: girls love romance. There is nothing a girl likes more than a nice candlelit dinner. Be an outstanding boyfriend and actually think about your girlfriend and her needs. In return, she should do the same
  • Keep your promises. To do this, make sure your promises are realistic, and you are willing to follow through before making them.
  • Provide her with positive reinforcement. Your girlfriend might have been mistreated in the past, which is why her guard is up.
  • Be constructive in a gentle and productive way, if ever. You don’t have to become a mute just because your girlfriend has trust issues. If it gets to be too much, feel free to express your feelings as well, but do so with as many “I feel” statements as possible to avoid coming from a place of blame.

Warnings

  • Be wary of signs of abuse. A lack of trust that your girlfriend might have is no excuse for her to mistreat you in any sort of way. That means, no name calling, verbal abuse, or physical violence of any kind from her. Having trust issues is not an excuse to be a bad person.
  • Refrain from coddling her to the point of pacifying. Instead, just give to the relationship what you expect to get in return.
  • If you have betrayed your girlfriend and are looking for her to trust you again and continue to relationship, understand that she might just leave. Although infidelity is the cause of most relationships ending, people do end relationships because of lying and other small acts of betrayal as well. Respect her decision and move on with your life.

Related Articles

Sources and Citations

  1. ↑ 1.0 1.1 1.2 http://magazine.foxnews.com/love/why-couples-should-be-friends-first-scientifically-speaking
  2. ↑ https://experiencelife.com/article/how-to-be-true-to-your-word/
  3. ↑ http://lifeesteem.org/wellness/wellness_truth.html
  4. ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/communicate-better/
  5. ↑ http://singersroom.com/content/2011-05-27/5-ways-to-gain-trust-of-a-woman/
  6. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/7-normal-things-happy-cou_b_6290514.html
  7. ↑ http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/must-talk-with-partner
  8. ↑ http://www.askmen.com/dating/dating_advice_300/333_can-you-trust-her.html
  9. ↑ http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
  10. ↑ http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/the-psychology-of-trust-issues-and-ways-to-overcome-them
  11. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tracy-e-clifford/relationships-trust_b_3000579.html
  12. ↑ http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/2012/07/03/trust-in-relationships-making-it-stronger-by-being-consistent/
  13. ↑ http://www.care2.com/greenliving/5-ways-to-rebuild-trust-after-its-broken.html
  14. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201111/recovery-affair
  15. ↑ 15.0 15.1 http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/16455/1/How-to-Rebuild-Trust-in-a-Relationship.html
  16. ↑ http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/how-to-rebuild-your-wifes-trust-after-youve-had-an-affair-knts/
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